Does anyone else feel extremely vulnerable when they're doing EMDR? I sometimes really have a problem with my therapist just watching me. It feels like I'm being tortured and he's the controller of the torture and he's just watching me go through it all. I feel so vulnerable I have such a hard time. I dissociate a lot I have no good memories of my childhood ever or even adulthood for that matter he knows I'm not remembering anything good I just don't know if I can keep doing it.
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Vulnerability and emdr
- Post starter zoie33
- Start date
- Status
Hi there zoie33 Thanks for the post.
I feel extremely vulnerable ever time I walk into my T's office not only when doing EMDR I have only had 1 session with EMDR my T had found during discovery a good memory of my Mom and I on a beach in Mexico going on a long walk and introduced that memory at the end and let it run for a while and i got a lot of good memories of my Mom. Was a good way to end the session. My T told me he will have me feeling ok and in control of my emotions before the end of the session. That held me till I got home.
Wednesday is my next EMDR session. I have a lot of hope for EMDR so far I have found out some major triggers and several targets. I think once you find a good memory you will find more. The bad memories seem to hide all the good ones. I hope you are able to continue. I would be very interested in your progress and you maybe interested in hearing about my experience. I think that I understand it is going to be very difficult to try to figure out what is happening. It can't be any worse than things were when it all happen. It well only be in my mind there shouldn't be any physical damage done to me doing EMDR. I was badly isolated for about 8 months and have been in therapy since January and just started going out a little for something other than doctor, T, or shopping a few of weeks ago. I think I got some help during the discovery part as I started to realize that my life had not been easy. i think I began to except the fact that I do have PTSD an it is most likely complexed and have had for a long time I was diagnosed 2 decades ago.
I think the vulnerability comes from what happened. We were vulnerable and exposed to danger when all of this happen and it is hard to leave that behind.
Peace be safe
I feel extremely vulnerable ever time I walk into my T's office not only when doing EMDR I have only had 1 session with EMDR my T had found during discovery a good memory of my Mom and I on a beach in Mexico going on a long walk and introduced that memory at the end and let it run for a while and i got a lot of good memories of my Mom. Was a good way to end the session. My T told me he will have me feeling ok and in control of my emotions before the end of the session. That held me till I got home.
Wednesday is my next EMDR session. I have a lot of hope for EMDR so far I have found out some major triggers and several targets. I think once you find a good memory you will find more. The bad memories seem to hide all the good ones. I hope you are able to continue. I would be very interested in your progress and you maybe interested in hearing about my experience. I think that I understand it is going to be very difficult to try to figure out what is happening. It can't be any worse than things were when it all happen. It well only be in my mind there shouldn't be any physical damage done to me doing EMDR. I was badly isolated for about 8 months and have been in therapy since January and just started going out a little for something other than doctor, T, or shopping a few of weeks ago. I think I got some help during the discovery part as I started to realize that my life had not been easy. i think I began to except the fact that I do have PTSD an it is most likely complexed and have had for a long time I was diagnosed 2 decades ago.
I think the vulnerability comes from what happened. We were vulnerable and exposed to danger when all of this happen and it is hard to leave that behind.
Peace be safe
A
Applejapple
I hadn't this experience recently in therapy. I found it really triggering having the T just sit here and watch me struggling during the process. I know she was just letting things unfold but to me it felt like I was being tortured a bit too, in the sense that she was just sitting there watching me and not doing anything to help me etc...like I was just some "thing" to watch suffer...
I'm going to talk to her about this next session and explain that I can't handle her just watching me and not talking or saying anything for a long time. It reminds me of abusive situations from childhood. It feels cruel even though I know she doesn't mean to be, in the moment it feels cold and aloof and a bit sadistic to me...it's too triggering
I'm going to talk to her about this next session and explain that I can't handle her just watching me and not talking or saying anything for a long time. It reminds me of abusive situations from childhood. It feels cruel even though I know she doesn't mean to be, in the moment it feels cold and aloof and a bit sadistic to me...it's too triggering
I think that they are trying to observe what is going on and trying not to influence the therapy at all. My T says nothing to me until I am back into control and then he asks me about what happened and how i feel about that.
