Veiled's Mental Imagery

[Deleted member 93]

Questions to ask yourself:

* What will be solved by wanting to return to a happier childhood time? Nothing would be solved by returning to this time. But the letter I wrote to my parents does try to force them to acknowlege at least the pain and treatment from this time period. So I guess that could be viewed as such... returning. So I guess yes, I want to return to this phase of my life and address it. But not return to a happier childhood as that is just gone. But I need them to acknowledge it if they want to try to heal with me. If they choose not to then I need to be given the freedom to cut my ties and move forward alone.

* What is causing your secret anger, hidden anger? Likely to do with a male figure, sexual aspect. It does not feel like a "secret", and besides an innapprotriate comment in my 20's nothing sexual comes out. But my state of mind and my feelings were not allowed to show through. I am still trying to accept I was abused. I know on the surface and looking at my sister I know it was abuse, but being taught this was normal it is hard to unlearn it personally. A lot of anger where my mom always insisted I call him dad, daddy, or pop... Just not by his name. He was supposed to be a replacement of my dad and accept as such, it was very uncomfortable for him to want to hug and kiss me like my dad, sit in his lap; he wasn't him, he was just a new man my mom had brought home. This was a twisted grown up version of "playing house". At the same time this man was allowed to beat us senseless as he had this ideal family in mind and we had to conform to what you see in pictures. It just made no sense. For a kid about 8 or 9 it was just all out of wack. I know and get the anger as I cleaned yesterday, ever other word with this burst of energy was mother f*er or God dammit.

Maybe the sexual aspect comes from the abuse of bro swept under the rug, which is not a secret, I just don't remember most of it. I cannot get the whole picture and they know it so that might be it. I am angry they will not tell me all that happened to me "just you are better for not being able to remember" but my sis is like that too.

* How do you feel lied or decieved by this male figure? Lied or deceived... does not really seem to come out maybe from the last of above. Mom taken away from me yes, her own points of view gone (though her own were not good but at least hers) they could not get my sister and I moved out fast enough, I at 15 and my sister at 16 moved in with me. He is an asshole and he has never hidden that but in his head the way we were treated was standard and the norm.

I am getting to a point now, as when I wrote my road I was very emotionally charged, that they have had this letter for 48 hours and had read it 48 hours ago... but no response ( I could track it through AOL). I am going to have to make a choice I do not want to. But at the same time I think I would feel better if they just told me get lost, just say SOMETHING. I think it would be easier to heal without them. There is not the strong connection I see other people have with family so it would be a bittersweet ending. Shit is just getting old.

 

[anthony]

Veiled, before the glass wall there is another obstacle, what is it and please describe it?

 

[Deleted member 93]

I did not think about it just what popped in my head immeadiately if I go back and look at myself in front of the wall, I look down and there is a bottomless pit... Like a canyon... Stretching out to my left and right. Did not rewalk the trail. But to throw it at you I also am going to type what I saw extra. The glass or barrier looks frosted. Like a window does on the edges when it is cold out...

 

[anthony]

Ok veiled... you feel as though you have fallen into something, a life problem perhaps, that it has taken you by surprise even, likely unaware, but you feel you have certainly fallen into unknown territory to say the least.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I wrote that following my send off letter to the parents. You know I cut my mom and step off and out of my life and told them as much. Never a word back at all so that would surprise me they did not try to verbally rip my throat out. I was still awake from sending them that letter when I responded.

Not having my mother in my life and now both parents cut out is very unknown territory, even if every time I spoke with her it was usually rude or condesending. Won't BS and say it does not hurt, but I also feel better for it at this point and I see I now truly am on my own as far as my family. I am making major changes adjusting to my move from Texas and all I know and then cut off mom. But they are wise changes for me to help me. I already feel better and it has been brief.

On one hand the letter was a waste of typing but on the other it felt so good to get it off my chest and unload it back on to them. This is their problem not mine. OK, I get the after effects like PTSD (fun). But letting them go was like ripping off a band aide, it hurt. But I do not need it. I do not need how many years they have left used to needle me. I am pleased with the choice I made.

I was shocked today hubs had told his dad about the letters (he had asked how I was and I had been sick from the letters) and that they have not responded. I was more shocked he said it hurt his dad. He said it was weird, you could see he was shook up for me and looked pained. So if someone who barely knows me feels the pain and it isn't hitting me that hard it was obviously something I did right.

I have a good support system here. I think I am going into some very uncharted waters for myself. But this is calm and collected, the storm is what I just closed the door on.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I have avoided this to try to make sure others I have read do not taint mine and not over work you, Anthony... Has taken a while not peeking and well, I feel pretty fried so figured to go ahead


This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing whatis far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

Q1. What colour is the road? I am seeing dark greens, sages, with a little yellow, and a bit of maroon swirled now
Q2. What texture is the road? Slick but not slippery. Like rubber. Put mushy, it is like a water bed sinking under me. Water bed is accurate.
Q3. How solid is the road? It is solid but gives all over, it is not as it looks.
You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

Q4. How do you cross the river? Very narrow rope bridge. Like I am walking rope walking with handles
Q5. What does the water look like? Barely there, clear
Q6. How fast is the water current? trickling like a slow stream
Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what?rocks, the water is so shallow all I see is water washing around river rocks

You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

Q8. What colour is the house? My house changes, I came across a wood home that is white.
Q9. What condition is the house in? Not good. I see wood planks falling and broken, screens torn, no glass in the windows.
Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who?Long abandoned

We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

Q11. What colour is the cup? blue, it is thick
Q12. What condition is the cup in? good
Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what?nothing

You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail?a forest
Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle?
the trees are too solid and together to see around or through

 

[Deleted member 93]

Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.

I am looking but I just don't feel there. I think why I did it now. I really feel like I have no clue. Will do my best but again I am having a bad day.

The colors of the road, the deep red and greens are colors I use in my furniture and rugs... It is a comforting color scheme.

Why is everyting so mushy and gives? Hell if I know. I feel unsteady right now, I want steady.

The bridge still takes me to a place I do not want to go. No matter the bridge I would be happy to just stop and watch the river go by. I feel unbalanced on it

I am unsure where the water went but I still do not want in. It is so shallow but so scary. I will lose my balance or something. Unsure of self?

It is clear but and looks safe. Maybe life? It is getting more safe but I still have a trust thing working?

Rocks still look slick, because that is what I expect to see in a river bottom? Something still afraid to step on?

I have no damn clue why my house changed. Tired? White paint peeling, planks broken and falling... I am at a loss. I am overly stressed and feel lost and off my "path" I have tried to stay on. Just too much now.

My cup feels sturdy in my hands. It is clean and new looking. Nothing inside. It seems weird but it is my favorite color, just a desire for something I want?

My forest just closes in ... I cannot see as it just engulfs me. Too many trees

 

[anthony]

I am leaving this one, as you have your trial with Dr. Roerich, and that will reveal much more.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Probably best as I still feel a bit scattered... No telling what I may pop up with at this point... woke sick as a dog this AM from this damn stress level rising.