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Using a diary for EMDR therapy

8-28-19
Feeling some sadness today. Not tearful but I can tell the need to cry is not buried as deep as it used to be. It’s much more right under the surface.
 
Yesterday’s session was all about emotions. Emotions and blocking them. I can tell they are so close and something in my brain is moving around for sure. But I just couldn’t get past the fear of feeling for the first time. I didn’t feel any grief or sadness but I felt a ton of fear that it will hurt if I do so I was definitely not numb. We talked a lot about it being the first time I’ve ever grieved and that I am doing it without the safety net of dissociation because of the Naltrexone so of course it’s going to be super scary. So the goal is to give me more ways to feel confident that I can handle the emotions when they come. She said we will use the dissociation in a positive way since I am so skilled at that. I’m curious to find out what that will look like. September 12th she is flying to California for an EMDR conference and the topic is working with dissociation so I’m getting really excited to see what she learns.
 
So...yesterday I had tears in my eyes twice. I wouldn’t say that I actually cried but I was surprised that I did have tears. It’s so strange because I know that’s the goal, yet I feel so much shame about it. I’m probably going to have to write it down to share it with my t.
 
EMDR shifted today and I was kinda relieved. We started out with an image about my grandfather but by the end we were focusing on being angry at my mother for letting it all happen. I don't really ever think about the stuff she did to me. I guess it's easier to pretend it didn't happen. But my head got loud today, the parts were talking about her pulling their hair. I realized at some point today that I was nothing more than a punching bag to her. That has been a little hard to swallow. I guess the CSA is a little easier for me to comprehend than that my own mother would hate me and beat me every day. Anyway, it feels like we are making good progress. I didn't want to go today, but I'm glad I pushed through and got myself there.

She said she was going to send my doctor an update and let her know how well I am doing on the Naltrexone. We are in agreement that it's been a miracle drug for me. As far as I know, I haven't dissociated at all since about the second day I was on it, and I'm functioning better between sessions.

Something new did come up during EMDR. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breath. I had an image of my grandfather putting his mouth on mine, and I absolutely couldn't breath both in the past and a little in the therapy office. I did not have any awareness that he ever did that. This is the second thing that has come up that I was unaware of its happening. ?‍♀️
 
This is the second thing that has come up that I was unaware of its happening. ?‍♀️
yep -- this is pretty common I think. I know it happens to me all the time. It's not as upsetting now because I understand what is happening but I still hate it.
 
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