Using a diary for EMDR therapy

[Sharon7788]

I'm glad that works so well for you. I tried burying my stuff in a deep hole. But my brain likes to drag everything up anyway between sessions. Thankfully, my coping skills are good. Do you have safe places, too?

I’m glad you have good coping skills. I’m still working on that. I need to build some functioning skills for in between sessions. I waste a lot of time just sitting on my porch rocking. It’s nice for a time but it turns into hours a day as a way to escape how I feel.
I don’t really have safe places per say. We tried that but I couldn’t imagine anything so I use a rock instead to ground me to the present and to a calm, safe feeling. It gives me something tangible to focus on so it helps. My mind has connected controlling my breathing with feeling the smoothness of the rock so it’s helpful for grounding. I wanted a beautiful waterfall with fairies waiting on me for my safe place but my mind said nope! You get a rock. Ha! Maybe after we finally get through this first memory we can try again to create that safe place. Do you have safe places? How does that work for you?

 

[Wendell_R]

I tried for many years to make a safe place, but my fears of being hit would just go right through the walls. I eventually succeeded when I started keeping a journal with a lot of pictures in it.

Little Wendell has a safe room. Originally, just like the train platform in Harry Potter, there was a secret door that only a few people could see. Inside, he was able to decorate the room the way he liked by pasting pictures of what he wanted. We also wrote down who was allowed in.

All my parts have another safe place--riding on a streetcar. We pasted pictures of streetcar interiors in my book. After I came up with the idea of a streetcar, I remembered riding the streetcars in San Francisco around 1970 when visiting my grandparents. The interiors are fairly enclosed, but I can still see out all the windows, and that feels safe.

Grounding exercises to pull me back to the present were also really, really important for me. I carried a rock in my pocket for a while, so I can relate to that!

Nowadays, I don't need the safe places or grounding so much. My parts still have conflict to resolve, but it's usually only one part that is upset or feeling the past, and the other parts help with the conflict.

 

[Sharon7788]

I tried for many years to make a safe place, but my fears of being hit would just go right through the walls. I eventually succeeded when I started keeping a journal with a lot of pictures in it.

Little Wendell has a safe room. Originally, just like the train platform in Harry Potter, there was a secret door that only a few people could see. Inside, he was able to decorate the room the way he liked by pasting pictures of what he wanted. We also wrote down who was allowed in.

All my parts have another safe place--riding on a streetcar. We pasted pictures of streetcar interiors in my book. After I came up with the idea of a streetcar, I remembered riding the streetcars in San Francisco around 1970 when visiting my grandparents. The interiors are fairly enclosed, but I can still see out all the windows, and that feels safe.

Grounding exercises to pull me back to the present were also really, really important for me. I carried a rock in my pocket for a while, so I can relate to that!

Nowadays, I don't need the safe places or grounding so much. My parts still have conflict to resolve, but it's usually only one part that is upset or feeling the past, and the other parts help with the conflict.

I love this. Thank you for sharing! It’s encouraging to know things can get better and the parts be able to help.

 

[Freida]

I put him in my container and dropped him in the ocean until next week.

Yes! I have a treasure chest with chains wrapped around it with lock and key and we sink it the bottom of the ocean then at the start of next session we haul it up with a crane.

Ya... I'm gonna have to steal this :laugh: it is fabulous!!!!

We tried that but I couldn’t imagine anything so I use a rock instead to ground me to the present and to a calm, safe feeling.

I use an elephant key chain when I'm at ts, and I have elephant crap placed around the house to remind me where I am. Works pretty well

 

[Sharon7788]

Ya... I'm gonna have to steal this :laugh: it is fabulous!!!!

I use an elephant key chain when I'm at ts, and I have elephant crap placed around the house to remind me where I am. Works pretty well

Ok, I’m totally following you now but I had to read that 3 times lol! At first I thought how does she get that and doesn’t it stink! Haha my brain is mush after EMDR. I actually really like your way too. I might try something similar!

 

[Sharon7788]

All I can think about is “he hurt me” “he did that to me” “nobody helped me”. I can’t get those phrases to stop looping in my head. I’ve never been that child. It’s always been about my parts. It’s never been me before. I feel so broken that this revelation evokes no emotions in me. Not that I want to feel bad, but it feels like it’s slowing me down to continue to be numb. I guess my mind is still fighting to hold on to my safety net of denial. The hurry up and wait between sessions is almost as hard as the sessions for me. I struggle with feeling like I must work on healing from trauma 24/7. I can’t get on board with my logical brain that says down time and having fun are also healing.

