Relationship Visit With The Chaplain Errr

[Court]

Hello All,

I meet with my husbands chaplain a couple days ago and I'm not so sure he is helping me in the way I need or maybe I just hurt and angry and don't like his solutions.

My hubby is currently gone will be 3 more months said he wanted out of our 13 year marriage July 4. He is nice when he wants and a complete jerk when he wants. Most of the time it's the second choice. He is contacting our children about once a week but has time daily to send me ugly emails or call to tell me how I make him so unhappy or if I'm lucky and it's a good day he tells me his head is messed up. He won't apologize for anything he says.

Anyhow the chaplain gave me some bible versus to read which I was ok with buy he also suggest I do one nice thing at least every other day for my husband. He says I should be at the homecoming and that I still need to send care packages. I'm upset he won't guide me into the realization my husband may want a divorce when he gets home and I can't pretend nothing is wrong. I'm angry so very angry he feels I should go out of my way to be nice. He says once my husband gets home he thinks he will be happy to see us and that his ptsd has probably hit rock bottom over there and I'm the punching bag.

If I'm wrong to feel angry I can accept that but how much should one go out of their way to get very very little in return? I am sick of crying and hiding from my children when I have to deal with him being a jerk and our children ask why doesn't daddy call.

Thanks for any insight from either side I don't know anybody I'm close to that would understand this as most of my family & friends think I need to suck it up and drive on because he is at war and has ptsd.
Court

 

[amethist]

Hi Court

I have 2 thoughts here, one is that the Chaplin was doing his job in trying to prevent another divorce. Getting you to be the loving wife for him to come home to, but he should be recognising your pain with all this too. That is all well and good but my other thought is.....

Why should you ignore the way he is treating you, why should you be the loving wife for him to come home to when he has told you he wants a divorce. You have every right to feel angry about how you are being treated.

It is possible the his PTSD has hit rock bottom, but you cannot fix this, you have to be there for your children and yourself how ever this all turns out.

I would look else where for support, maybe a councillor who can be there for you, which ever way your husband goes when he gets home.

 

[Court]

Thank you Amethist! I know he is pro marriage honestly I have always been to this point also even through extremely difficult troubles our marriage has had. I respected the fact chaplains try and save a marriage hence why I picked to start there.

I just don't want to set myself up for more heartache. Granted some days I get to read an email or hear the voice of the man who left 3 months ago who cried not wanting to leave us but everything sets him off everything is my fault. He said he would seek help after arriving home a few times and is always stating he hates everyone over there, the war, being deployed, etc. He has isolated himself from everything except work as he has no choice. If there is hope I will be loving caring and truly supportive but at a distance.

My kids know mommy is sad and I can't tell them why because I don't want them to hate him. My kids are my glue and for the most part hold me together.

Court

 

[BloomInWinter]

Your chaplain is doing his job, which is to keep you married.

When one company is building their side of the bridge with all their tools and energy, while the other is making little to no effort, only a negligent engineer would tell the company on the side of the bridge that is making efforts to keep extending it further out along the chasm, because it is destined to be destroyed.

No bridge can be built from one side only. If he's not at a place where he can work on the relationship, for whatever reason, put yourself first and take good care of yourself. Find a counselor who can help you prioritize what you need to do to be healthy for you and the kids. If you are able to do that, then if/when he is ready, you'll be healthy and in a good place to work on your relationship.

It's ok to just tread water sometimes when you're so tired that you are at risk of drowning. Your kids need you healthy, strong, and with a good support system in place.

That's not to say ignore him but there's nothing wrong with matching the priority you put in the relationship to the priority he does so you can rest.

Hang in there. Just being a Mom is tough enough.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes I get the impression military chaplains' only goal is to get the wives to act like happy wifies and be quiet. I went to a chaplain when my first marriage was breaking up, as I was married to a soldier previously. It seemed as if he was more interested in the marriage than the people in the marriage. I needed help and support because my husband was running around and leaving me, not to be told to read the Bible and act like a better wife so he wouldn't stray. I needed help dealing with the reality of the situation, and the chaplain turned out to be useless for this.

Granted, my first marriage wasn't a PTSD situation, but my experience with an Army Chaplain seems to echo yours. You want somebody to help you through this, whichever way it may fly.

I agree with some of the previous statements. A secular counselor may be more what you are looking for.

Sorry this isn't working out well for you Court. :(

 

[Court]

Sweetpea76 I have dealt with a chaplain before and he was awesome granted my husband was not deployed and we were both seeing him. This time I feel the way you did I get keeping the soldier "happy" while in a war zone but at what cost? Him snapping and nobody caring or expecting me to do insane things for 3 months to keep someone happy who is not giving me much of anything.

They had my husband go to a different base alone he says it was to get gear for his team and yesterday I got a glipse of the man I married who left fully in love with me. Today he is once again saying he hates that effing place. He kept saying he wanted to Skype with me and once he got on he talked to me for 3 mins to say he was grumpy and irrated and had nothing to say. That we would talk again tomorrow.

I just wished someone would listen all the signs are there and he was diagnosed before the deployment but I'm fighting this alone. I have kept to myself pertaining to my soldier and let him call or contact me. The nice emails I was told to write do me no good as most go unnoticed in the sense he reads them I get no response. When I choose to distance myself my husband lashes out more and get so nasty I have to end conversations. I guess in some sense I feel used but if he is needing me I want to be there.
Court

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm sorry you are going through this all Court. It must be terrible to not only worry about his physical safety, but also his mental state, and your marriage all at the same time. Do you have any help or support through friends or FRG where you are at?

 

[Court]

We are at Bragg. I don't have but 1 friend and she almost is siding with me being nice and stuff so I have distanced myself.

Our FRG is well a crazy one its worse as his job consists of small companies and everyone talks. He has already said I better not say anything to anyone on base. He claims he has told his 1st sgt but nobody has bothered to check on me. It is what it is I suppose. It's been a really bad day and I am done with his words, his emotional abuse as telling me I'm not good enough. I must move forward with my life and my kids. I hate doing this but what else do I do?
Court

 

[Sweetpea76]

Gotta love the Army life... "if they would have wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one with your TA-50."

It sounds like you are down to the point of just taking care of yourself and the kids first. You shouldn't feel guilty about that. In fact, in order to even work on your marriage you have to take care of yourself first. How can you manage anything external if you are stressed beyond belief?

 

[Court]

You know I dislike that saying especially since we were married for 2 years before he enlisted.

I am focused on me and the kids I know until I get the help I need I can't be the best mom possible. I know the journey will be long and emotional but I can't support an abuser. I would have have my all to supporting him and his ptsd with proper treatment. Meeting someone at 15 and still together at 31 makes it seem like my life is being ripped away. But this is his choice and I can't keep pretending it will stop or go away especially since he still has 3 months to go over there. I am hoping I can be on a productive healthy path by then.

Thanks for all the kind encouraging words it's hard my mom is supportive but just thinks e has lost his mind. She doesn't understand that people should not be treated the way he is treating me even in his situation.
Court

 

[nomedic1]

Just remember we are here for you.