Relationship Very Disheartened By His Lack Of Self Worth

[LoyalOne]

At what point does your sufferer's crushing lack of self worth start feeling like a judgment on you? At what point do you feel that his lack of grip is telling you that your care is like bailing the Atlantic with a sieve?

I was told out of the blue this morning that he understood that he was completely replaceable in my life, that he wasn't worth missing or looking after, and he assumed I was going to just replace him as my 'pet Marine' with someone else. Probably soon, too, since he was all retired and old and fat.

Oh, yeah.

Sitting up all night emailing you while you went crazy with guilt and terror and anxiety because your guys were being mortared and they wouldn't let you fight because of your injuries, and you had to lie there and listen to them take it. I did that for grins and giggles.

The hundreds of pounds of care packages, the regular paper letters, the homemade cookies and little snapshots and tucking your favorite candy into the boxes because I knew it was the only thing you wouldn't give right to your buddies instead of keeping? Meh. I really just enjoy standing in line at the Post Office.

Waking up with heart palpitations after endless nightmares of finding your remains all over some desert hellhole, or feeling like I was going to throw my heart up when I heard an unexpected knock on my front door, because I am your casualty notification contact. That was awesome fun.

Hours and hours and HOURS AND HOURS on the phone with you, pleading with you for your own life; hey, it was either that or watch 30 Rock reruns, right? Whatevs.

Taking months of flak from my best friends accusing me of cheating on my husband with you, spending too much time worrying about you, pouring too much of my heart into keeping you sane and alive until you got home. Way hey - what's in a reputation, anyway?

Yeah, that's you. Replaceable. Fine. Sure. I'd do that for a stray dog. There are 200,000+ Marines out there, right? I'll just pick one out of a hat. Hey, anyone active duty want a sugar mama? I'm apparently willing to sell my heart to anything in camis. I thought I had a real forever friend, but I guess I just should have bought a golden retriever.

I am going to go cry in the ladies room until I feel like I can act rationally.

 

[SpeedOfLife]

LoyalOne,

The first thing to remember is this: it's not personal. It feels personal, how could it not? But it's not personal. When he says something like that, you're not the target. He is. You just happen to be there as a bystander who gets dragged in.

In fact, it's even less personal than that. It's not really him talking. It's all of his doubts, fears, self-loathing and hurts that from time to time coming pouring out in a wave and hijacks his ability to think.

Of course, it still hurts. But the more you can see that as the PTSD talking through him and not him speaking, the less it will hurt. And when you think you can do that, when your own anger and hurt have subsided, tell him that he's not replaceable. Tell him why he can't be easily replaced, because he needs to know that it's not just words. And then, tell him in a kind and gentle way that it does hurt when he says that, because you believe in him and the strength of your commitment to this relationship. It's difficult to be non-judgmental and caring while expecting accountability and personal responsibility from him. Both are needed.

It's a hard and sometimes painful road you are on, and you need to remember the first rule of being a carer: You can't care for anyone else if you don't care for yourself first. So take care of yourself - you're a part of a very special and elite group - those who care. You deserve to be cared for, starting with yourself.

Good luck to you

 

[LoyalOne]

Thank you, Speed. I usually shrug off his seemingly callous announcements, but this one really shook me. I have to remember; he is not thinking of how his statements reflect on me, taken rationally. He is thinking about himelf and how badly he feels. Deep breaths. I can't talk to him this upset.

 

[LoyalOne]

I suppose it is worth noting that as I am also a sufferer, though not for combat reasons, when we have a little clash like this, it tends to end with us pushing each other away in a fit of broken-hearted self abuse, until one of us cracks and comes crawling back in tears. Healthy? probably not.

 

[maddog]

Oh Loyalone... your post made me want to cry, which is no mean feat in itself. I'm so sorry for your hurt and rejection today, and for the callous brutal cruelty that is PTSD. I think that one of the cruelest elements of this awful "thing" is that its ability to attack anything that would threaten its existence is enormous, and sadly, it's the precious things in life that threaten its existence most - love, acceptance, nurturance, closeness, sharing, connection...

