Unusual attachment to mother

[Uvec]

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this? I feel as though I am very codependent when it comes to my mother. I feel this great need/desire to be around her all the time, I seriously miss her every time she leaves and/or leaves the house. I used to have serious anxiety about her either committing suicide or dying in a car crash, although that has really subsided. Every time she states she is in pain or ill I have serious anxiety about it. I just never want her to be mad at me. I feel like its my job to make sure she is ok all the time and feels good about herself and to counteract when anyone in my family is mean to her...On the other hand she is also very controlling and can at times be emotionally abusive and extremely critical yet I feel this incessant need to be with her and solve her problems if this makes sense? Mind you, I am an adult. I just wonder when a relationship like this becomes unhealthy or is this just me being overly caring or what?

 

[Ogeb]

I just wonder when a relationship like this becomes unhealthy or is this just me being overly caring or what?

Right here

I feel like its my job to make sure she is ok all the time and feels good about herself and to counteract when anyone in my family is mean to her...

It's not your job.

Caring about someone & being responsible for them are two different things. Being responsible for their feelings? A third, and impossible, thing.

 

[Jeluc]

Sounds really really unhealthy.

 

[Uvec]

Thanks for your reply, my T states I need to "fire" myself from this job but, I just don't know how...I do feel heavily responsible like I'm the only one who cares/she has always overly identified with me since childhood and has shared things with me that she wouldn't even share with my dad its just a very complicated relationship..I just don't know how to find that balance...I don't want to be cold or uncaring..

 

[Apici]

Thanks for your reply, my T states I need to "fire" myself from this job but, I just don't know how...I do feel heavily r...

Its not going to be easy, you gotta accept that part of it too. Nothing this comfortable is "easy" to change. Once you quit you will probably start to feel some sort of pain, but you will gradually feel soooooooo much better.

 

[Itiv]

I kind of agree Ogeb. It would be ok I think if you were still a younger teenager 13or 14 being an adult you need to cut the strings and get on with your life. This is most likely because of your up bringing and a very controlling Mother. Get out of this type of relationship with your Mom and go and get your own life.

 

[Uvec]

Thank you so much for the confirmation that this isn't normal/healthy. @Itiv I don't want you to get the wrong idea I do spend a lot of time without my mom and have my own activities and friends and such...this is really complicated being that I am living at home again and I feel like I am back in the family dynamic so it is just so hard for me when I know my mom relies on me for that emotional support. I just don't know where to draw the line so, the relationship is not unhealthy while at the same time still supporting/being there for my mom.

I think I know at this point with the anxiety/feeling so incredibly responsible for my moms well being is unhealthy and unusual. Yet also because of this I am completely taken advantage of and criticized a lot because, my mom has no risk of losing my relationship if that makes sense? This realization that I have just come to hurts a lot...

 

[Apici]

Thank you so much for the confirmation that this isn't normal/healthy. @Itiv I don't want you to get the wrong idea I do...

At some point a relationship has its inviting qualities. but at some point there is just nothing worth salvaging when comparing it to the turmoil it brings to you. A relationship cant really have Positive qualities and Unhealthy qualities. A relationship is unhealthy or it isnt. Perhaps you can MANAGE parts of an unhealthy relationship, but you are not doing yourself and favors by putting up with that baggage.

 

[Ucico]

If your T has suggested you fire yourself from this 'job' ask him to help you do that. To teach you about how enmeshed you are and how to start untangling yourself .
This reminds me of being a kid and told to stop doing something. But no one showed me how to do That.

I was very enmeshed with my mom too. It took a lot of work and self honesty. But it did happen.
Sending strength for you to find out how to do this in a healthy way.

 

[Uvec]

Thank you for your encouraging post @Ucico...a lot to think about

 

[Eruz]

I realize this is beyond enmeshment but maybe this might help?

Emotional Incest And Unspeakable Truths

:hug:

 

[Gebimo]

I just never want her to be mad at me. I feel like its my job to make sure she is ok all the time and feels good about herself and to counteract when anyone in my family is mean to her...On the other hand she is also very controlling and can at times be emotionally abusive and extremely critical yet I feel this incessant need to be with her and solve her problems if this makes sense?

Yes.