Vent About Last Appt. With My Psych.

[Phenioxrising]

I'm not ofically diagnosed with DID, but my symptoms fit more so with DID, than schitz.

I've only started my symptoms about 2 years ago, but before anyone says this doesn't happen in adults. It does, rarely. If the childhood trauma was stressfull enough and you were put into a situation of high enough stress to trigger the onset of DID.

I take care of my dad at home, pay bills, and take care of the house. While in therapy for my disorder.
I recently mentioned to my psych. that I wanted to have artificial insemination to have a child. She stated/ asked if I was taking care of myself. WTF, this never came up before, I know her concern is valid. But she could have voiced this before if that was the concern.

When I stated that if I come under too much stress, I would take the baby to a friend's, for a break and to get out a bit; she asked if the friend would live with me. ....In no way would I have seen that coming, I'm very functional and besides being threatened am not triggered by much.

In my situation The men I've had relationships with weren't understanding of my position as care giver to my dad. As well as from past abuse I have a difficult time allowing myself to get close to them and fully trust them.

So, I decided that Mr. right will come in time, But at 32 I am capable of takeing care and nurturing the child, I'm deciding to have. The child will be loved and well provided for, as well as I have helped a friends daycare with twins she has in her daycare.

My father and my friend as well are happy with my decision to have a child, and don't doubt me being a capable mother. I was just severly thrown back by my psych's. comment and needed to vent. Cause if that was a concern, why wait to voice it, only when I decided to have a child. She's supposed to be treating my symptoms and providing me therapy, not just when theirs concern of hers, if I'm capable of providing safety and proper care of the child. That will be my priority to provide for the child as well as myself now, and in the future.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been a care giver too for three years for my husband who had severe dementia alone without support except from the people here who got me through so many rough spots.

I commend you for your high self esteem and planning on having a baby. Good for you. I wasted so many years of my life dwelling on negative stuff and I do not do that anymore.

I think your planning to have a baby is a miracle you are giving to yourself.

I am sad your therapist was out of line but it happens. I think you could call her on it. She is not in control of your life and you need support and kudos to you for taking care of your dad and doing such a wonderful thing right now instead of wasting years like I did.

You need to be validated and cared for. I am so happy for you planning on having a baby and doing such a wonderful thing.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Thank you, It seems to me that my venting in T just leaves me feeling stuck and defeated. They may medicate me, but they don't really know me well enough. I e-mailed her as well as sent an e-mail to her boss for her comment. That they could do more in actually diagnosing me and working on a set therapy goal. Instead of wanting to push more meds on me to cover up my symptoms.

I want to work on talking about my triggers for my alter and the connections/ triggers he pulls from my past. I've always dreamed of being a mother, but have some issues with men. I'll work on that, but don't want to wait till I'm in my 40's to fulfill the need for a child. Thank you for your comment. :)

 

[mytai]

I don't feel like the comment was out of line. Your psych doctor was probably just trying to make sure that you had thought this decision through to its entirety. What happens if you are overwhelmed, what plan do you have in place for that situation? Are you going to have help living with you or is it all outside support? They seem like valid questions to me given your decision. Your psych doctor doesn't live with you so they don't know what your day to day living is like. To me it just sounds like they were trying to make sure you are thinking through what support systems you have in place. My T will often ask questions about if I'm taking care of myself when I mention taking on additional responsibilities. From my point of view it's very responsible of your psych doctor to ask these questions to make you think about any possible situations that may arise and how you plan on handling it.

This is just my perspective on the questions asked.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You can't let your want of something over ride a rational, healthy decision. You started this thread talking about how you think you may have DID and you don't think you have schizophrenia which makes me think you aren't getting help for either one.

Your doctor's concern is very valid in my point of view. She was just trying to make sure that you know what you are doing and that you have some support and help if you need it. Therapist and psychiatrists often check facts.

You are 32. I think you should give some time to get more mentally healthy before you have children.

Edited to add: This is from another thread I remember, I thought you have DID:

DID is the official Dx.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like her comment made you feel like she only cared about your self care if you were going to have a baby? is that right? If I felt that way, I would be upset too.

