Relationship Venting, But Would Welcome Feedback

[p-no]

I wouldn't have run if she had shown compassion, or understood my needs. I told her so many times that I care for her and would always be here for her, even on the occasions when I didn't run.

For me, now, the point is if the relationship is not at least somewhat equal, I am out. The respective labels being not important. Being able to hear another person, especially partner, to an extent that I personally need them to is a must have in a relationship of the type I would want.

with PTSD, you're usually so stuck in your own sh*t there is no understanding of anyone else's needs because you're struggling just dealing with your own

I do see you have said "usually". I would change this a bit and say that often you find yourself stuck yet again in your own shit. But the extent to which that is the case, if you're stuck in it 24/7 or if you're stuck in it one or two days out of seven depends on how effectively treatment has been for you.

Is PTSD an impairment? I think so. I have it. Does having it (without looking at treatment a person has had, personality traits, etc.) equal inability to be in a relationship that is good for both? I don't think so. There are many out there who make it work. My experience with self-help is that those who make it work, are busy making it work and thus usually don't spend time regularly on forums such as this.

My two cents.

Good luck.

 

[bell]

Oops, good catch, @prime-no. When I said "usually" I was actually referring to when I was triggered I usually felt that way. Lucky that's not the case, when I'm not triggered.

 

[Snowangel1225]

What annoys me is that during our last split, she met someone else and is now in a relationship with that person. As she never actually told me, or even emailed me to tell me that she'd met someone

What? Really? If you were split, why do you think she has any obligation to let you know that she has moved on?

she said that she wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, but was actually in one - why the deceit?

Again, she doesn't owe you an explanation since the relationship with you was over. If she said she was not looking for a relationship, she was 100% truthful...because she was already in a relationship and therefore, not actively looking for another relationship.

She finally told me, when we met for a coffee that she was seeing someone, but didn't tell me that our relationship was over, thanks for the good times, etc...

This was probably the most co-dependent thing I think you said in your post. You have an entire script in your head about what you think she should say or do based on your expectations. And because she didn't follow your internal script, you are confused and hurt. I know this first hand as a recovering 'raging co-dependent'.

I don't mean to sound harsh (well, maybe a little) but when a relationship has ended for any reason, I have a hard time understanding why anyone feels their former partner owes them anything. They don't. It's over and they have every right to move on an pursue their own happiness without feeling obligated to keep former partners 'in the loop'. Because, let's be honest here, it's not like you would be overjoyed for her and wish her the best. It would be awkward and uncomfortable at the very least and probably worse in reality. I don't care if the people in question were married, it's still over and each person has the right to go on with their lives.

She has moved on. Now it's time for you to take care of yourself and get on with your life. I'm not saying your are a co-dependent (although I highly suspect it) but it wouldn't hurt for you to look a little more into it and take a good, long, honest look at yourself. The good news is......it's not a terminal diagnosis! There are ways to make yourself better and there is help out there to get there. Trust me, the change in your life will be worth the effort to make the change. For me, my life is manageable now and I don't feel so compelled to try and control those around me which is a huge relief. I just keep reminding myself that the only person I can control is myself.