Unconscious Hitting

[rightkindofme]

Maybe unconscious isn't the right word. Dissociated? Unaware? Oblivious?

The other night my husband and I were in a martial arts class and at one point I was a complete jerk and I smacked his head. It wasn't part of the drill. I was being a show off jerk because I was proving I could get around his block. It was not ok. It was rude.

His response was to reach over and hit my head so hard I had a headache for hours. I already have a laundry list of health problems so long I can't generally get through listing them in an initial appointment with a doctor.

In talking about this afterwards we have both apologized. But he says he ignores most of the time that I hit him.


WHAT!!!1!1111

So now I'm completely freaking out. I'm hitting him? I'm hitting him and I am totally not noticing? I can't recall hitting him for years before this.

Background: I have been someone who hits all my life. I thought I had gotten this to a point where I slipped every other year or maybe once a year. But he says no.

I am really freaking out. I am abusing my partner and I don't even notice. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to respond to this. I know it isn't "appropriate" but no really the only thing I can think of as a way to control my behavior more than I am already doing so is to cut. Cutting calms me down in a way absolutely nothing else does. Yes I've tried meds and meds and meds.

I haven't cut in... 4 years? It isn't yet my longest abstinent period. I once went 7 years. The first 7 of my life.

So... yeah. I'm uhm.

I feel like I don't know what to do. I feel like I should pack my bags and go. That really isn't what he wants. But if I am hitting him and I can't even be aware of it...

I am dangerous.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I can think of as a way to control my behavior more than I am already doing so is to cut. Cutting calms me down in a way absolutely nothing else does. Yes I've tried meds and meds and meds.

Im a cutter, its a release of edorphines (the 'feel good' chemical in your brain).

Ive cut and hurt myself in other ways without knowing it, being disassociated. Not often but i have. Ive also hurt myself in my sleep.

So maybe you hit him when he's teasing or something & dont realize it?

Has he told you how hard you hit him? Ive hit people like when they're joking & dont realize it. Not hard or anything so im wondering if you're doing that.

Also there is a disassociation that causes you to not know what you're doing and there are ways (my therapist does it) where someone can stop you from disassociating and/or pull you out of it.

 

[Panda Bear]

I've only injured my husband in my sleep, dozens of times over the past 18yrs. My kids have been caught in the crossfire a few times too(we've taken safety measures over the years to keep them from waking me).

I've hurt my husband and not known it many times.....even awake. He's very patient and tries hard to make sure I'm aware. It's sad, I understand

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've only injured my husband in my sleep, dozens of times over the past 18yrs. My kids have been caught in the crossfire a few times too(we've taken safety measures over the years to keep them from waking me).

I do that! Most times. If you wake me by touching me you're gonna get hit or kicked or 'fought off'. I used to kick my ex in my sleep, so much so that he gave us 'sides' on our king sized bed w/ pillows between us :( it sucked!

 

[hodge]

I have hit and kicked my husband in my sleep, too. It's awful. It's like that paralyzing thing you're supposed to have when you're dreaming doesn't work for me sometimes. Luckily, I've never done any damage. But I still feel awful when I do it. It's always a nightmare where I'm fighting someone off, only it transfers to real life and hubby is the target. Blech!

 

[Friday]

I am dangerous.

We're all dangerous. The only difference is, some people know it, & take steps to protect ourselves & those around us.

Yes... One of those steps could be divorcing your husband and living back of beyond where you'll never come into contact with another human being for the rest of your life. Not being facetious, I've done that... On more than one occasion. Well, not divorcing your husband ;) But the nuclear option of removing myself from society, period.

Since ^^^ is 1 of the 3 most extreme options around... How about we just nod, agree that yep, those are options... And decide to ignore them for the time being? ((I saw a spider in my house, so I got a piece of tissue paper, & very very carefully burned down my house.)) We can always come back to nuclear reactions if nothing else works. We can't always come back from nuclear reactions.

So... Middle ground? :)

You're in martial arts, so you already know Self Control is the name of the game. And the foundation of Self Control is Awareness. ((Aka undoubtedly part of why you're freaking out; if you're not aware, you can't control.)) The "easy" solution here, is to become aware.

So... Steps to become aware of when you're hitting your husband? Just knowing it happens helps. Maybe working out a system with him of journaling it for a month or three? Start looking for patterns of when it's happening? (And what's happening, how it's happening, etc.) Once you've got the patterns to work on, and are self aware, then start working on the self control, yes?

 

[rightkindofme]

We spent a lot of time talking last night. Noah says I hit him frequently, but it is closer to a tap than an injurious assault so he doesn't comment. He says if I were A) hurting him B) intimidating him or C) escalating he'd make it a big deal but I don't. What I do is more like smacking his shoulder for bad jokes in a way that doesn't hurt at all.

Ok... that's not enough that I should be packing my bags and going (I asked) but...

I genuinely don't notice that I'm doing this and that's a big problem. I asked him to start calling attention to it every single time it happens. I don't like that I'm doing this. I want to stop and apparently I'm not doing it on my own.

I asked him if he could please start pointing it out every single time it happens. I want to be in control of this behavior and clearly I am not.

So I didn't kill myself, I didn't cut, and I didn't leave home. But I did a lot of crying and freaking out.

That's something approaching healthy, right?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Man, this is tough.

It's good that you are having clear communication about it with him, that is quite useful.

And yea, I have similar stuff happen to me sometimes, though more in response to a trigger and much more violent, like beating someone up and not remembering. I noticed the trend of how often it happens is related to my mental stability. But it's good that you have his support in dealing with it.

That is something aproaching healthy, yes. Crying helps deal with emotions a lot, and freaking out is normal when finding out something like that, and it's good you found out in a much more gentle way, I first realized when I was reported in school that I beat someone up...

Good luck in healing, and I'm really glad you have a supportive partner :) Will make it much easier to get through this, and you know, most people don't have much problem in being hit from time to time, especially lightly :P