Relationship Update On Myself

[Deleted member 33287]

I've started seeing therapy a few weeks ago. Has helped but what I realized is I am to damaged to be friends with my friend who pushed me away. Realized I was never taught to love with love but was taught to love with control from my mom. Instead of knowing how to love and trust which I sure as hell wasn't taught from my mom I went back to what I know and loved by being controlling ( but wasn't intentional)

To my friend who will never see and read this I am sorry for being controlling. I am sorry I was never taught how to love because it meant losing you. You were the first person who taught me how to love and forever greatful. I know it's to late but wish there was a way I could get better and press restart

 

[Tinyflame]

You made a courageous step @Statsattack . :hug:

 

[sedna]

I've started seeing therapy a few weeks ago. Has helped but what I realized is I am to damaged to b...

Thats really great self awareness and taking responsibility for how you made someone else feel! :cry:
Dont be too hard on yourself, everybody has unconscious patterns from parents.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Thats really great self awareness and taking responsibility for how you made someone else feel! :cry:
Do...

Part that makes me mad I got help when it's to late.

 

[sedna]

Part that makes me mad I got help when it's to late.

It's not too late. it really isnt. One of the things I'm starting to realize, is that the 20/20 hindsight thing is the core of most insidious darkness of ptsd. You keep yourself constantly traumatized with ' coulda, woulda. shoulda's ' after every mistake you make, grinding in over and over what you do wrong and where you are broken. You dont know if somehow another chance with your friend will unfold someday, maybe in a different way or a years from now. What you can be sure of, is that you will be given more chances to have a better relationship with new people someday, whether you take the opportunity or not, they will show up in your life. Self blame and sadness are good to help you understand how you made mistakes, then you can work on things in an honest way. Its not a good thing when you let it descend into self hatred, Please be careful of that. :)

** I dont know why when I've been posting quotes, my whole comment shows as a quote. So I'm going to stop quoting. I have a strange attachment to a really old chromebook that has missing keys and is falling apart. I feel anxious when I try to use anything else and end up giving new laptops to my kids. Its like my teddy bear. I was just thinking that when I saw I posted as quote by accident to you also, and the sadness you feel about the loss of your friend. I cant stand loss either, I'm not letting go of this broken old samsung. :(

 

[Deleted member 33287]

I made a promise to myself and my therapist that I will not approach my friend or try to get her back till I can change my behavior.

Funny thing is someone said I'm wise beyond my years

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yes @Statsattack! Real work about your mom! Im so glad you are working through this! Im so proud of you! So much progress in so little time!