Sufferer 'unspoken Rules'

[LhasaLover]

Thanks for your post, I relate to your story. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. From a very early age I learnt the sense of dread and fear. It was a horror story being the oldest girl and left to be caretaker. I'm finding that I am move comfortable with PTSD, but it flares up around my family or origin and I am re-traumatized. My brother is the ticking bomb in our family as well, highly manipulative, vindictive and opportunistic. Each member of my family projects their abuse onto me. While I am always praised independent and strong, I am learning that I don't have to be, I don't have to rise above the rest in order to belong. My PTSD prowess, which allowed me to function under extremely dysfunctional conditions threw my life into a mid-life crisis and time of transition (now). What I find difficult are unhealthy relationships that linger because someone else does not want to let go, because they are getting something out of it. Knowing my condition allows me to think outside of the box and not be "played". It's difficult as I am hyperaware not to react, but I just take it in like you said and study, or in my case, observe... It's definitely a super-isolating disease as only a certain doctors or others understand PTSD. Right now I am living with one of the parents and it is super re-traumatizing despite their efforts to change, they will never be quite right I have accepted. I know how you feel, it's like "I'm Done". How long have you felt like this? TC.

 

[CountryGal]

Right now I am living with one of the parents and it is super re-traumatizing despite their efforts to change, they will never be quite right I have accepted. I know how you feel, it's like "I'm Done". How long have you felt like this? TC.

I hope I am responding properly this site is still a little confusing. My mother has never been mentally or emotionally stable for as long as I have known her. I could never live with her and still be ok with who she is today. The damage she's done me, starting as young as 5, will always be a part of me so I am able to speak to her only when I am up to it. As far as being "Done" with my mother (my father left to the other side of the US 40 years ago) I believed I achieved that feeling when I realized the pain, hatred and violent thoughts I had toward her were only hurting me. She is no longer important enough to provoke strong feelings from me. She had me emotionally for 30 years (even when I cut off communication) and then over 22 years ago I let myself breath a sigh of relief knowing she can't harm me any more. Not by her doing and not by my holding on to what she's done.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I don't know what you've been diagnosed wiht as of type of PTSD, but sounsd like CPTSD.

I recommend getting Treatment of Complex Trauma It's a good therapy book that helps you realize the effect all kinds of abuse does to you.

 

[CountryGal]

It's so confusing when your parents were not appropriate role models to get help, get diagnosed... so many people do not ever get help. I'm focusing now on not being re-traumatized. I've been searching for a PTSD support group in my area with no luck!

I guess I was lucky in a way. I always knew I didn't know!! Relationships of any kind where like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles. Looking back It seems that the only things in my life that left me re-tramatized were when I tried to 'act as if'. As if I understood relationships, as if I felt or delt with feelings like others around me. I had limits I did not adhere to like intense fear when I got to close emotionally. The good guys would run thinking me nuts and the bad guys would eat it up. I once attended a 'Survivors' group but could not understand the pain of others. That pain that comes from needing something or someone. I don't recall ever having that feeling in my life. With 9 angry siblings (me being number 8 of 10) and 2 scary parents I saw nothing that I needed or wanted. I guess if I had tried a new group and/or stuck around long enough I might have found someone like me but that's mainly why I came on this site. Hopefully with the wide reach this site has I eventually won't feel alien even amoungst others with PTSD. I truly hope you hang in there until you find someone in your area that you can relate to. In the meantime there seem to be plenty of good people here.

 

[CountryGal]

I guess I only 'think' I know the reasons if I blame myself for how they feel (if it's bad). That is painful. I have to think then (despite myself) that I don't know..

I spent most of my life blaming myself for everything that went wrong around me. I felt horrible about myself because I truly believed it was my fault. Eventually I realized that it was soooo much easier for me than to take the blame than to have to try and work something out with anyone else (which usually ended in me breaking down emotionally). If 'I' were to blame the ball was back in my court and 'I' had choices on the outcome. Either 'I' could correct the wrong (sometimes even simply by taking the blame and letting the other person feel superior) or make an apology (even if I didn't mean it). I got so caught up in this idea I learned how to anger someone that got to emotionally close which in turn made them leave me. For me it ended up coming down to take back some sense of control in an emotional situation that I simply was incapable of dealing with.

