Ugly Start To Holidays

[AlohaDreaming]

I have a hard time with people coming to my house. I don't often invite them over, because I like having my safe place where I can go, shut the door and not worry about people. Lately my bf's parents has become very pushy about wanting to invite themselves over to our house with no warning. No, 'You busy?' And when we say no, it's like we have said nothing. Today, I had enough. When this was done two weeks ago, I had a freak out for two days, and stayed up all night cleaning my house so that it looked nice. The next day, we get a call that they aren't coming, because they've opted to do something else. It's that type of crap that makes me frustrated and I didn't need to be totally worked up by someone inviting themselves over to my house, without really asking if it were okay. It was just 'Hey we're stopping by.' No wait for a comment or a confirmation, and then just walked out without an answer.

My PTSD has been aggressive this week. The holidays always make it this way, and I asked him to just say to them 'Just not today.' When he said it, they became more aggressive about it, and pushed. When we again told them no, they showed up anyhow.

At this point, I've locked myself in the bathroom, shoved a towel under the door, turned the fan off to block out the sound of my bf on the phone having this disagreement with them that has now gotten heated. The panic hits me like a wave, and I'm freaking out.

When all was said and done it got ugly between them, and it was thrown out 'Oh, I see how it is, we're not welcome in your house, so you've made your choice I see.'

A typical toxic answer, when someone doesn't get their way. If someone says 'No, not today, we're busy doing a few things, let's try a day that's better for us.' The other person should say 'Okay, no problem! We'll do this another day.'

Instead, it became a mess. I got blamed for asking him not to tell them to come over. For hurting his parents. I spoke up for myself and told him that I need to have a say in my life, and who is part of it. That I can't be blamed because someone crossed the boundaries of what is polite. If someone say 'We're busy, can we do it another day.' Or etc, we shouldn't be bullied into it.

This has put a stress on my relationship now, and they've been doing this since I moved up here. This is the same parents that treated me like shit the first time they met me. I sat in silence the whole meal, because it was made very clear, that they weren't interested in involving me at all.

I'm devastated at this point....I tried to make this work, and tried to make this transition smooth, but I have a feeling my boyfriend is having second thoughts about staying with me. He stares at me in a way that is almost searching my face for some answer that I don't have. That he's looking for someone I'm not. It hurts, and I'm ready to just admit defeat and call a close friend and leave.

I can't sleep, and I don't feel like going in and sleeping in our bed. I just want to cry right now, but I know he'll hear me. I feel defeated right now, like this is just an impossible thing. He told me tonight that he may not like them that much, but he doesn't want to hurt them. It needs to be asked, what about my hurt? How this impacts me? I'm not being selfish, it's important to want good things for us, and want to be able to be healthy. I'm working on healthy. I just don't do well with people who push me too hard, and make me feel like my home isn't safe and that it's the only place I can be where no one will bother me.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should have just gone to the hospital last year, and stayed for a while....

 

[aut555]

Its obvious they don't care for you. It's very possible, they won't care for anyone he brings in to his life. They are abusive from the we are coming, oh no we're not bs. So what are your options? I was in this exact thing myself and never felt comfortable with any of my ex's family. My ex never stood up for me when they verbally attacked me. That should have been the clue we were headed to divorce at some point. What l am trying to say, is don't blame yourself for their inappropriate behavior which may only get worse. Are you prepared for more bs games, maybe they are purposely stirring the pot, and trying to create problems. Try to shift your thinking to them instead of blaming yourself. Good luck, stay positive, realize other people have been on that same path.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

@aut555 They never even gave me a chance is the sad part. I've met them twice. The first time when his mother stocked us to the supermarket, which was a 45 minutes drive from their house. And then at breakfast...

I've been here before, I dealt with it for 15 years, when I was married. It's when this stuff happens again, I think how nice it was when I was single.

 

[Chitoshi]

I feel defeated right now, like this is just an impossible thing. He told me tonight that he may not like them that much, but he doesn't want to hurt them. It needs to be asked, what about my hurt? How this impacts me? I'm not being selfish, it's important to want good things for us, and want to be able to be healthy. I'm working on healthy. I just don't do well with people who push me too hard, and make me feel like my home isn't safe and that it's the only place I can be where no one will bother me.

