Urge To Cut

[Lola Nocheprieta]

We're here. You are not alone. You deserve love and care.

Can you write out your list of reasons for not cutting?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Right now I and a good part of this week, I have been doing two things that work for me somewhat, one is distract, often that is with music, the other is visiting my safe place in my mind. If the first does not work, I use the second.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

We're here. You are not alone. You deserve love and care.

Can you write out your list of reas...

I sort of did that in this thread.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Yes, you certainly did. Would re-reading this thread help?

What music are you listening to?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

How are you doing, @recoveringfromptsd? Thinking a lot about you!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Lola Nocheprieta The good thing about my evening meds (Lithium, Seroquel, Naltrexone) is the Seroquel kicks in an hour later, and makes me sleepy, so I think I shutdown about 10 or so last night.

I see my abuse T today at 4, and as my regular T suggested am going to ask her to spread the appointments out more. I don't think its going to change anything other that I might get a one week break between sessions where my mind is not processing, that is not guaranteed to happen, and I don't think it will happen that way, I think it will just drag things out more and do more harm than good. But that's what my T wants.

I have DBT tomorrow.

I have PRN's available, I suspect I am going to need them.

as far as how am I doing, about the same, stuck between trauma and the present, and can't seem to turn it off unless I distract.

I understand why this is happening, I have never gotten this deep in therapy about my abuse, so it's like taking something you buried never to be seem again and dug it up and put it right in front where it can't be missed or ignore or suppressed. Fact is I have never let anyone in on my abuse except for a glimpse in 1990's.

I do have thoughts at times that all this effort is not worth it and consider S, but I also know that's my pain talking, and those values and beliefs I am trying to change. I have always had those thoughts when things were tough. I also know my T's know I have them, and expect me to have them, but keep them in check by using my skills to cope.

It's kind of hard for me to hide S/I when it starts and stays with me, luckily I am not in that state of being at the moment, they know what to look for as indications are concerned. If I start thinking that way I suspect I will end up in the hospital.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I feeling like screaming, my abuse counselor just called said she had some family issues come up, and wanted to reschedule my 4pm appointment today. So now I won't see her until Wednesday.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I'm so sorry you can't see your abuse counselor today! Damn, that sucks. That's hard when I know you've been waiting and holding on. :(

More distraction on the menu. I'm glad you have meds that can get you through the night.

It's really hard to start taking a close look at the trauma. The details. It's so unbearably painful to deal with, and to talk about with another person. But it works.

My T says something similar, that she knows I will have these urges, but she expects me to "use my skills" to keep them in check. But she does empathize that it's f*cking painful.

Are you doing DBT-PE? My T is getting trained in the DBT + DBT-PE protocol in April, and then we are going to do another round of PE. I'm nervous because, as you know, it means dredging up things you've never, ever shared with another living soul. It's so painful it's blinding.

I hope everything goes okay with your process, and that you can get the support you need when you need it. Can you reach out to your other T for some phone support?

Much support to you, @recoveringfromptsd. Stay as safe as you can. Very gentle, one-armed hug if you accept them. :hug:s

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

The distraction helps me get thru it, the pros and cons helps me not do it.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Good skills use!

Distraction helps me not do it, and the TIPP skills and other distress tolerance skills helps me wait it out, or surf the urge.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Todays DBT group was challenging, some stuff came up that was triggering, It got to the point I was having trouble staying present, staff had to get me an ICE pack to hold to keep be grounded.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't know if I am going to be able to continue DBT, just found out today that my insurance is disallowing 100% of the claims for my DBT sessions, it may be they need to get approval first. If they are not going to pay for it, and under medicare rules they can't bill me for the disallowed claims, they may not let me continue with the DBT. I suspect its going to take some time for them to sort this out.