Relationship Venting, But Would Welcome Feedback

[wiederhoren]

Hello,
My ex-girlfriend has ptsd which over the course of our 3 plus years together, wasn't as extreme as some of the sufferers experiences I've read here. The thing is, I chose not to try and research too deeply into the ptsd whilst we were together, consequently we broke up more times than we were actually together. I didn't know how to handle the triggers and would just withdraw and escape - hence all the splits in our relationship.The times apart varied from a few weeks, to a couple of months at a time. Each time it would be me who patched things up with her, I just thought that as long as I continued to care for her, everything would be OK.

Since the last (and final?) break, I''m wondering if I'm co-dependent (yet, when I speak to others they just tell me that my caring nature hasn't caused problems in other relationships, so why put a label on it because my girlfriend never seemed to love and care for me the way I did for her).

What annoys me is that during our last split, she met someone else and is now in a relationship with that person. As she never actually told me, or even emailed me to tell me that she'd met someone, it felt like there was no closure and I continued to try and win around her affections not knowing about Mr X. (she said that she wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, but was actually in one - why the deceit?).

She finally told me, when we met for a coffee that she was seeing someone, but didn't tell me that our relationship was over, thanks for the good times, etc... Should I have assumed that without the need for to articulate it?
When she told me she was seeing someone, it was like she had reached into my body and ripped out a piece of my heart. I didn't sob and wail when she told me, just gracefully and with dignity accepted her news. Of course this was just a front, and I'm trying so hard to try and move on.

As one does (I suppose), is look for all any or any signs that she really does have feelings for me. And of course I beat myself up daily telling myself that if only I'd done things differently, then we could be still together.
No, the ptsd doesn't help, but she has flaws just like anyone else, so in a way that's comforting to me.

I just can't get my head around why she would start a new relationship, yet no even tell me about it - heck, even the cold-hearted approach of sending an email, thereby avoiding face to face contact, wasn't even forthcoming.
And if we were just on a break, doesn't that mean that because she hadn't officially finished with me, she's gotten herself into some sort of rebound relationship that may or may not work?

I can't help thinking about her, and have been prescribed sleeping pills to get me through the night. Yet, there are all sorts of my 'nons' triggers for me. The house, places, people, music, situations etc, etc.

And yet, and yet......

My heart is telling me that I would like to start again with her, if anything went wrong with Mr X (if she went into this relationship still with feelings for me, how can she then form another relationship? - maybe someone with experience could maybe answer that!). My head is repeating the same mantra - how long would it be before the next 'break' if we did get back together?

Foolishly, I've only started looking seriously into ptsd since we split and wished that I'd taken the trouble whilst we were together.

She said that she wants to remain friends, but as much as I'd like to see her again, I'm worried that my heartbreak will get worse when she leaves and goes back to MrX after our meeting.

My head is spinning.........

Thanks to all that take the trouble to read contribute.

 

[bell]

If being friends with her is going to cause you that much trouble, then why be friends? I.e., what literal good is it to you? We are friends with people to share the best and worst of ourselves, and if you can't do both, then maybe it's time you consider letting her go.

Why is she with someone else? Only she knows as she chose not to tell you. That is your closure, she is with someone else.

May she come around again? Maybe, again, only she knows. Perhaps as you move forward, you can also learn a little about PTSD (not a ton as that will only get you mired back in everything) in order to understand what she is going through. Or, maybe not, it it's only going to get you stuck back in the muck!

Bottom line here: Move forward. If she comes back, awesome. If she doesn't, still awesome.

 

[Venusian]

It is time to move on. I don't want to make you feel worse but she is seeing someone else, like bell said that is your closure. She needs someone that isn't going to run when life begins to get tough and you have admitted to doing that time and time again. It seems like you only want her when she is ok and especially now that you see someone else wants her too. Let her have her happiness.

I want to add, you were split up, she had no obligation to tell you that she was seeing someone. Let her go. Don't expect that "Friends" thing with Ross and Rachel to happen, it doesn't.

 

[bell]

Also, sorry if I may sound defensive. But, as someone who has dated someone with PTSD and as someone with PTSD herself, it's hard to give much sympathy to someone who seems to only want someone when they are well. Most of the supporters here hold on to their partners with fierceness and bravery despite their problems, when you ran. While I can understand such actions if you yourself had PTSD, it's hard for me to say that she will come back because you left her... right when she needed you most.

This is something that you need to remember as you move forward, too. That everyone has problems, so maybe because you didn't stick with her, you don't love her as much as you claim to.

