Unable To Tolerate Touch

[Leighlee87]

PTSD has completely thrown my marriage for a loop to say the very least. A lot about me has changed in the last three years, and it is difficult and confounding for my family to understand.

I don't know why I can't stand physical touch anymore, but I can't. I've always had a bit of a space bubble, but now I immediately feel like I'm suffocating the moment my husband tries to hug me or come near me. I don't want him to kiss me, hug me, hold me. It's everything I can do not to panic, but my heart starts pounding, my airways start to restrict and eventually I have to break away. I've tried to explain it to him in a million different ways, but to him, it still feels like rejection. He isn't getting what he wants and needs in the relationship. His way of giving affection and receiving affection is through touch. Which up till recently, meant that if he wasn't going to get it, he would either just get really handsy and grope me anyways insisting he couldn't help it or hug me and refuse to let go--only compounding issues. (Not okay, and trust me, it's been thoroughly discussed)

Part of it is probably because the PTSD began over a trauma caused by my father 3 years ago, and my father was physically abusive throughout my childhood. So between general ptsd symptoms, the hypervigilance, and all of the things that resurfaced both as a result of what he did a few years ago but also because of the things I am sorting through in therapy. Idk.

He's recently started seeing his own therapist (we had used her as a marriage counsellor previously) at my request because I realize that my struggles and the change in our family dynamics have put a strain on him, but also, I want him to better understand me and all the different things that I am going through and experiencing. However, she seems to be of the opinion that I need to be giving more of myself and giving more affection to him. He needs physical contact, and I need to be a bit more compromising on my end, but he also has to back off a bit more. He vocalized this to me--he needed me to walk past and hug him from time to time and give him a kiss or cuddle up next to him, and I responded with, "Okay, so I understand. I just need to get past my fear." and he responded with, "No, I just need you to touch me every now and then." And I quietly whispered back, "I need to not be afraid." I think I saw it kinda sink in a tiny bit. I don't think he will ever fully understand.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to move past it. It seems like everytime I try, it only makes my physical reaction/ fear response against it grow that much stronger. Does anyone else have this issue and any suggestions on how to maybe make this easier for both parties? Thanks.

 

[Virtues]

I'm kinda confused on how you two established a physical relationship that led to marriage to begin with?

 

[Leighlee87]

I only developed PTSD a few years ago, so up till then it really was a non-issue. While I've never been a super touchy-feely person by nature, it seemed that we were both easily able to cover each other's needs. Now, it's a whole different ballfield.

 

[Virtues]

OK, I think I understand. Prolonged Exposure may be the only way to become comfortable with being touched again. This is something the two of you might need to visit in couples therapy. He is going to need to learn to be patient, and you are going to need to be determined. But I don't think there is a simple answer to your problem.

 

[Heather]

I dont have any answers but I can relate. When I first began having flashbacks about what happened to me when I was a child.

I went through a period of time where no one could touch me...the best way I know how to describe it was that I felt really icky inside.

Actually I remember what made the change from no touch to touch being OK. I had a therapist in college and he and I connected from day one. One day he asked if it would be OK to give me a hug. I wasn't prepared for that really but I trusted him and he gave me a hug. After each session he would give me a hug.

I learned that touch from a man was OK and it was a safe, nice feeling.

If it wasn't for my relationship with him...I don't think I would've been able to have a healthy relationship with a man.

I don't know if that helps you at all but it really rebuilt my trust in men.

 

[turtlemoon]

Baby steps. After my assault, touch was the last thing I could handle. Seriously, my friends 4 year old came up behind me and put his hand on my butt and I all but had a heart attack. I had to ground myself, repeatedly reminding myself I was ok, I was safe, at my friends house, and that this was just a child.

I still have a really hard time with touch sometimes. My partner is about the only one I can tolerate, and even then sometimes it is just too much. I often experience a pain reaponse to it... and have to remind myself like crazy who is touching me, where I am, that I am safe, and that i can stop it anytime I want, etc. Over and over again.

I would start small, and talk about things. Maybe just sit on the couch, and press the fingertips of one hand to his. And talk. Maybe try to make eachother laugh, or trade favorote relationship memories. Take it slow, ground yourself, and be forgiving of your limitations. Little sessions like this, or with other types of touch that do not feel as suffocating might go a long way towards getting you back to where hugs and such are enjoyable and make you feel safe again. Good luck.

 

[Sea_lady]

I agree with @turtlemoon and @Heather : learning to be enjoying being touched is a very long process, and requires you to be with someone your body and mind both trust.

I have that problem too... It is one of the reasons why I am forever single. Only one man succeeded to touch me, and I loved it - and him... But feelings were not mutual and nothing worked out. I am alone since. Everything has started to slowly change when I left to a SPA holiday resorts where massages were included in the offer (1 per day). At the beginning, when I was touched, my body was reacting on the defensive and I had to force myself to not hit or punch, and make sure the body understood it was for its own good. Then, there was that woman.. She immediately saw the reactions of my body, and she asked me if I was once abused... I told her the truth. She told me she was also a survivor. We bonded somehow. and my body started to relax a bit since. After I got home, I started to book massage session once a week with a lady I trust now. I make progress, but there is still a long way to go...

Anyway...

I think I can understand your partner's frustration, and I believe the solution may be found by you two, working together. There are things you'll have to sort out on your own, but there are other things (like being touched again) you can only fix with the help of someone else. It does not go through words really, but through looking into each others eyes, feeling gentle touch, something gentle, sweet, that translates trust... Your body must learn to not be afraid, not dissociate and freeze, not fight as if it was threatened... It has to learn TO FEEL SAFE, to trust, to communicate with another body - when you'll feel ready. Baby steps. No pressure.

 

[NikkiJ]

PTSD has completely thrown my marriage for a loop to say the very least. A lot about me has changed...

Listen. I am going to respond to this because this is exactly how my husband and I are but only in reverse. I am in the car and will respond when I get home to my laptop. So glad to read your post because this is us and I feel very rejected when this happens and it is extremely painful.