WillyKat
Diamond Member
I feel like I'm under a mountain, overwhelmed, and defeated.
Sorry in advance for the long post.
A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking with my therapist how I occasionally search the internet for my abuser. I want to know where he is, what he does. After my session, I got curious and googled him. I didn't find him, but did find his sister. A link came up to her facebook account. There I found my perp's wife, another sister, brothers, and others, but not the perp.
Amongst all that, I found family photos, including a few of my abuser. I didn't feel any shock, but I was taken aback by his warm, genuine, friendly smile with a twinkle in his eye. I guess I was expecting to see a sinister bully, someone that looked like an abuser, a devil. Instead, I found a very heavy, bald, bearded 60 something. As I told my therapist the next week, if you put a read suit and hat on him, he would be f*ing Santa Claus. And $100 says that's what does for $$ the day ofter Thanksgiving at the local shopping center.
Like I said, I didn't feel any shock, just a little surprised. I sat there for a moment, then went back to work. I didn't go back to download those photos, for reference, until a week later.
A week ago Saturday, my wife and I got into a fight. I have a trigger that goes off, I think, whenever people don't listen to me. Or maybe its when someone is leaning over my shoulder. Or maybe its feeling trapped in someone else's f'd up logic. Or maybe its all three. (I'm trying to catalog my triggers and still gathering data.) Anyhow, I'm trying to tell her what I'm seeing on my computer screen as she's over my shoulder disagreeing with me. It wasn't rocket science. We both saw four items in a list, but only two were insurance statements; the other two were irrelevant messages. She simply wouldn't believe what I was telling her and kept insisting there must be four items. Then she tells me that she doesn't have her glasses on and can't tell. I reply that "yeah, but I can and only two of these matter".
Long story short, she had me in her logic trap where she depended on me to see what we were looking at but wouldn't believe what I told her. Not the first time. So I was now fully triggered and blew up. It escalated to the point where I was yelling at her and demanding an apology. Instead of apologizing, she play acts and gets on her knees begging for forgiveness. Then runs to a corner as if she's scared of me (more on this later). I cursed her, grabbed my jacket and left the house.
I ended up walking in the dark and cold of the evening for maybe an hour. Much of the time, I'm in a near-rage. Ever seen a homeless guy on the street cursing at no one in particular? That was me, or close to it. I couldn't contain it. I felt absolutely awful that I could not contain it. My therapist and I had talked about more appropriate, and more useful responses to triggers, and I couldn't respond appropriately at all. I knew that, and still couldn't let go of the anger.
I felt completely alone, abandoned. I looked up at the stars and the trees along the walking path. I was grateful to be alone, not near any houses, so I could let off steam. I had started back home because I was cold. I only had a light jacket and a ball cap over a t-shirt and it was maybe 50 F. I remember looking up at the stars and trees and hoping there was something out there that loved me. And I felt absolutely nothing. It was the exact same nothingness I felt the day I nearly killed myself when I was 18. I felt as if instead of mother nature coming to help me that all she wanted was my dead body.
Finally, I started walking away again, farther into the dark and farther from homes. I started tearing up, then crying, and pretty soon I was laying on the path sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like this went on for an hour though it was probably more like ten minutes. Then I kept walking and raging for another hour or so.
Finally my wife called on the phone and said she was worried. I told her that I doubted that very much. I explained the concept of triggers to her, she apologized, etc. She apologized too for the play acting, including pretending she was afraid I'd hit her or something. (For the record, I don't think I've every hit anyone; though once when younger and triggered by my brother, I had his neck between my knees. He never messed with me again after that.) I came home, we hugged, apologized. I thought for a moment this might be a breakthrough, where I could finally get some support from her.
It was not to be. I have a book I'm reading "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Source Book" (by Schiraldi.) I asked her to look at it so she could understand a little of what PTSD is. I was thinking maybe she could learn something about supporting me more. Well, it's been a couple of weeks and nothing. She even moved the damn thing out of her way once, but never even looked at it. x
At last Friday's session with my therapist, I told her about our fight, the trigger, and how crappy I felt about how I acted. I told that I knew when I was blowing up that there was a better way to handle this, but I couldn't get my brain and body to act like that. I felt so out of control. She did a good job of spinning the data to look positive. She said I should see that I did the right thing by putting on my jacket and leaving the house. But the plan was that in such situations, I should just state that I feel trapped in my wife's screwy logic and express myself with words. She asked me how I felt about my wife's behavior. I finally stated the obvious, that I felt abandoned.
Last night, I mentioned the PTSD book again to my wife. I noticed this morning that it moved, but not a word from my wife. When I got home, she was watching some dumb ass Doris Day, Rock Hudson movie instead, the same one she's seen a dozen times.
I just feel overwhelmed, like what I need to do to heal at all is too much, that I have to shovel the entire mountain to have a life. How do I know that after all the shoveling, there won't be another mountain?