 

[Lost Again]

I dunno, maybe it depends how she was behaving when he would run or withdraw? Wiederhoern didn't go into too much detail and it sounds like he's really down on himself right now so may be overly blaming himself. Maybe I'm just feeling sensitive to the above comments because my relationship just fell apart because I couldn't emotionally cope with his violent outbursts, paranoia, false accusations, etc. I would be really hurt too if my ex was out there starting a new relationship while I am here alone taking care of our baby with no communication from him. The point that was made above that supporters need to stick around in good times and bad times or else we don't really love the person, is definitely food for thought. I know my (ex) partner would feel that way. But sometimes it feels like the sufferer comes into your life like a tornado, demands everything, destroys everything, and then moves on to someone else while labeling you as a terrible and unsupportive person. PTSD is awful for everyone all around. Everyone has their breaking point, whether momentarily or permanently. I wish the sufferer could have compassion for the struggle of a supporter.

 

[wiederhoren]

Thank you to all who have taken the trouble to respond.
Lost Again's thoughts that:
"I wish the sufferer could have compassion for the struggle of a supporter" Is absolutely spot on.
I wouldn't have run if she had shown compassion, or understood my needs. I told her so many times that I care for her and would always be here for her, even on the occasions when I didn't run.

 

[Venusian]

Lost again, I do understand and sympathise with supporters and what they go through but as wiederhoren stated in his post, he did not try to understand his exgirlfriend until after he found out she started seeing someone else. That is what I responded to, he sounds like he took her for granted, that she would wait around for him.

 

[Venusian]

Wiederhoren, please don't thinkI don't sympathise, I do. I have been in the same position asking the same questions about why a relationship broke up and there are no answers. It comes down to the fact that the other person did not feel the same way you did and made the decision to move on. It hurts, I know it does. It also means that it is over. If by some miracle she does make her way back to you at some point in the future that is great but chances are that she won't. You have to move on with your life. Mourn the loss of the relationship but live your life knowing that is over at this point in time.

 

[Lost Again]

It's painful. I imagine only time can heal the pain. I am going through the same experience at the moment, just trying to take it day by day. It feels like with PTSD you never know it's really over, until it's really over. I guess her now in a relationship with another person is the sign that it's over. You might also be able to say the reverse: that if she really loved you, that she wouldn't have started dating someone else and would have remained open to working it out. But maybe it's not useful to get into the idea that she didn't love you enough or he didn't love her enough. Love is such a nebulous factor. But the fact that she is in a new relationship means she has made a 'decision' (whether she loves you or not) that your relationship is over. It doesn't mean that her life goes on happily while you are left with the ruins of your relationship. Unfortunately she still has to continue with her PTSD :(

My (ex) husband is telling people we are simply incompatible. Maybe he's right. He needs someone who can accommodate all his very real needs . I need someone who can trust me, respect me, and make me feel safe. I do believe that we love each other, but sometimes love is not enough. Losing someone you love is extremely painful.

 

[bell]

I think it was the word "escape" in the original post that got me. And if you feel like you have to "escape" from someone: a) why do you feel the need to keep coming back (although if you are co-dependent that makes sense) and b) why should she tell you that she has someone else when you "escaped?" And you said you didn't try to understand PTSD, which, to me, it would seem you would try and understand if you were actually codependent.

So, no wonder your head is spinning! And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh earlier. As someone who had to let someone go who has PTSD, I understand how hard it is, but also how necessary it is sometimes. So, @Lost Again, I understand your pain. But, @wiederhoren, what you maybe don't understand is that with PTSD, you're usually so stuck in your own sh*t there is no understanding of anyone else's needs because you're struggling just dealing with your own. Unfair?! Yes! But, that's the disorder. As someone with PTSD, it's a struggle at times to see past your own hand because it seems so dark. In those times, it's helpful to know that our loved ones are there for us.

And maybe, just maybe, if you had stayed instead of continued to run, things would be very different for you right now. Unfortunately, that's something that you're going to have to live with and learn from. As such, perhaps in your next relationship, if someone has a problem/disorder, you will take the time needed to understand what they're going through, instead of just cutting and running.

 

[wiederhoren]

Thank you all for your contributions. You've said nothing I'd didn't already suspect/know.

I made the conscious decision earlier to let her go and not contact her again.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok I'm not trying to be rude. Take the PTSD out of the equation for two seconds. Is it possible that she just wasn't all that into you? No matter what happened, you always came back. Us ptsd'ers are subjected to a lot of rejection. Most people can't handle our symptoms. So when someone decides to stick around, sometimes we think ok, why not?, even if he or she isn't "the one" or is a toxic friend, etc. I'm not saying its right, but it happens. I've been there. I've kept people around simply because they didn't run at the first sign of PTSD.