I know that you know this beast in grim detail. I know that you know it isn't personal, that it's predictable, to-be-expected, symptomatic and as"normal" as anything to do with this roller coaster can be considered to be. I know you'll work hard to turn down your hurt and your lostness and your rejection and to accept his lashing out as just another bump in the road. I know you'll find a way to make it, because that's what you do... it's who you are, and it's why you're still here.

It doesn't make it right or fair though... and I guess that all I'm trying most ineloquently to say is that I know that your journey is just as unfair and unforgiving as his is, and that's the fault of neither of you, but it's the cross that you both have to bear.

I have a friend who is trying hard to support me right now, but whose presenceI often find intolerably suffocating and intrusive. I often sulk and rage to my psychologist about her. He, of course, is empathic and sensitive to my anguish, and yet he is also good at seeing the bigger picture in a way that I'm not. I was angrily proclaiming to him the other day, in response to his having reminded me that it's better to have people care than not care, which provoked me to snap that she just pitied me and nothing more... He let me sit silently with that for a moment, and then casually asked me "do you think that's true?"

I didn't answer. He didn't ask again. We moved on. He made his point though.

I'm sorry. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish we didn't hurt the people who try to help us. I wish it wasn't this way for all of us. I've been reading your posts for a while now and they've always struck a chord in me.

Sorry this was unhelpful...

Maddog

 

[LoyalOne]

Thanks, Maddog. No, it does help. ♥ It's just so hard to maintain rationality about this, when I am transfixed with terror that I screwed up and lost him, and have to hear my own demons saying 'this is what you get what you get what you get, this is what you deserve - you reached out, you deserve it - no one cares for you but you - he says you'll replace him cause he wants to replace you - drink it away away away - cut it out of you cut it out cut it cut it.'

It's kind of a neverending punishment in my head for thinking I could find someone who just wanted to be my friend and didn't want to take me for something. All he needed was a friend, and I got tossed into his mess, and making him feel better makes me feel better. I know two sickies don't make a wellie, but I really forget how much I need him until he does things like this, and then I am right back to crying all day and sleeping too much and playing video games to keep myself from the knife and the bottle -

I feel like that guy from the Telltale Heart, who starts out perfectly sane, and then by the end of the story he is raving and begging the cops to tear up the floor. Argh. This day cannot end soon enough. I want to take a cab home so I don't have to cry on public transportation.

 

[maddog]

This day cannot end soon enough. I want to take a cab home so I don't have to cry on public transportation.[/quote]
Oh Loyalone, please do it if you possibly can... anything you can do to be kind to yourself today is a good thing. I often write when I'm feeling self destructive, sometimes it helpsa little, and keeps me busy and distracted, and knowing I'm connecting to people who don't want me to be hurt anymore. There will be lots of us online tonight...

Maddog

 

[LoyalOne]

All righty, crisis over. I am back in my right mind. haha

I dropped him a text saying that I felt hurt that he thought my caring for him was not specific to him. He called immediately, and spent about ten minutes talking about random current events. :rolleyes: So I said; 'I am still upset, you know....' He told me that though he meant that he felt replaceable, he had not meant to imply that I thought that was true. Just that he couldn't help thinking it was true. I said; 'No one replaces you. No one. Ever.'

(pause.......................)

...and he started talking about current events again. But he sounded much more cheerful. So I think it sank in. So I think we are okay.

 

[LoyalOne]

....aaaand last night I get texts like 'Fuff' and 'bop,' which means he is drunk and/or high and/or God knows what else. He woke up today with broken fingers and no memory of the night. Because he tried to drink away everything about yesterday.

Vets out there, please please please please do whatever you have to do to keep the substance abuse under control. Please. I am terrified that next time it might be his neck, not his fingers.

 

[Zipperhead]

I only drink when I am in a good mood. I don't drink often. I learned early that if I'm not in a good mood, I very quickly start picking fights. At 240 pounds, I don't loose many, but using alcohol as an excuse to beat someone who deserves it is not on. Hope your other half can learn this one.

 

[LoyalOne]

I am charitably hoping he broke them punching a wall or falling on his way home, Zipper. It's almost like being friends with a werewolf sometimes - 'Did you hear about those guys who had their throats ripped out last night?' 'Uh.... no.... by the way, do we know why there is blood, dirt and grass in the bathtub?'

Memorial Day was very bad, and so was the Fourth. I suppose I should have expected yesterday to be ugly as well.