 

[Sharon7788]

My online university classes start Monday so I’m able to preview them on blackboard. One is a 300 level Bible class on Romans and the other is a 400 level Theology class so I should enjoy them. Looks like a lot of research and writing but that is my strength so I should be fine. It’s my first 400 level class so I hope I can maintain my A average. It’s super important to me because I went to vocational rehab when I started school because they have funding for people on disability to go to school. I had already graduated from the local community college with honors but that didn’t matter. They put me in a tiny room with no windows, closed the door and expected me to be able to function with a male giving me a test. Of course I was dissociative!! So basically they tested me and then said “we cannot sponsor you because you are not smart enough.” I was so mad!! I told them that their decision would not stop me from going to school and walked out. I’m 4 classes away from graduation and I have a 3.64 GPA. I’m trying really hard to graduate with honors so that I can send them a letter with my GPA and explain that they were very unfair to have a male test a known CSA survivor with PTSD and DID. I get upset about this all over again at the start of every new class. How dare they be so rude as to say I’m not smart enough. Vocational Rehab should be a safe place to go for help but for me it was not. They were not trauma sensitive at all even after talking to my therapist. Rant over ?‍

 

[Wendell_R]

I struggle with feeling like I must work on healing from trauma 24/7.

Yup! I've had this, too. When you're in the middle of something big and want to get to the other side, it makes a lot of sense. Your numbness may not be denial so much as your brain's way of slowing you down.

 

[Freida]

Yup! I've had this, too. When you're in the middle of something big and want to get to the other side, it makes a lot of sense. Your numbness may not be denial so much as your brain's way of slowing you down.

Yep!

 

[Sharon7788]

I’m going to help a friend clean and organize her house today. This wasn’t possible before I started taking Neltrexone. It’s been a miracle drug for me! I’m not looking forward to it much but I’m glad I’m capable today of leaving my house and being productive. Being on disability leaves a lot of time for isolating. Hopefully this is the beginning of a weekly house cleaning job for me if I can keep up with it. And as a bonus, she’s giving me a bunch of clothes and cooking us supper ?

 

[Sharon7788]

I. Am. So. Tired. Ok, so maybe my friend has some hoarding tendencies. But she also has sensory issues and because of that she gave me about 10 trash bags full of practically new clothes that she wore once or twice then decided they bothered her too much. Same with shoes, I came home with 3 trash bags of shoes!! I’m very thankful because with being on disability there really isn’t money in my budget to buy myself nice things. Maybe with starting EMDR and a whole new wardrobe, I can reinvent a better version of myself. That would be nice. These are really nice clothes, not the kind I normally wear to insure I’m invisible.

 

[Sharon7788]

8-19-19
Up at 4:30 am after a terrible dream. My mind is apparently still processing trauma from my session on Thursday. I dreamed that my daughter was about 6 or 7 years old and was staying with her dad in a huge building that was dirty and people rented rooms but there was no doors and multiple people living in each room. I had a tea with me when I went to visit her and she said “can I have some tea? You have no idea how hard that is to get here.” Then she came and sat on my lap and whispered “mommy do you want to cry?” And I did because I needed her to come home where she was safe but I only answered “sometimes”. Then she said “mommy you don’t want to cry, you can’t cry. I need to stay here and take care of daddy so he won’t be sad.” Her face and actions were begging for me to rescue her but she felt too obligated to stay and comfort her dad so she was acting tough and determined to do her “job”. It was exactly how I felt when I was sent to stay a week with my grandfather when his wife died. He walked around the house naked the whole week and abused me every night but I was so guilt ridden that it was my job to make him feel better that I couldn’t tell anyone I wanted to leave. I was so relieved when I finally went home even though home was it’s own kind of daily abuse. I’ve been having a lot of childhood related dreams since starting EMDR. I’m fortunate that I can take a nap later today, but I couldn’t risk going back to sleep after a dream like that. I had to get some fresh air and remind myself that it was only a dream. Trauma processing sucks!