Upset By Therapist

[watundah]

So I had some bad feelings happen in the past week stemming from being molested as a child. This rarely happens.

Well, I told the therapist about the abuse and who did it and where it happened a couple of years ago, it's come up maybe 3x in 3 years, but thats about it and we've never gone beyond that.

My therapist recently encouraged me to start emailing her to help me open up to her. Now I wrote her this lengthy letter with a bit more detail based on the recent flashback and while her response was kind and helpful she wrote "I dont recall ever covering this in our sessions. .." Now I am totally pissed and hurt. HOW do you forget that your client was molested as a child? I have been working so hard and we have come a long way with trusting her in the last few months but now I am slamming the door shut and retreating. She has hurt me and failed me. Yes, therapists are human and make mistakes but forgetting this seems unforgivable and unacceptable. Feeling not special, like another manila folder.

I wrote her that I didn't know how this was possible and that I was very disturbed by it and not to look for me at my appointment next week.

 

[Theresa1122]

I understand that she has more than one client, but before responding to an e-mail, she should have looked at her notes and it should have been in her notes about your previous sessions stating what you had talked about. This is very disappointing! I think it's a good idea not to go to your next appointment with her and maybe try to find a new therapist. It took me several years to find the right therapist for me and maybe she's just not the right one for you. Don't give up on therapy, please. You need to get these things out and learn how to deal with your nightmares, flashbacks, memories, and other symptoms from your trauma, but maybe with someone new? Just an idea.

 

[greenleaf]

For me, even the tiniest statements about abuse of myself and others in my family, tends to be very difficult to make when I don't know if the person I'm talking to will be safe with the information. The conversation with that person can sort of feel like it is rimmed in fire in my memory... I think that maybe an inner "part" starts watching very carefully for safety cues, and is hopeful that the person can be a support on something that hardly any people have supported (me) on. (Although for me that latter statement is finally improving.)

Somehow I doubt that I am unique in this! :rolleyes: In fact, I suspect that a decent trauma therapist would probably know that disclosing such information, with such safety issues for a lot of us, might be in the back of our minds all the time once we've hinted at it, and that we might be hoping to build on the trust etc. so we can work on it, if we even can put that into words for ourselves.

That you've mentioned this 3 times and she hasn't gotten it into her mind that it will be significant for you, would in fact rule the person out in my mind too; I know it's not great to be all "black and white", but this is such a huge red flag in a T for a trauma survivor that my inclination is to very gently nudge you to find a T with real trauma expertise. You should not have to educate a T on such basics!!! What else will the T get wrong? It's not your job to train them, and if you're like me you will doubt your own interpretation each time she does something that would bother 99% of trauma survivors... It is very good to work through issues with a T, and a really crucial part of therapy, but the Ts need to be "in the ballpark" for trauma survivors, to start with...

There is real training for Ts to help trauma survivors now, please do your best to take advantage of it. You deserve it!

 

[barefoot]

I can understand why you feel hurt and pissed off about this - sounds like you feel very let down by her and I totally get that. I think I'd feel that way too.

I find her response strange in that I'm surprised she has admitted in the email that she doesn't recall it. I wonder if she thinks being honest and admitting it is a good thing for your relationship and part of building trust. But actually her admission has had the opposite effect - understandably, in my opinion.

I also understand why you want to withdraw, retreat and cancel your next appointment. But please don't rush in to dumping her because you're feeling upset about this. I think she's made a mistake - I think it is hugely regrettable that she has forgotten this information about you and I think she's then made a mistake in how she responded to your message. I know from other threads we've both posted in that you find some aspects of therapy/the therapeutic relationship very challenging, so this is bound to feel like a huge setback. But I also think you like her, you've worked together for this long, you have made some progress with her...

I know this feels really shitty at the moment and you're probably really angry with her. And that's ok - it's your right to be. She's messed up here. I just wonder if refusing to go to your next appointment is maybe not the most helpful way forward for you.

Could you think about how she could make things right and help you get things back on track together and then focus some time next session addressing how you feel about what's happened and what you need from her to move forwards?

Sorry you're having a difficult time and that your therapist's response has added to that.

 

[Biz]

I would feel that exact same way. Really hurt. I do wonder though; I've had a similar situation of referencing past trauma, from an abusive relationship, and then going to talk about it with my therapist and her saying that conversation came out of nowhere. We broke it down and basically, my previous reference was too vague for her. I felt like it was super clear and now she knew but she said she hadn't heard it like that.
Is there any chance that rather than keeping poor notes, your therapist just wasn't reading more in to subtle references?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

One of my Ts forgot all the time, until we started work on that issue steadily. I learned not to take it too personally. He was gifted in other areas, so he helped me a lot. I did need to begin with trauma specialists, and scale back and finally end my work with the family therapist. It was worth going to him, as he taught me things I needed to know before getting into deep trauma work.