I take care of my dad at home, pay bills, and take care of the house. While in therapy for my disorder. I recently mentioned to my psych. that I wanted to have artificial insemination to have a child. She stated/ asked if I was taking care of myself. WTF, this never came up before, I know her concern is valid. But she could have voiced this before if that was the concern.

Usually if someone is trying to get pregnant, it's good for them to take certain vitamins and etc. and to really go above and beyond normal every day self care. Maybe she didn't ask before because she thought you were doing well with ordinary every day self care, and now she was just checking to see how it was going with that, since being pregnant involves an even higher level of self care. Maybe she was focused on more important things in the past. Adult bodies that are not carrying babies can endure less self care without as much risk. Maybe she was focused on other priorities.

In the end, only she can say and I hope you talk with her about how her comment upset you. It could lead to some important therapy work.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Yes, she was concerned, telling me about needs of eati.g more healthy. As well as safty. I do understand the concern but still found it that she should have put it a different way.
I'm geting therapy and they say not to worry about the dx. But have been pushing them to dx. me so I can get more appropriate T. She didn't express concern, but as well had to go off meds, and take just buspar for anxiety, as well as remeron. For safty against birth defects.

 

[NovemberStar]

I really really REALLY think the most selfless thing for a baby is to become whole yourself FIRST. To be very very stable BEFORE you even consider having a baby.

What I find quite disturbing is your response to her question of 'how well do you look after yourself' in that you seem shocked such a question was asked - SERIOUSLY??? You never ever considered that basic fundamental question or see it as being imperative to the discussion????

How COULD you look after another highly depended / incredibly demanding and selfish and self centred little human being if you cannot look after yourself in EVERY way possible??? Yes you care for your ailing father but a BABY is NOTHING like that. Nothing.

I work in a field closely related to obstetrics. I am responsible for providing care to pregnant women and their families as well as up to several weeks after the baby is born. I visit brand new mums and dads at their homes and I see first hand the HUGE, and MASSIVE stress one tiny little human being brings to even the most well adjusted so called 'normal' parents. I am in their lives for 10 months of a year - I get to really know the parents and their families. And I've worked with hundreds of families in the past 10 years - so although I do not have my own children , I DO have the experiences of seeing the process a hell of a lot more times than the average mum or dad gets to with just their kids. And I've seen all sorts of families go through it - from the very young (16), to the very seasoned (large family final baby aged mid forties).

I've worked with single mums on the benefit, mums who are very mentally unwell (including one suspected of Munchausens by proxy resulting in her baby being stillborn near due date), police officers', nurses', soldiers, clinical psychologists, prison guards, teachers, early child are educators, midwives, doctors, drug addicts, alcoholics', broken families with suspected domestic violence -Just about every kind of person from every walk of life and no one has 'all the answers' when it comes to having their own babies.

Nor is anyone is immune to postnatal depression or even psychosis.

It is possible to raise a baby being single - but ask any single mum if it's a walk in the park and you will be told NO FREAKING WAY. Very few would do it over being single. Hell - a lot of parents in committed relationships struggle - having a baby is a HUGE stress onto a relationships -but being single raising a baby is something else altogether stress wise.

A baby is incredibly SELFISH. DEMANDING, and is a full time job, plus some (for two parents sharing the tasks). A baby will not say "' I love You' (and mean it) until they are nearly 3. But they will tell you how much they HATE you.

Babies are all ME ME ME!!! And NOW NOW NOW. It really is not an exaggeration that some days as a new mother you will not make it to the shower, or get to eat.

Think back to the last day you had where you were on edge&, really shuffling with your PTSD / DID. Think about how awful you fel; how'd you'd give ANYTHING to just have FIVE MINUTES BREAK AND PEACE. And how it felt when you couldn't get that peace&; couldn't get what YOU NEEDED - not too I similar to having a newborn baby and young child - you can never put yourself first - everything you do or plan to do is dictated by your baby's demands and needs.

And you can't negotiate deals where you take turns with the baby as to whose needs can be met first either.

Add in pregnancy hormones, sleep deprivation (it is NOT exaggerated about - seriously).