I have the "don't like them, but don't want to hurt them" relationship with my grandparents on my mom's side. I don't talk to them much, but when I do I have to set clear boundaries about what is OK an what is NOT OK. Sometimes they accept it, sometimes they don't accept it. But that's their problem not mine because I will stick to my boundaries because it's what is healthy for me.

I think you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend about the boundaries he's okay with placing with his parents. I got really lucky with my parents and my boyfriend's parents, but for what's going on with his parents this seems like it's a power struggle. They're trying to establish that they are important, but going about it in the wrong way.

You are right, it is important to want good things for the both of you, and I am so so glad to hear you say that you know you're not being selfish. You aren't. You and him are establishing boundaries and they don't like it. Tough. Has your boyfriend dealt with a power struggle before? Based on what you told us, it seems like they're trying to press all the right buttons to try and get him or you to feed into a fight so they can turn it around. Don't feed into it is the best I can tell you, but just know that I don't do a good job not feeding into these fights (it isn't fair, they aren't playing fair, they won't play fair, and I have a "this isn't fair" justice complex thing that things must be fair so I tend to feed into it).

If you and he haven't done this before it might get hard because they may not be used to being told what to do by their son, but he is an adult now and can make decisions on his own without them and they will have to learn. I don't do well with people who push me hard either, that isn't a weakness. If you need to cry, I'm sure your boyfriend will support you, that's what he's there for, to help you when you aren't feeling your best and to lift you up when you're feeling the best ever, yea? He's there for both good and bad. :)

As for making you feel like your home is unsafe, that is not acceptable and I think that's a discussion best had between you and your boyfriend about having clear guidelines for what is and is not acceptable. Eventually it will be second-nature, but for now it will be hard and there will be push back, I'm not gonna lie to you about that, but in the end it should be better.

Your hurt and how it impacts you is greatly important, and I'm sure your boyfriend cares very much. I think maybe he wanted to try and convey to you that he may not always like his parents, but he does love them and doesn't want to hurt them? I'm wondering if he was just trying to have open communication, but I don't want to put words in his mouth. I don't think he was trying to invalidate your feelings in any way, but again I don't want to project onto your relationship and unless you ask you'll never know. :)

People suck sometimes. I'm sorry my response isn't more cut-and-dry, but this seems like a very delicate situation that needs to be handled between you and your boyfriend, and letting your boyfriend take the lead on his own parents (in my opinion) was the right thing to do.

I hope my perspective as an outsider helped a little. If I was in this situation personally I would have had the same exact reaction that you did, so don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs if you accept. :hug:

 

[Lucycat]

It sounds to me like they are trying to keep their son as a 'little boy' who has to do as he is told - by them. They have not accepted that he is an adult, and they are no longer allowed to walk into his space uninvited. I bet they never had the courtesy to knock on his bedroom door before entering when he was a child. It comes across that they think they own him.

As for cleaning when you are expecting visitors - this is something that I struggle with. I want people to see my home as perfect and get really stressed with the idea that they might judge me if something is not spotless. But do I do this to others? No! I don't check out houses to see if they are clean or not, but I fear everybody will do it to me. It is madness really but really hard to challenge the negative thinking patterns.

If your boyfriend is to continue having a relationship with his parents, perhaps the next time you all meet should be on mutual territory - out for lunch together or something rather than in either home.

Good luck! I hope it all calms down quickly. Do his parents know about PTSD??

 

[AlohaDreaming]

@Chitoshi Your response was what I needed to hear. We had a long talk yesterday. After this blow out, his Mother started blowing up his phone at 8am Sunday morning so they 'could talk'. So the drama and fireworks were just that, drama and fireworks. I told him that I don't do drama, or fireworks, that mentally I can't. I can't handle undue stress, because inside the head of someone with PTSD is a jumble of emotional yadda yadda that gives us enough stress with all the stuff we think about on an hourly basis. External stresses I keep at a minimum, because that's what makes me function best. I explained to him about my safe place, and that we all need that. We all deserve that, and he understood. Also that he deserves that for himself, not just me.

