Sufferer Violently Raped, I Forgot It For Over A Decade

[Crimson]

I'm Crimson, hey there.
I was lured into a car by a beautiful girl and her boyfriend a long time ago, they took me back to their place and tortured me. I don't remember a lot of specifics about that day but it was violent, painful, and focused on destroying me as a human being. The beautiful woman's presence in the car combined with her charm made me feel safe going with them, it turned out that she was a much more dangerous threat than her boyfriend. She directed him, suggested things to better break me down; he was the hammer and she used him with great enthusiasm and force to smash my emotional, (undeveloped) sexual, and personal identity.

I fully suppressed what happened to me until last February and when I remembered I totally flipped shit, I went nuts. All of my problems now made sense, being so sad a lot of the time that I was in physical pain, powerful self-harm impulses, extreme alcohol abuse, vigilance, complete withdrawal from social life, violent outbursts/impulses, flashbacks, extreme emotional disturbance, extreme sleep issues (oscillating between too much and too little)....there's a lot to throw on that list so I probably left out quite a bit.

My family and my girlfriend are freakishly supportive, without their love and support I would've eaten a bullet a long time ago. I think this site is amazing and I imagine that it'll help me a lot to connect with others who have some personal experience in what I'm dealing with.

I'm sorry that the tone of what I've written may be off, right now I'm so emotionally burned out I can't even pretend to understand what tone I should have used.
Peace,
Crimson

 

[maddog]

Hi Crimson, and welcome to a very safe, supportive place where you will find many people who can identify with your struggles. You'll find a lot of compassion here, a lot of healthy differing viewpoints and a lot of practical and supportive suggestions.

I am so sorry for the brutal betrayal of your experience and for its sudden onslaught into your life. Are you seeing a therapist? What is your general support network like? These are all factors which are really critical at a time like this, along with the peer support you will find on this forum.

Welcome aboard, and don't be put off if you don't get a lot of responses straight away, things are a little quiet around here over Christmas, but everyone will return in due course.

Maddog

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the Forum, Crimson.

What struck me most is that you said your girlfriend and family are "freakishly" supportive. Accepting that support can be difficult when we are facing such a horrid reality and the after effects. I'm glad that you are here and seeking addition support.

Take good care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[Anna]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Sterre]

I fully suppressed what happened to me until last February and when I remembered I totally flipped shit, I went nuts.

Hi Crimson, welcome to the forum !

I am sorry you had to go trough this. When I read your post I was wondering how to interpret the "forgetting/supressing" part? Did you complety "forgot" about the whole ordeal? What happend for you to remember it again so sudden?
Must be very confusing and upsetting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I am very happy your family is so supportive. Its such a comfort and you would be surprised how some of us don't get that when we need it most.

I have to agree with Sterre. I am also wondering how you remember this and what triggered it?

Take care.

 

[Crimson]

Thanks for being so welcoming everyone!

I am so sorry for the brutal betrayal of your experience and for its sudden onslaught into your life. Are you seeing a therapist? What is your general support network like?
Maddog

Yeah, it's been very hard to explain to my family the way that completely forgetting it made it so I really felt that Tuesday night that I had been raped ten minutes ago but it also has a huge pent up power at the same time. I'm getting into the public mental health system here right quick. I don't have a lot of friends, but my family is very open (opening their doors to me) and they enjoy my company.

What struck me most is that you said your girlfriend and family are "freakishly" supportive. Accepting that support can be difficult when we are facing such a horrid reality and the after effects.
Rain

Yeah, it's tough to accept that they think I have enough value to deserve their help. I've been working on accepting that.

I am sorry you had to go trough this. When I read your post I was wondering how to interpret the "forgetting/supressing" part? Did you complety "forgot" about the whole ordeal? What happend for you to remember it again so sudden?
Must be very confusing and upsetting.

I told the story from time to time whenever it was applicable to a conversation but the story was that I was walking with a little girl my age and we didn't get in the car. Then I'd congratulate myself (internally) on how smart we were and the conversation would move on. One night I told my girl that story, I was drunk, and she asked me if we thought about getting in the car; suffice it to say I flipped (No, why would we do that!? Who the hell would get in a stranger's car?! We never got in that car, didn't you hear that part?!) and I started mentioning it in between every other sentence all night, almost like I'd been holding in my breath for minutes and the only way to get more air was to mention not getting in the car. "Oh, by the way mom, we never got in that car; do you remember me mentioning that?" The sheer unadulterated freak out was the only clue until I started having flashes of what they did to me. By the way, spoiler; there was no little girl, I think I just needed to feel like I wasn't alone....

Looking back I see so many call signs of the trauma (omnidirectional unexplainable anger, intricate sexual knowledge I never should have had, hypersexuality, depressive tendencies like complete withdrawal from my family and bouts of no personal hygiene at all....the list goes on) but I had no single inkling of what happened to me.

Just to be clear, I shower quite a bit now :)

Thanks for all the interest folks.
Peace,
Crimson

 

[Elisacullen21]

Big welcome to this forum. You have very luck with your supportive family. If you need to talk you can send me a message :)

Kisses for you.