Unhealthy Forms Of Comfort

[Hidden]

After my husbands death trying to find acceptance and comfort has been a big thing. I've never been one to deal with being alone but, after my husbands death I found myself searching. And 6 months after his death I found myself with a guy. That also had lost his wife 6 months before I had lost my husband. Not that dealing with the pstd was bad enough I had pstd caused by other things before the tragic death of my husband. So you can only imagine my mental state 6 months after the death of my husband was not great and having someone around that I felt could relate at a level was kind of nice. The truth of the mater is this man got married behind my back lied to me and told me that he was helping his sister move.

The truth of the matter was I was mad when I found out.. To put yourself in a state where you put so much trust in someone after such a traumatic loss but, the sad part about all this is I never did totally let go of this man and he continued to see me for the last year and a half and the craziness about this all is I've continued to rationalize this relationship in my head telling myself that if I was him I would have done the same thing and that not only could he not handle my 5 kids I'm not sure I could have handled two more. And that this Lady he married is good for his kids. Though I feel really bad for her because she hasn't known about me..

But, again the situation has been good emotionally for me as it has given me that slow not to pushy not there all the time way to slowly heal and still have that back ground support. And I feel bad for his wife even though I have been very supportive of his relationship with her and in some cases pushed him to work things out with her when things were going bad. I know is pretty messed up.

This is the week that my husband passed away though and someone who knows about the situation decided to get into our business and tell his wife. I knew this was eventually going to have to come to an end. but, not this week.. I guess it's kind of my punishment for playing with fire. It's been mostly perfect this last year and a half but, I had to block out those emotions that told me that he had chosen someone over me.. And that I was never going to come first..

It's now that he has stepped away from us reminded me of why he didn't choose to be with me in the first place. financially, I'm in a horrible place with 5 kids and I wonder if I will ever find love again with my emotional, financial and situational issues.

It's brought back the night mares the insecurities and with the 2 year mark of my husbands death coming up a lot of resentment for him leaving me and the kids. Maybe I'm just giving myself time to morn for the first time. But, a fake relationship with someone that made me feel special was easier to deal with then dealing with the fact that I am a mess that no one wants.

This guy wasn't the first to hurt me because they felt I had too much baggage in my life. I also met someone at work that clamed to have liked me a lot. but, when it came right down to it my baggage scared him. It was the same story I really like you but, I can't handle the stuff that comes with you... and they love me from that distant state. This other guy also still talks and interacts with me as a good friend that when I step too far away from him admits he is afraid of loosing me as a friend but, has sense started seeing someone else and i'm again expendable.

my best friend even though she claims to love me and I am a good person in her eyes doesn't bring herself in to my life with my kids. I always go to her house enter her life which makes me feel again a bit abandoned. My kids my life and my money problems aren't a puppy that I can just give away. I love my family too much and I admit I do become closed off some times from totally opening myself up to letting people in because they can't handle all of me.

And to see me in a Anxiety or PSTD attack just pushes people away farther. It scares them. I'm broken, I'm always told what a good mom, good person I am but, and I know that's worth something but, not worth enough to be apart of it with me.

Hidden

 

[Notsowild]

It's tough @Hidden.... My daughter has 3 girls and she has a tough time finding a good guy to except them. Welcome to the forum

 

[Hidden]

Thanks for the welcome, Really need the support right now. Not many understand.. trying to get my emotions to match up with what I try to tell myself and the flash backs. It's crazy the impression trama puts on the body. and I get so scared. I hate living in fear like this...

 

[scout86]

Sorry you've had such a rough time! The time around a significant anniversary, like the death of your husband, always seems to be extra hard. You don't mention if you've sought out help, like maybe therapy. Have you? You might find it's VERY helpful in sorting all this out.

Have you considered that maybe this guy "left you and got married behind your back" because he's a narcissistic jerk, not because there's something wrong with YOU? A decent, normal person doesn't lead someone on by pretending to be in a relationship with them, while planning to marry someone else. Neither do they lie to their new bride and continue a relationship outside the marriage. My best guess? Hard as all this is for you, you're better off without him. Now you can concentrate on helping yourself and your kids to a better life. Believe me, if you're in a relationship with a person like he appears to be, it will be all about HIM, all of the time.

It's really common to blame yourself and take responsibility for other people's issues. Doesn't mean it's true!

Welcome to the forum. This place can be a great resource. I hope you can find some help and companionship on your journey.

 

[Hidden]

If he is that jerk I have become it right along with him. And as crazy as it sounds. If it was most other situations I would tend to agree. I also growing up was sort of preconditioned for this as my Grandfather had a mistress through 50 years of his marriage to my grandma and he wasn't a jerk he loved her very much...As did he love his mistress.

I honestly know this man cares for me at some level and when things calm down he will contact me. That's part of my problem is I'm too ok with the situation. And that the situation has kept me grounded. People do things for crazy reasons when they get scared. And he did too... I was still not first choice for his life with his kids. The lady he married had never been married or was able to have kids of her own and has a really good job. And that stability is something we all look for. My husband I know married me at the time because I had a house and a car and was semi stable as well. I know it was a winning point for our relationship at first and we grew together from there. I don't know it all just gets complicated...

 

[scout86]

How do you know he cares for you? How does he demonstrate that in the relationship?

So, the same kind of relationship your grandparents had (not monogamous) is what you're looking for? Have you ever thought that it might be nice to be in a relationship with someone who cared about YOU, rather than someone who only cares about what you can do FOR them? In your description of the woman he married, I think the key point is probably that she has a good job. Maybe also that she can't have kids, because I'd bet he doesn't want any more kids. I'd be willing to bet that he's using her too.

There are people out there like that. The real problem is "them". The secondary problem is that some of us don't see them for what they are fast enough, or don't realize we deserve better, or don't realize that being in NO relationship is better than being in a bad one.

Have you thought about therapy?