What I don't like is how ugly his mother made it, and then turned around and boom, 'We're hurt.' 'We're this.' 'We're that.' Laying on the guilt to make him feel bad, because he stood up for himself. She's a very toxic human being, and has been for a long time. She alienated her own spouse's family away from him, because they didn't like her. It put a rift there, and she's attempting that type of control with me as well. Well, I don't play those games. Everyone wants to pretend she's not badshit crazy, when it's pretty obvious she has issues. I don't call someone batshit crazy without justification, because I do have maladies of my own here. From what I have experienced, and what I have seen, she is, and needs help. This isn't Burger King. And my life can't be ordered off a menu and dictated by a customer.

At the end of the day, it's made me think a lot about things at large. Christmas is coming (sounds like a bad game of thrones promo) and I don't even really want to attend the gathering after this. I asked for them to respect us, by calling first, she called 4 times (while we were sleeping, because we both work second shift and don't get up till 12 or 1, even on weekends, and she gets up at 4am), then comes into town and wants to force a visit, because she 'couldn't get a hold of us'. I could have been out of town visiting my brother for the holidays. I could have been in the shower, hell I could have been naked in the middle of a nooner!

It made me feel like a teenager, and I'm no longer a teen. It's been 25+ years since I was a teen, or since I needed a Mommy. This whole thing was simply an attempt to force more 'quality time' when a son that clearly isn't interested in spending time with them. I told him candidly if he wants to spend time with his parents, I'm not against it, and I would never ever make him choose sides. Something clearly his mother feels he should do. It's just sad when parents think they have to control their adults children this way.

 

[AlohaDreaming]

@Lucycat No they don't, and you nailed it spot on. She did that.

I had been sick for two days, and my kitchen was a wreck. It wasn't anything that couldn't have been solved with being given a little more time. I keep my house pretty decently put together.

The biggest thing of note is this: She doesn't allow anyone to her house. No one. But it's okay to come invade my space. She also insists on calling me the wrong name. I've gone by a nickname since I was a baby, and it's become the name I use as a given name. She refuses to use it. She's been corrected, and told my name, but she uses half of my given name. (I have two first names) and continues to do it, as if she's trying to make me less of a person.

And they don't know. I told him it's time he tells them, but he told me he believes that she would just use it against me as someone who's unsuitable, or just plain not give a sh*t and continue to do this. Which isn't appropriate adult behavior.

 

[Chitoshi]

@NineFiftyFour , sometimes people feel like others need to choose sides when they feel threatened by another person. Try not to take it too much to heart.

I'm so glad my post helped you out. It is sad that parents sometimes feel they need to control their adult children. My mom had a hard time letting me go, but she never got this bad. She realized it and we set boundaries, but I call her every other day to help her cope with being an empty nester now (my youngest brother moved out this past summer), but that's better than her calling me every day.

It sounds like your boyfriend's mom showed up to your house? Unacceptable. It is hard, but try not to answer the door, and if she calls say it's a bad time and ask them to come back later, is what I would suggest. Although like I said before, it's best if your boyfriend draws the boundaries with his own mom. :)

I'm so sorry that she is not respecting you to the point that she isn't even using your name.

You're not alone in the kitchen being a wreck. ;) I've been down and out for about four days now so the only thing that's gotten done by me is microwaved meals and a nap.

Editing to say that I would not answer the door because I would feel compelled to invite them in regardless of what I think is best for me (darn my politeness!), and it would cause me a lot of anxiety to not answer the door knowing someone is at the door, so don't misinterpret my advice to mean that it wouldn't be anxiety-provoking, because for me I'd probably have a meltdown. What you're going through seems so hard, but I think you and your boyfriend have the right of it and I'm confident you'll deal with it in a way that's good for you. :)

 

[AlohaDreaming]

@Chitoshi Yes, she showed up after he called her back and told her it wasn't a good time. She refused to hear him telling her no. She showed up, and then the fight began outside. So we attempted that, she just broke our boundaries. The hardest part in this was him saying to me 'You made me hurt my Mother.' So I told him later, 'You can not blame me because she refuses to listen to reason, or respect our boundaries. She can't just show up any time she wants. We do not do that to her.' I told him it was unfair to blame me for this, she is the one that created the situation that sparked all of this. We told her no, and I would not be blamed for her inability to respect our privacy.