Vent I Feel Terribly Alone

[Charon]

I hope I'm not putting this in the wrong place, so forgive me if I do. I just really need someone to talk to right now, and I have no one. I only have a handful of people I can even talk to about anything remotely emotional, and even those people are shrinking.

After finally sending a message to my ex-girlfriend (we still hang out and she still has feelings for me, and I do for her as well, but anymore I don't even know if I can even have her as a friend) about how I'm sometimes scared to be around her because in conversations she will start to shout and jab her finger in the air whenever there is a contentious issue at hand. She has a lot of conviction in her opinions and for some reason feels that she has to shout to express them and point aggressively when she does it.

It freaks me out, sometimes she'll even just flip out over the smallest little thing (like one day we were trying to decide where to eat and we passed a Steak n Shake, she suggested it, and when I said I didn't want to eat there she just flips out, starts acting like I've totally stomped all over her feelings, and then she may eventually apologize.

I wrote her a message today about how she sometimes scares me and how a lot of the times I'm on edge around her because I don't know what she'll do or how she'll react to things. She reminds me of my mother sometimes, and she'd slap me around and throw plates across the room. More often than not I didn't really know what to do around her, so I just kind of would freeze and just stare out the window, silent if we were in the car. Hope I don't do something to piss her off and keep on my toes to avoid broken plates she'd toss across the room or on the floor.

Basically my ex called me up after reading my message and pretty much didn't care. That's just the way she is, she's a "boisterous passionate aggressive person" and she thinks you have to shout at people because small voices don't get heard.

When I was still in the military (Iraq vet) and wanted to talk to her about some of the awful things I saw and did, she just wouldn't want to hear it, or she'd flip out and just be like, "Okay then, lets talk! So come on, go ahead, talk!" Needless to say I didn't want to share anything with her once she said that. I was hanging out with her because we do have a lot in common and I do still have some feelings for her, plus I'm just lonely. Several of my "friends" pretty much stopped talking to me once I moved back home and started losing it and started going to therapy. I guess it just wasn't cool, who knows. :think:

And this is the closest thing I have for someone to talk to. God I feel like a loser. The last girl I got fixed up with stopped responding to my e-mails despite saying she "really like spending time with me and that she wanted to take it slow". An old classmate from middle school hit me up on facebook and pretty much has no interest in hanging out with me even though she messaged me and we're both in nursing school. Its not like we don't have things in common and I'm not even hitting on her, I'd just like to see what she's been doing since we were 13 and catch up.

God I don't think I've ever had a positive experience with a woman in my life despite all the jive about what a great person I am, or how good looking, or whatever. Seems like I either get lied to, screwed over, or ignored. And fewer and fewer friends as the days go by.

I'm 29 and I guess this is what "growing up" is. Getting lonelier and lonelier. Sometimes I really don't feel like I have the skills to flourish in the world, only to survive. :dontknow:

I really don't expect anyone to read all of this, I just needed to get some of this off my chest. And I get to wake up tomorrow and look at all the happy people in my city who are un-alone. How do they do it? God sometimes I even hate them because they have girlfriends, boyfriends, sons, daughters, friends, lovers and these are all things that they just happen into, as if all these things are as natural as rain from the sky and like so many drops of water they take it all for granted. God this is a long post and I feel bad about it but this is all I have. Sorry.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi Charon,

Yes, someone is listening. I can understand why you are feeling alone and lonely, and I know how difficult that is. Unfortunately, sometimes we need to be alone to sort out our stuff that holds us back from engaging in healthy relationships. Perhaps spend this time looking after yourself and getting yourself to a good point in your life. I found that once I let go of the idea that I was lonely, and started to work on the reasons why I could not attract the 'right' sort of people to me, I did start to have better people in my life. And now, I don't have so many people in my life, but they are good quality people!

Don't fall into the mistake of feeling envy for the relationships others have. If you look under the surface of a lot of those relationships, you will find lying, cheating, abuse, stealing, arguing, hatred and indifference. I know that it seems as though everyone around you is hooked up with someone, or has loved ones in their lives, but far too many people just plod along in bad relationships simply for the fact that they feel incomplete in some way - having relationships for the sake of having relationships! The reason why it seems as though they 'just fall into it', is because so many people settle for second or third best and will take whatever they can get even if it means compromising themselves for it! I apologise if this is coming across really harsh on the human condition, but I really do see it far too often.

Also, don't feel too alone... there are many people right here on this forum listening and supporting.

 

[piglet]

Hey Charon,

There's a lot of us lonely people on this forum, which means that we are not alone, after all :wink:. We are not losers, as we are using the resources available to us to get us through some tough times.

You will always find something supportive here - even if it just gets you through a bad day, then it was worth the effort.

((hugs)) to you and I hope you feel less lonely when you drop by here.

Take it easy on yourself!

Piglet.

 

[dutchieinPA]

It took a lot of courage to write what you did. I can totally empathize with the sense of loneliness, getting angry when I see people that are happy when I'm down. Wishing someone could relate to what is going on inside of me.

It takes a lot for me to be able to connect with someone and I find that as I get older, the quality, not the quantity of friendships is what truly matters.