Sleep deprivation is used in war as a form of TORTURE - you can literally go insane from lack of sleep. A baby is not a robot - it does not wake up on the clock, feed and go back to sleep.

Struggling with a mental (or physical) illness requires a lot of rest and sleep. None of our doctors would ever suggest we try this as an experiment: set your alarm for 2 hours after you go to bed. Get up, pace the hall for an hour, go back to bed, re set your alarm for another 2 hours time, and repeat this - every day and night for - let's just say TWO WEEKS.

(And that is probably more sleep than in reality because as I said, babies are not like clockwork - if they get &'wind' or unsettled you can be up for hours at a time, without sleep - and with no one to hand the baby to at 3am, then what?

Wanna guess how sane you'd feel???? (Not very - so don't actually try it). But with a baby of course - you can't take them back - and they don't sleep through the night for MONTHS and MONTHS (unless you are incredibly lucky but it is not common).

Added to that the crying. VERY LOUD CRYING. So while you're doing your sleep interception experiment, have a tape recording of a very very loud wailing. That you can't always turn off straight away. Have it blare out at completely random intervals - oh and use THAT as your ''alarm'' for your interrupted sleep deprivation experiment

There is nothing that makes a new mum feel more HELPLESS than not knowing why her baby is screaming and she doesn't know how to help him or her. It's not a matter of parenting ability - it's how babies ARE.

Then you have the stress of finances. Babies are hugely expensive. HUGELY. It's often quoted it will take an average of around $US 250,000 to raise a child to college - excluding college - just for the very basilica of food', clothing&, diapers, medical bills etc.

And when the baby gets sick? That's whole new level of fear and worry.

Then there is the isolation. Your old life disappears. Your friends either have their own kids (and therefore are really busy and can't see you much) OR your friends don't have babies or kids and they find you kinda boring now. You definitely don't get to "'go out'' and your idea of The Best Saturday Night Ever consists of getting baby into bed by "7pm and yourself in bed half an hour later and sleeping for a record of 4 consecutive hours'!!!

You also lose your identity - and for someone with DID / similar issues I cannot imagine that would be a good thing UNLESS you were FULLY INTEGRATED beforehand.

If you have unresolved abuse from childhood, having a child will almost certainly trigger you. You can no longer deny just how vulnerable, dependent and innocent little children are - it's a horrendously painful proverbial slap in the face / stab in the heart.

Many women think 'having a baby' will 'help' them get better because they will have 'someone to love them' - as I said above - a baby does NOT 'love"' you until it is close to 3 years old. Babies in their first year or two of life merely respond by in ant reflexes and impulses and smiles etc to ensure its OWN survival.

Seriously - and I do not say this to be cruel, but rather to hopefully give you a bit of a wake up call - from what you are describing where you are in your life right now - having a baby before you are COMPLETELY STABLE (for well over a year at least) would be the most selfish and irresponsible thing you could possible do.

It does not sound like it would be in YOUR best interests, and it definitely would NOT be in a baby's best interests right now either.

Ad ultimately - if your treatment team had concerns as to your wellness, child protective services would be notified and you could end up having baby taken off you in the even you got very unwell anyway.

Especially if you do have DID and keep switching alters -unless ALL your alters happened to be fully adjusted adults each individually capable of raising a baby??? :eek:

One final key test is this - right now, given where you are in your life in terms of the PTSD and all you have (or don't have) financially, would you just walk into a bank and get a mortgage and then commit to buying a house single handledly, and needing to be solely responsible for paying that mortgage for the next 30 years? And add into that, despite the stress of mortgage interest rates rises, uncertain economy, not necessarily sure of job security for the next 30 years, as well as house maintenance and needing to run your household REGARDLESS of if you get sick physically or mentally, how quick would you agree to and commit to that? Knowing it could NOT be undone (you can't seek a baby if things get too hard)???

Sadly, more people put more thought into considering buying a freaking car or a house than they do in having a baby :(

 

[digger]

I don't think it's unreasonable for your therapist to ask you those sorts of questions in regard to such a huge decision. Asking about your self care and stability, or perhaps more to the point making sure that you've really considered where you're at with these things, seems like a good therapist to me.

