Sufferer Undone

[Ariane]

I'm new to this, talking about my problems with people who actually understand, at least I hope you do. I have a blog and all, but let's be honest, no one really takes the time to read what I have to say. I've come to find that nobody cares about anyone else's misery unless it benefits them.
I'm 20 and I've lost a huge part of my youth to neglect, domestic violence, homelessness, etc. I'm still picking up the pieces, learning how to function in reality and not my moms hallucinations. The paranoia is a constant companion and the disassociation has been taking hold more and more frequently. Sometimes I can't even tell the difference, am I having a bad day? Do I care?
I don't really know how to handle this. I've been struggling with depression since I was 10 but I was diagnosed with PTSD as well about three-four years ago. My therapist at the time never gave me any techniques to cope. She claimed that I was incredibly self-aware and therefore able to take care of myself. I was a 16 year old
With a self-harm problem but that never really bothered her... My boyfriend and my best friend do what they can to help me but I'm starting to slip even further, I'm not seeing the upside for the first time in a while. I don't have the money for therapy or medication. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[intothelight]

@Ariane Welcome to the forum! :)

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial as you work on your healing!

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome and warm :hug:

My mom had hallucinations but hers were intentional via certain substances. Terrifying as a kid to deal with and leaves permanent marks. I am so sorry you had to deal with this.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!!

 

[Ariane]

Thank you all.
And @Fadeaway, my mom was into many substances as well. Her boyfriend got her into all of that crap and she lost her mind. I'm terrified of the damage he left behind in her. But I cant do anything to help because she doesn't think anything is wrong.

 

[Fadeaway]

No, you can't do anything to help. I did everything in my power to try and get my mom clean and get her help but she didn't want it. It is so incredibly hard to sit back and watch something like that. You need to take extra good care of your self.

 

[Ariane]

@Fadeaway i'm doing better now than when I was in high school. My boyfriend is a contributing factor to that. Unfortunately I clung onto the emotional stability that he gave me and now I'm having trouble coping while he's in a different state visiting friends. I feel childish, unable to control myself without his help. He understands completely and is really worried and all but it's difficult.

 

[Fadeaway]

That is completely understandable. You didn't have the sense of security you were supposed to get growing up and the support you needed transitioning into adulthood. Your boyfriend represents something you were supposed to have earlier in life. That isn't childish. It just means that this time of your life is going to be a bigger changeling than it would be for someone who did get those needs met earlier on. It does get easier, but I know that doesn't help with the now.

 

[Ariane]

@Fadeaway Thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say and to try and help me through this. It means a lot to know that there's someone out that really understands.