Hang in there!

Susanne

 

[CCurry]

Hi Charon,

Thanks for your honest, heart wrenching post.....HUGS:Hug_emoticon:. Just like Jagged Angel said all is not as it may seem, there are tons of relationships that we've all come across and envied but when you get to the heart of it, there's tons of problems with them too. Regardless of whether you have ptsd or not, we are all broken.

Hang in there, there is someone out there for you. It doesn't sound like she was very supportive and an easy person to get along with. You may realize down the road that not only was she not the one for you but you'll wonder why you didn't end it first (as it doesn't sound like that was the case).

Carmela

 

[Charon]

I went and made a list today while journaling (been doing that for years) about all the friends I've lost since moving back home from the military. I don't even know why I bother trying to meet new people, make new friends, or even try and date. It never works out, never has and probably never will. I caught myself earlier today wondering who would even give a care if I died and it'd be a small number, probably just my mother, father, two out of three sisters, and one friend. God people go out with more people than that drinking.

I really, really wish I could just stop having this stupid desire for human companionship that has never been met in my life. I wish my therapist could help me accept it rather than asking me to make an effort to be more social, it never works out and I always feel stupid for trying and getting my hopes up. Going out on the weekends is even worse, all I can do is look at all the people out with their friends, with their dates, and there I am sitting, alone. And I can't help but laugh at all the phonies who told me that anytime I needed I could talk to them, but they sure don't want to even get a cup of coffee with me.

All I've ever wanted to do is help people, that's why I'm studying nursing. I don't care if I live or die, the world certainly doesn't, I just hope I can one day help people who have more to live for than I do. All I can do in the meantime is keep taking my meds and going through the motions of life, keep doing well in school because that's about the limit of my abilities. Nothing will change, why should it? I was miserable when I was younger and I'm miserable now.

 

[Zolicor]

Charon, I felt as though I was looking in a mirror reading your posts, especially the last one. You are very brave even to go out alone. I hear you VERY much on the 'going through the motions of life', and on your loneliness. It breaks my heart that you (we) feel that way.
I applaud you for going to nursing school, a courageous choice of work, it takes real conviction to do that type of work. It'll make you feel important and necessary, which is kind of an antidote to loneliness.
I wish you loads of courage.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Charon and Zolicor,

I've read your post and I am giving you and Zolicor a big cyber hug. That was painful to read but not nearly as painful as it must feel to be this lonely.

Good for you for going back to school and nursing at that - a selfless profession. Keep posting, I'll be looking for your threads.

Carmela

 

[cragger65]

Hey, don't apologize man, you gotta get it out somehow, somewhere, and you did it very well. Lonliness is a bugger, though isolating ourselves is a bad, bad trip if you let it take over too much of your lifestyle. Take it from someone who knows that, intimately.

You sound like a good guy that gets shit on a lot... I don't know why I'm smiling right now, but MAN, can I relate!! I'm just starting to get used to the idea that I have to do what's good for ME, what serves MY good health. Do you think that's part of it, that you give yourself over to managing the other person's needs and ignore what you need? When you come from a slanted background, we tend to seek out others who are either troubled like ourselves, or worse, one's that act out in similar fashion to our original abuser/person that shook our tree. As sick as it is, it reminds us of home. Something to be aware of.

Take good care of yourself, and keep on talking. I enjoy hearing what you and everyone have to say on this thread, it's a good topic that we could all learn something from.

Cheers man,
Dave

 

[ISupportHer]

Alone?

I absolutely hear you in your feelings of loneliness. I have kind of touched on that in some past postings or blog or somewhere. One thing about your posting and being on this forum is that there ARE people who understand. That have also felt a very similar feeling of loneliness.

Just between you and me? 'cause I know no one else is listening, right?

It has been very bad for me at times. Very bad. Feeling alone when there are people all around me.

But, for me, the sense of community here has been soooo helpful. Posting when I am down and feeling "heard" as I see others respond with empathy. Sometimes just seeing someone else in pain and responding "I hear you and care". I hope you find that here too.

 

[skyp56]

Charon, I empathize with your feelings of loneliness. My heart aches for you, same as it does for my own inner lonely self.

I must say this group has the most supportive people in the world! I want to learn, together with the people here, how to care for myself. It's a journey we can all walk together.

Keep posting!
:Hug_emoticon:
skyp56

 

[catjudo]

An old classmate from middle school hit me up on facebook and pretty much has no interest in hanging out with me even though she messaged me and we're both in nursing school. Its not like we don't have things in common and I'm not even hitting on her, I'd just like to see what she's been doing since we were 13 and catch up.

I agree with the comments and advice that others have already given. I just wanted to add that you should try (I know, easier said than done) not to take some of these things personally. As far as making a Facebook connection with you but not wanting to hang out...I have lots of old friends that I've connected with on FB. Some have sought me out and others I've found and send a friend request. For the most part we enjoy reconnecting and catching up on what everyone has been doing, but we do this strictly through FB. Most of us have no interest in getting together and really hanging out. I think your FB situation is pretty typical. Like I said, try not to take things too personally.