I'm not saying don't choose to have a child, but please think carefully about the support you have in place. Saying if you are stressed you can just drop the baby with a friend seems pretty naive planning to me. The friend doesn't have the same commitment to this child as you as the parent has. What if they're busy? What if they're having a shit day themselves? What if they move away, or get into a new relationship, or you fall out, or they're at work? People's circumstances change all the time. I think your therapist asking if this friend would be living with you is important in demonstrating that if they are not in a committed full time relationship with you, and aren't a parent of the child, or related to the child, then you need to really carefully look at how committed their relationship with the child will be. They might say now, yes I'll be there, but the reality of children is a whole lot different to the ideal.

What are your 100% honest reasons for wanting a child? This is something I think everyone considering becoming a parent needs to ask, I'm not singling you out. Is it because you are in a really stable and secure place in your life and you feel ready to give your all to a child, or is it because you are hoping to get some stability and security from having a child? Are you wanting a child to fill some void in your life.

Don't get me wrong, being a parent can be the most rewarding thing in the world, but it can also be the most stressful, heartbreaking, frustrating, exhausting etc etc

I'm saying all this as the parent of a sixteen year old. For fifteen of those years, I have been a single parent with little, and at many times, no, outside support. I wouldn't change that for the world, but if you think that dealing with stress is going to be as simple as dropping your kid off with someone else while you go and chill out....seriously....think again!

If you can't handle your therapist asking a few sensible questions about this, then I've really got to wonder, and I think you should too, how well you've really thought this through?

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you, It seems to me that my venting in T just leaves me feeling stuck and defeated. They may medicate me, but they don't really know me well enough. I e-mailed her as well as sent an e-mail to her boss for her comment. That they could do more in actually diagnosing me and working on a set therapy goal. Instead of wanting to push more meds on me to cover up my symptoms.

I want to work on talking about my triggers for my alter and the connections/ triggers he pulls from my past. I've always dreamed of being a mother, but have some issues with men. I'll work on that, but don't want to wait till I'm in my 40's to fulfill the need for a child. Thank you for your comment. :)

It seems clear that you are putting off the decision to have a kiddo right now.

This one question your therapist asked seems very reasonable in light of the huge task of raising a baby. I hope you can see that a little now...

Because I hope it helps you look past this one question they asked, and to really face the root of your frustration. Your frustration seems appropriate, but about a different issue than this one question - that your therapy is not working like you want it to.

If all they are doing is giving you meds and a place to vent, that's not therapy. That's just medication management. They should be working on coping skills and CBT work and etc.

You talk about them needing to set therapy goals - and it sounds like you have some therapy goals, so why not take the bull by the horns and practice being a good caretaker of yourself and telling them these are your therapy goals and asking them how to get there.

If they offer no assistance, don't keep just griping to them, ask for someone new who can give you a diagnosis. If you have been in therapy this long, and they are billing anyone for it, then I'm sure they have some diagnosis down, even one of adjustment disorder. Ask for your records, they may not give them, but it might help them see you are determined to get to the bottom of knowing what your diagnosis is and getting the proper treatment for it and you are not just going to keep just venting.

It may possible that have told you a diagnosis before, and you rejected it so much that they don't want to have that conversation with you now. However, as a therapy client you have rights to know what kind of treatment they are using and how they think it will help and what they think the diagnosis is.

And if they don't provide that, find someone new because it seems clear you are not getting appropriate help for whatever your diagnosis is.

It is possible you could have PTSD and schizophrenia. There are treatments for both and it involves much more than just venting in therapy. If you have schizophrenia, it would make it more important to treat the PTSD, not less important.

Don't wait around for them to set therapy goals. Be the self caring adult that you know you are and do all it takes to find someone who will give the proper assessment and help you need to get better and live the more full life you want to live.

 

[The Albatross]

I do understand the concern but still found it that she should have put it a different way.

If your tolerance level is low enough to not manage an adult to adult discussion, you aren't ready to accept the role as parent. 32 or not.

 

[nursenurse]

Children are a privilege, not a right.