 

[LhasaLover]

I hope I am responding properly this site is still a little confusing. My mother has never been mentally or emotionally stable for as long as I have known her. I could never live with her and still be ok with who she is today. The damage she's done me, starting as young as 5, will always be a part of me so I am able to speak to her only when I am up to it. As far as being "Done" with my mother (my father left to the other side of the US 40 years ago) I believed I achieved that feeling when I realized the pain, hatred and violent thoughts I had toward her were only hurting me. She is no longer important enough to provoke strong feelings from me. She had me emotionally for 30 years (even when I cut off communication) and then over 22 years ago I let myself breath a sigh of relief knowing she can't harm me any more. Not by her doing and not by my holding on to what she's done.

Hi CountryGal, Oh I hear you loud and clear. Really good for you for being smart and taking initiative to change your life and be enlightened! It's difficult to recognize the disease and pull yourself out of the situation at the same time, I could go on and on about my mother and the absolute insanity that I was introduced to from a very early age. It was, needless to say, a childhood that for frighten any kid. Thank goodness I have the clarity now to see all that for what it was. I also really relate to Junebug, only recently did I catch my own self-loathing talk going on in the back of my head. Your thoughts and stories are incredible. I can relate on so many levels. Most of my family I don't speak to anymore. It's like they don't even exist. My life is a lot better without them, but I am dealing with grieving the loss of the hope for a family. I think that's all I ever wanted and was so compliant to get that point. I am the family scapegoat as I am the only one who has sought professional help from early on and was identified as the trouble maker. I no longer blame myself for how other's feel, but can still catch myself taking the blame just so someone does and the issue is over. Apologize... even forgive in an attempt not to be blocked. I am learning however that forgiveness is a process and you just cannot skip over it without having a shred of resentment. I'm learning not to make that leap forward again before I have solid footing. This has been a huge advantage for me to just stay in the moment and not feel like I have to do anything to make things better. Likewise, since I know I have PTSD, at least I can manage it.

 

[Pietro]

l, too, am hyper-sensitive to the emotions/energies of others.

I believe this is a byproduct of chronic traumatization -- you become hyper-intuitive as a survival mechanism. You learn to "read" people so that you can detect emotional states that might lead to bad things for you. I've always considered this one of my strongest skills. ;)

There used to be a TV show called "Lie to Me", where they discussed some of this. The main character, who was a professional "people reader", used to say that people with his skill set were "made" when they were young -- implying that they went through chronic trauma of some kind. Maybe we should collect all members from this blog and start our own company. :D

I spent most of my life blaming myself for everything that went wrong around me. I felt horrible about myself because I truly believed it was my fault. Eventually I realized that it was soooo much easier for me than to take the blame than to have to try and work something out with anyone else

Ditto. Just starting to get over that now. Sucks, doesn't it? Glad to hear that you're making progress on this!

 

[AussieRose]

I believe this is a byproduct of chronic traumatization -- you become hyper-intuitive as a survival mechanism. You learn to "read" people so that you can detect emotional states that might lead to bad things for you. I've always considered this one of my strongest skills. ;)

Good thinking, Pietro! I'm all for turning a negative into a HUGE positive (and money)! :D

I agree that hyper-intuition is a by-product of trauma, and l have watched people embrace this ability as a skill or allow it to torment them. I have chosen to embrace it but still experience sensory overload, at times. I have found it helps to have a quiet space to retreat to each day, and l do my best to limit my exposure to highly charged situations, and have made many tough decisions over the years as a result. It's a huge leap to go from growing up believing you weren't worthy of love, to giving yourself (and your inner child) the self care and love you always deserved...

 

[Pietro]

I agree -- being this intuitive is a form of being highly sensitive, which means it's very easy for us to get overwhelmed. But, all my life, I've never seen it as anything other than a gift.

It's a huge leap to go from growing up believing you weren't worthy of love, to giving yourself (and your inner child) the self care and love you always deserved...

This is something I've only come to in the last few months. I'm still trying to understand it. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)