Being insulted, walking out of an appointment is never helpful for your healing.
Feeling hurt, forgotten, that your T doesn't care (not true) happens all the time in therapy. This is when you find your courage and calmly describe what happened when she said" ___", and how you feel. Then the two of you work it through. This is very, very healing. Walking away isn't.

Anytime you feel like canceling an appointment - don't. Your commitment to therapy is crucial to your healing process. Most good work feels awful, yet changes you for the better.

Please keep your appointment, even if you'd rather feel like doing anything but. Talk to her. If you don't tell her, if you don't talk about what is festering deep inside, you'll only get sicker. If you beat around the bush, talking about unimportant stuff, this awful stuff cannot come up to be healed. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, honest and yes, even to feel hurt.

With my deep concern:hug:

P.S. (Apology, had a phone call). I needed to remind myself on occasion that I had the one therapist that I was investing my energy and hopes in, and was dependent upon, and he had so many clients that he was seeing us all back-to-back all the time. How could he possibly keep us all straight? It's great when they do, it's just up to us to gently remind them when they forget.

The shoe is reversed a little now since my TBI. I forget a lot of crucial stuff, and one T has to remind me a lot about very important things that we've been working on. I feel awful about forgetting, but she is so forgiving, understanding, patient, kind and gentle with me about it all that it is truly healing, comforting and I want to emulate her.

 

[scout86]

I dont recall ever covering this in our sessions. .."

That comment is out of context, of course, but it's not exactly the same as...

HOW do you forget that your client was molested as a child?

She has hurt me and failed me. Yes, therapists are human and make mistakes but forgetting this seems unforgivable and unacceptable.

It might SEEM that way, but IS it?

I guess I need to throw in a disclaimer. My T has been telling me recently that I tend to "cut people a lot of slack". And I'm starting to wonder if what he means is that sometimes I cut them TOO MUCH slack. But, it seems to be you're setting a pretty high bar here. And maybe what your T means is that you covered things in much more detail in writing than you have in sessions?

I've had a few episodes with my T where I was hurt, angry, scared.... etc. I've had a bunch of times when I thought about quitting. (Usually because of me, not him, but if the reason WAS him, I stopped to ask myself whether or not the over all process was helpful, in spite of the fact that he's a mere mortal and occasionally does stuff that seems like a mistake. (So far, the answer to that has been "yes, the pluses outweigh the minuses".)

and not to look for me at my appointment next week.

How would you like her to respond to that?

 

[watundah]

I do see both options - go back or say the hell with it. I sure as heck wouldn't want to be a therapist and under pressure to say the right thing 100% of the time. However. I believe what is hard for me is the fact that simply opening up and sharing that fact was so difficult for me. Then to have that forgotten somehow makes it come across as unimportant and insignificant. I think someone who touts themself as a trauma expert should remember clients' traumas, don't you?

I don't know how I would like her to respond. I anticipate an apology of some sort and invitation to work it out. Now it all feels like Ive lost huge trust and very awkward.

 

[watundah]

@Biz, not too subtle. I told her how my father used to hike with me into the woods and do inappropriate things. Then I wrote about it. And about another man. I know I can run on the subtle side but not this time.

 

[Ocean5]

@watundah I was seeing a psychiatrist that also did therapy every 3 weeks for 30-45 minutes. She did help me in some ways, but she couldn't remember things. She'd just read from her notes - even basic diagnoses. (Do you really need to read your notes after 9 months that I have PTSD, and anxiety disorder? Someone suggested she had alzheimers. But I went to her because she was older, and wanted someone experienced. See "poor notes" below....my last visit.

keeping poor notes

Uh, her notes were so bad. She didn't even have accurate notes on medicines she had me on. She had increased Klonopin by 300% - yet it wasn't in notes she read to me. Nor accurate how long she had me on it. Then I read my refill bottle after last visit. It still had instructions to take the smaller dose nightly. Left me thinking - WTF. Never went back.

 

[Biz]

@watundah, that sucks. I'm sorry.

 

[watundah]

We had a few email exchanges and I do feel better that I got to voice my feelings of insignificance and I emphasized the scenarios that I had previously mentioned that she had "marginalized". She always sounds so composed. I think I will go back and see what we can stir up next. I do appreciate everyone's kind encouragement.