Up Until Today, I Hadn't Understood The Meaning, The Feeling Of Dissociation.

[Tei-Saji]

Now I do. I always feel like I'm in stuck in the past, forced to argue with people who've long departed my life.

I take in my surroundings---I see it, but I don't actually perceive it, if that makes sense. Like say I'm looking at a clock that has its short arm to 6 and long arm to twelve. When I'm in a dissociative state, I can only say that it's 'a circular disk that hangs on the wall, whose two lines point straight up and straight down.' But if I'm not, I can say that it's a clock plainly indicating it's 6:00.

Sometimes, I get fearful and start to show symptoms of anxiety. And during that while, my mind is just stuck in another corner of my brain, witnessing what my body is doing. It's unable to control, or rather, it's difficult to bring my mind from that corner back into reality. And when I do, I feel very fatigued. Maybe this dissociation is a way of avoiding that fatigue?

Should I try hard to bring myself to the reality that I'm scared and emotionally exhausted whenever I dissociate? What does this board think?

 

[jmni]

I always feel like I'm in stuck in the past, forced to argue with people who've long departed my life.

That's so accurate and I needed to hear it right now.

I think that if you have come to this bridge it's time to cross it. That feeling limits you because you doubt your ability. But we are capable and we have to try. It is really hard to force yourself out of that mentality. It's so difficult...

 

[silkleaves]

Very difficult...up until a year ago when I was in therapy, I had no idea what disassociating or ruminating was. Those two things seemed to control my life. Now that I know, and I'm aware that I'm doing it, the only thing that has changed is...I'm aware that I'm doing it. I still feel helpless in the moment...though afterwards, I try to apply what I learned in therapy to try and find out what triggered it, and I do seem to come down from it a lot faster.

But even then "faster" just means, instead of a few months, its down to a few weeks. Which, I'll admit, is definitely progress...but still. Even knowing what I know now, and having the tools to keep myself in check, it's still very hard.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I understand how you feel, my dissociation experiences seem somewhat similar to yours. I feel very out of it and not 'there'. The bit where you said that you said you were seeing things but not really seeing them is what the main part of my dissociation is, I get very tired and drained also which makes it difficult to come back to reality and be properly aware of my surroundings.

I find that touching things with an odd texture helps, however, for me, touching things with a familiar and plain texture sends me even deeper into a panicked, less aware state. So I have to be careful. Often, when I am dissociated, it takes a little while, but I do soon realise slightly what is happening and from there I can tell myself that I am okay and that is when I reach for something to touch.
So maybe, if you get to a point where you, even just slightly, are aware you are dissociated and can then slowly tell yourself you are okay and bring yourself back. (This is just my experience, it might not work for you).

Good luck finding your answers.