Sorry in advance for the long post.
A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking with my therapist how I occasionally search the internet for my abuser. I want to know where he is, what he does. After my session, I got curious and googled him. I didn't find him, but did find his sister. A link came up to her facebook account. There I found my perp's wife, another sister, brothers, and others, but not the perp.
Amongst all that, I found family photos, including a few of my abuser. I didn't feel any shock, but I was taken aback by his warm, genuine, friendly smile with a twinkle in his eye. I guess I was expecting to see a sinister bully, someone that looked like an abuser, a devil. Instead, I found a very heavy, bald, bearded 60 something. As I told my therapist the next week, if you put a read suit and hat on him, he would be f*ing Santa Claus. And $100 says that's what does for $$ the day ofter Thanksgiving at the local shopping center.
Like I said, I didn't feel any shock, just a little surprised. I sat there for a moment, then went back to work. I didn't go back to download those photos, for reference, until a week later.
A week ago Saturday, my wife and I got into a fight. I have a trigger that goes off, I think, whenever people don't listen to me. Or maybe its when someone is leaning over my shoulder. Or maybe its feeling trapped in someone else's f'd up logic. Or maybe its all three. (I'm trying to catalog my triggers and still gathering data.) Anyhow, I'm trying to tell her what I'm seeing on my computer screen as she's over my shoulder disagreeing with me. It wasn't rocket science. We both saw four items in a list, but only two were insurance statements; the other two were irrelevant messages. She simply wouldn't believe what I was telling her and kept insisting there must be four items. Then she tells me that she doesn't have her glasses on and can't tell. I reply that "yeah, but I can and only two of these matter".
Long story short, she had me in her logic trap where she depended on me to see what we were looking at but wouldn't believe what I told her. Not the first time. So I was now fully triggered and blew up. It escalated to the point where I was yelling at her and demanding an apology. Instead of apologizing, she play acts and gets on her knees begging for forgiveness. Then runs to a corner as if she's scared of me (more on this later). I cursed her, grabbed my jacket and left the house.
I ended up walking in the dark and cold of the evening for maybe an hour. Much of the time, I'm in a near-rage. Ever seen a homeless guy on the street cursing at no one in particular? That was me, or close to it. I couldn't contain it. I felt absolutely awful that I could not contain it. My therapist and I had talked about more appropriate, and more useful responses to triggers, and I couldn't respond appropriately at all. I knew that, and still couldn't let go of the anger.
I felt completely alone, abandoned. I looked up at the stars and the trees along the walking path. I was grateful to be alone, not near any houses, so I could let off steam. I had started back home because I was cold. I only had a light jacket and a ball cap over a t-shirt and it was maybe 50 F. I remember looking up at the stars and trees and hoping there was something out there that loved me. And I felt absolutely nothing. It was the exact same nothingness I felt the day I nearly killed myself when I was 18. I felt as if instead of mother nature coming to help me that all she wanted was my dead body.
Finally, I started walking away again, farther into the dark and farther from homes. I started tearing up, then crying, and pretty soon I was laying on the path sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like this went on for an hour though it was probably more like ten minutes. Then I kept walking and raging for another hour or so.
Finally my wife called on the phone and said she was worried. I told her that I doubted that very much. I explained the concept of triggers to her, she apologized, etc. She apologized too for the play acting, including pretending she was afraid I'd hit her or something. (For the record, I don't think I've every hit anyone; though once when younger and triggered by my brother, I had his neck between my knees. He never messed with me again after that.) I came home, we hugged, apologized. I thought for a moment this might be a breakthrough, where I could finally get some support from her.
It was not to be. I have a book I'm reading "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Source Book" (by Schiraldi.) I asked her to look at it so she could understand a little of what PTSD is. I was thinking maybe she could learn something about supporting me more. Well, it's been a couple of weeks and nothing. She even moved the damn thing out of her way once, but never even looked at it. x
At last Friday's session with my therapist, I told her about our fight, the trigger, and how crappy I felt about how I acted. I told that I knew when I was blowing up that there was a better way to handle this, but I couldn't get my brain and body to act like that. I felt so out of control. She did a good job of spinning the data to look positive. She said I should see that I did the right thing by putting on my jacket and leaving the house. But the plan was that in such situations, I should just state that I feel trapped in my wife's screwy logic and express myself with words. She asked me how I felt about my wife's behavior. I finally stated the obvious, that I felt abandoned.
Last night, I mentioned the PTSD book again to my wife. I noticed this morning that it moved, but not a word from my wife. When I got home, she was watching some dumb ass Doris Day, Rock Hudson movie instead, the same one she's seen a dozen times.
I just feel overwhelmed, like what I need to do to heal at all is too much, that I have to shovel the entire mountain to have a life. How do I know that after all the shoveling, there won't be another mountain?
