I spent the whole week laying in bed thinking, wheezing, sleeping, spinning out of control.
Since early December I have struggled and mostly not taken oral medications due to flashbacks and triggers that impact my eating and having anything cover my face or enter my mouth. I have been unable to manage my response this time and I feel like I have lost control.
I layed there this week thinking about the medical consequences of the lack of medications and the reality of its impact on my physical body. For three weeks I have thought my head would explode. The migraine was so bad at times I could feel the blood rushing from the base of my neck through the right side of my brain. Four times this week my blood pressure was higher than 200/100. The highest reading today maxed at 208/103. Not one medical professional suggested going to the ER? Tonight online I found on the American Heart Association Website that anything over 200 is automatic crisis intervention? Who do you believe? I think I would have been relieved to be in the hospital for 2 days to have someone take control and bring it back to normal so I had a place to start. NOPE.
As you lay alone and sick so many thoughts go through your mind. No one called. No one 'cared'? (poor assumption but easy to believe). I thought if I croaked they would find me bloated and stinking several days later for the amount of contact I seem to have with the outside world. Pretty sad really, but true. But not just me, any single person who lives alone really.
So now back to the med thing, NOT GOOD. OK, we are clear about the hypertensive drugs at this point. NOW, anti-depressants. No amount in my system, substantial baseline since Dec. Oh, boy, the thoughts I had when feeling sick, lonely, helpless, and vulnerable. Not a good place to be. I had no fight left in me to even bother. My personal assessment of my quality of life was in the negative column. I could have stayed glued to that mattress or recliner forever.
Sometimes we have to rely on our training, therapy, boot camp, intuition, whatever, to just mechanically do what is necessary above what our brain tells us no matter how loud it shouts in our face. I argued in my head for atleast 10 hours whether to drag myself to work or continue laying in a heap through the week-end. I some how knew delaying any further would be cataclysmic. I took the shower to remove the four day crud. Drank some liquids and had white rice (total comfort food). Actually went out and sat in the car in the driveway for fresh air. Took another 3hr nap. Ate soup and committed myself to work the next day finally the decision was made.
Although I didn't last at work for more than 2 1/2 hours the impact on me was enough to recognize the world would miss me, and did miss me. I paid dearly with another Dr. visit but this time with a mindset of what do I do to fix this rather than the victim of how do I stop this from happening to me.
I recognize a good part of the whole situation lays on my shoulders for poor decisions for many weeks which were or were not manageable. But ultimately it is up to me to take the actions necessary to make the changes. Only I can pick my butt up off the chair or bed to place my feet under me.
I will say though, through some of the toughest times this week my training to ground and distract with visualization was worth its weight in gold. Recently I have begun to rewrite some of my nightmare endings in therapy. Ironically, one critical nightmare/flashback re-write was key in me successfully getting through this week and it's health issues and I have to admit may be part of the reason for the turn around breaking this cycle since December.
Cindy
Since early December I have struggled and mostly not taken oral medications due to flashbacks and triggers that impact my eating and having anything cover my face or enter my mouth. I have been unable to manage my response this time and I feel like I have lost control.
I layed there this week thinking about the medical consequences of the lack of medications and the reality of its impact on my physical body. For three weeks I have thought my head would explode. The migraine was so bad at times I could feel the blood rushing from the base of my neck through the right side of my brain. Four times this week my blood pressure was higher than 200/100. The highest reading today maxed at 208/103. Not one medical professional suggested going to the ER? Tonight online I found on the American Heart Association Website that anything over 200 is automatic crisis intervention? Who do you believe? I think I would have been relieved to be in the hospital for 2 days to have someone take control and bring it back to normal so I had a place to start. NOPE.
As you lay alone and sick so many thoughts go through your mind. No one called. No one 'cared'? (poor assumption but easy to believe). I thought if I croaked they would find me bloated and stinking several days later for the amount of contact I seem to have with the outside world. Pretty sad really, but true. But not just me, any single person who lives alone really.
So now back to the med thing, NOT GOOD. OK, we are clear about the hypertensive drugs at this point. NOW, anti-depressants. No amount in my system, substantial baseline since Dec. Oh, boy, the thoughts I had when feeling sick, lonely, helpless, and vulnerable. Not a good place to be. I had no fight left in me to even bother. My personal assessment of my quality of life was in the negative column. I could have stayed glued to that mattress or recliner forever.
Sometimes we have to rely on our training, therapy, boot camp, intuition, whatever, to just mechanically do what is necessary above what our brain tells us no matter how loud it shouts in our face. I argued in my head for atleast 10 hours whether to drag myself to work or continue laying in a heap through the week-end. I some how knew delaying any further would be cataclysmic. I took the shower to remove the four day crud. Drank some liquids and had white rice (total comfort food). Actually went out and sat in the car in the driveway for fresh air. Took another 3hr nap. Ate soup and committed myself to work the next day finally the decision was made.
Although I didn't last at work for more than 2 1/2 hours the impact on me was enough to recognize the world would miss me, and did miss me. I paid dearly with another Dr. visit but this time with a mindset of what do I do to fix this rather than the victim of how do I stop this from happening to me.
I recognize a good part of the whole situation lays on my shoulders for poor decisions for many weeks which were or were not manageable. But ultimately it is up to me to take the actions necessary to make the changes. Only I can pick my butt up off the chair or bed to place my feet under me.
I will say though, through some of the toughest times this week my training to ground and distract with visualization was worth its weight in gold. Recently I have begun to rewrite some of my nightmare endings in therapy. Ironically, one critical nightmare/flashback re-write was key in me successfully getting through this week and it's health issues and I have to admit may be part of the reason for the turn around breaking this cycle since December.
Cindy
