Two Abused People In A Committed Relationship

[intrasearching]

Hello,

I was abandoned by my biological parents, witnessed countless horrors from as early on as I can remember (remember my stepfather severely beating my mother when I was 4 etc.), and when I was adopted (still at age 4) I was severely abused (emotionally, psychologically, physically) by my adoptive mother. She abused me until I was an older teenager.

I am currently in a VERY GOOD, committed, honest, deep relationship with a person who experienced abuse in one of her past relationships. The guy had severe anger issues and beat her frequently (makes me sick to think about).

Tonight we were having a very good conversation about various things. Before I go on I should state that I have been struggling (as one might imagine) with trust, fear of abandonment, etc. and as a result I can sometimes become irate, overwhelmed with anxiety and confusion, and in those moments I can launch a barrage of emotion onto my girlfriend saying things like "this relationship will never work," "I know you will betray me," "I should end this now," etc. Tonight she told me that the last time this happened (a few nights ago) she did not feel like she was being treated like a human being, and that it reminded her of how she felt with her abusive ex.

That scared me deeply. I love her very much, she is nothing but good to me and it kills me that I can be overwhelmed by fear and put her through such hell in those moments. My biggest fear is that one day the PTSD will take over and I will become an emotionally abusive partner. I want to get therapy as soon as possible and solve this issue as soon as I can so that I can be the best possible partner to my girlfriend.

Apart from that episodic insecurity we have no serious issues (or really any small ones either -- it is a perfect match essentially). I have experienced this same fear of abandonment anxiety in almost all of my past relationships. I notice some slight discrepancy or lack of feeling from the other person and over-analyze it and fill my mind with countless possibilities about how I may be abandoned or how I am possibly being cheated on. Of course, these fears never prove themselves to be true, and I know they never will with my girlfriend.

I am currently on a waiting list with the counseling center at my school (I am in my third year of college). Hopefully I will be assigned to someone soon who can really help me.

Until then, has anyone had any success with overcoming their trauma triggers and/or fear of abandonment?

I never want to be unreasonable or hurtful again with my outbursts -- I NEVER again want my girlfriend to feel like she is receiving subhuman treatment from me. It kills me that my history of abuse not only ruined my life back then but is still making so many things so difficult now.

Any and all comments are appreciated.

 

[Bilby]

You sound very committed to your partner, and your relationship, and to doing what it takes to making things work.

Getting therapy is essential and I'm really glad that you're on that waiting list.

I think what you are doing right now is really beneficial - i.e. recognising what is going on. Continue to keep the lines of communication open with your partner :)

 

[Abstract]

I think that you care so much and are taking this seriously says a lot. You are also taking responsibility and not just blaming her. You have a lot of insight and that does you credit.

I think negotiating things between two people who have a past can be very tricky. But I will also say that I think it is possible to heal these things with patience, determination and help and it possible to learn to communicate in a way that means we don't dump it on the person whilst we do that and have strong boundaries from both sides.

I really hope your girlfriend is going to get therapy too as I think that is imperative. You both need and deserve help and healing. Good luck!

 

[AMarie]

I can understand how you are feeling, I am in a relationship with a great man who also experienced emotional and physical abuse like myself. It is very difficult to be able to sort through our issues especially when one of us is triggered. I am especially vulnerable at this time and can be triggered even by the loud noises outside. We are in couples therapy and I was going to my own for months before our couples work started. It does take time to heal and gain that foundation of stability that we look for in a intimate relationship. Take a look at Imago Therapy, it is an interesting way to look at both partners in the dynamic. I also recommend a book, if the Buddha Married by Charlotte Kasl.