Vomiting all the time

[grit]

I do not exactly vomit but I do have nausea sensation when I am in therapy talking about reasons I cannot love my mother. I feel my mouth gets filled in saliva, and it feels my tongue is expanding and I feel gross and disgusting to think about loving my mother. Just gross feeling all over.
Only recently and maybe this is what attracted me to your post, did I realize that perhaps (implicit memories) of my mother involve breast feeding and literally eating/sucking my mother and not loving her (or maybe the other way around - my mother giving me her breast and milk and resenting it or hating it or being grossed by it (or maybe she was grossed by me ..edit) are in my body and causing me to gag, or become nauseous. For me this made sense and since then I realized how it relates to my relationship to food. When I am happy, I love food but eat less. When I sad, I hate food but eat more.

ps. I brought this up in my therapy recently and for some reason, I felt it was too gross to talk about it so I changed the topic. I may revisit again. I am feeling good about it in my body ...trying to accept I cannot really extract my mother's milk out of my body.

 

[PTSDisaster]

I do not exactly vomit but I do have nausea sensation when I am in therapy talking about reasons I cannot love my mother. I feel my mouth gets filled in saliva, and it feels my tongue is expanding and I feel gross and disgusting to think about loving my mother. Just gross feeling all over.
Only recently and maybe this is what attracted me to your post, did I realize that perhaps (implicit memories) of my mother involve breast feeding and literally eating/sucking my mother and not loving her (or maybe the other way around - my mother giving me her breast and milk and resenting it or hating it or being grossed by it (or maybe she was grossed by me ..edit) are in my body and causing me to gag, or become nauseous. For me this made sense and since then I realized how it relates to my relationship to food. When I am happy, I love food but eat less. When I sad, I hate food but eat more.

ps. I brought this up in my therapy recently and for some reason, I felt it was too gross to talk about it so I changed the topic. I may revisit again. I am feeling good about it in my body ...trying to accept I cannot really extract my mother's milk out of my body.

I think there are so many big steps you've been taking!! You should be really proud of yourself.
Also, I don't know what happened, but don't be too hard on yourself. It looks like you must love your mother, but why do you put so much pressure on loving someone? Just because she is your mother or? Again I don't know the situation, but I think if you're having such hard time trying to love someone, you shouldn't force yourself into it..

You are doing so great! You've come to so many realizations, you're making great steps!! :)

 

[grit]

I think there are so many big steps you've been taking!! You should be really proud of yourself.
Also, I don't know what happened, but don't be too hard on yourself. It looks like you must love your mother, but why do you put so much pressure on loving someone? Just because she is your mother or? Again I don't know the situation, but I think if you're having such hard time trying to love someone, you shouldn't force yourself into it..

You are doing so great! You've come to so many realizations, you're making great steps!! :)

Thank you so much @PTSDisaster My god your words really hit me. thank you for your concern. I am actually far from forcing myself to love my mother. I am just going through the motions of my feelings showing up in my body. I have a lot of memories in my body and I feel relieved as I make sense back to my self. I feel though this may change I am not loving my mother is my feeling today but as a child I feel I did not only naturally (baby needs a mother) but truly I loved her but I do not have that feeling fully felt in me. I feel disgust but then maybe (and this is where I am stuck) I never loved her as a baby but felt disgust and dependence with her...and this is my pain in my body...thinking disgust and dependence are love - they are infused. I do not know I am going through the motions. Only that vomiting, nauseous, gag feeling, full salivia and such bodily sensations brought up so much for me.

Thank you so much and I promise I am easy on myself....and I truly hope you find your own way but I just wanted to share this with you...you are not alone. It is not that unusual reaction to trauma (I recall one time finding ex cheated on me and my first reaction was vomit...this is 25 yrs ago)...it is extremely hard and painful process but doable and I hold you as much as you have and wishing you well in this journey.

Thank you so much again

 

[PTSDisaster]

Thank you so much @PTSDisaster My god your words really hit me. thank you for your concern. I am actually far from forcing myself to love my mother. I am just going through the motions of my feelings showing up in my body. I have a lot of memories in my body and I feel relieved as I make sense back to my self. I feel though this may change I am not loving my mother is my feeling today but as a child I feel I did not only naturally (baby needs a mother) but truly I loved her but I do not have that feeling fully felt in me. I feel disgust but then maybe (and this is where I am stuck) I never loved her as a baby but felt disgust and dependence with her...and this is my pain in my body...thinking disgust and dependence are love - they are infused. I do not know I am going through the motions. Only that vomiting, nauseous, gag feeling, full salivia and such bodily sensations brought up so much for me.

Thank you so much and I promise I am easy on myself....and I truly hope you find your own way but I just wanted to share this with you...you are not alone. It is not that unusual reaction to trauma (I recall one time finding ex cheated on me and my first reaction was vomit...this is 25 yrs ago)...it is extremely hard and painful process but doable and I hold you as much as you have and wishing you well in this journey.

Thank you so much again

Thank you !! Your words really hit me as well:) We're all in this together and I think we can learn so much from just hearing and telling each other our stories.
I hope you'll find a breakthrough in your process and can leave those feelings of disgust behind you and move on, enjoy life. You will get there eventually, but as you know, it takes time:)

Thank you very much for your story and reply<3