So much reminds me of CSA. Maybe try to not watch what she is doing. I am using the little electrodes in my hands And I close my eyes so i can only see in my mind and I keep them closed even after while I recover and then he starts to talk I open my eyes. I find a lot of stressors and triggers every time I go there.
So much reminds me of CSA. Maybe try to not watch what she is doing. I am using the little electrodes in my hands And I close my eyes so i can only see in my mind and I keep them closed even after while I recover and then he starts to talk I open my eyes. I find a lot of stressors and triggers every time I go there.
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #5
thank you both for the comments Applejapple you described my feelings exactly. I have told my therapist that EMDR feels like torture but I can't work up the guts to describe it to him like you did. I wish I could.
Esterio I am so happy that your therapist is allowing you to work on some happy memories. Unfortunately I really don't have any happy memories to work on all of mine are bad
I do the buzzers in my hands too and I used to always do with my eyes closed until I started dissociating really bad now he will not let me close my eyes he says I have to keep one foot in the present in order for EMDR to process correctly when I close my eyes I go back there and I dissociate really bad which stops processing I find it so hard to do with my eyes open especially now that we're working on sexual abuse issues I see him on the corner of my eye staring at me I know he's trying to let me process and determine when to stop the buzzers but if it's just makes me feel like a rat in a cage being tortured and he's just watching it all play out. In my last session I really couldn't get into it at all I couldn't hold the memory I couldn't hold any feeling. I try thinking about it tonight and I'm dead inside I have no feeling of the memory at all and it's not like it's been processed believe me we've only done like two sessions on it and I have badly dissociated each time. I'm seriously thinking of just quitting therapy altogether. I've discovered that I have others and I know he is leaning towards a diagnosis of DID.
This is all just coming too fast and too much for me to accept I want to stick my head in the sand and go back to Numbsville where I was before. If I could just get my brain to shut off now if I would be good. Sorry I'm rambling good luck to both of you. I hope I did not make a decision I will regret tomorrow.
Esterio I am so happy that your therapist is allowing you to work on some happy memories. Unfortunately I really don't have any happy memories to work on all of mine are bad
I do the buzzers in my hands too and I used to always do with my eyes closed until I started dissociating really bad now he will not let me close my eyes he says I have to keep one foot in the present in order for EMDR to process correctly when I close my eyes I go back there and I dissociate really bad which stops processing I find it so hard to do with my eyes open especially now that we're working on sexual abuse issues I see him on the corner of my eye staring at me I know he's trying to let me process and determine when to stop the buzzers but if it's just makes me feel like a rat in a cage being tortured and he's just watching it all play out. In my last session I really couldn't get into it at all I couldn't hold the memory I couldn't hold any feeling. I try thinking about it tonight and I'm dead inside I have no feeling of the memory at all and it's not like it's been processed believe me we've only done like two sessions on it and I have badly dissociated each time. I'm seriously thinking of just quitting therapy altogether. I've discovered that I have others and I know he is leaning towards a diagnosis of DID.
This is all just coming too fast and too much for me to accept I want to stick my head in the sand and go back to Numbsville where I was before. If I could just get my brain to shut off now if I would be good. Sorry I'm rambling good luck to both of you. I hope I did not make a decision I will regret tomorrow.
You may feel you are rambling you are not you are telling us how it is for you in the words you have.
I can't really describe how I feel during most of my time with my T I guess the best word is over whelmed. I think that what is in my head must be ready to come out, as my T has a hard time to slow me down so that he could talk during discovery. There is a lot to go through and it seems when it comes it comes fast and hard sometimes it devastating. The amount of stuff that has come up that I haven't even thought about for decades. Stuff I remembered that didn't really bother me until all of a sudden things came out of no where.
To shut me down at night now I am using a cold gel pack over my eyes and relax in my recliner and everything slows down for me enough that I am able to get to bed and to sleep. Been doing this for a couple of weeks now. With the eye I forget to breath. I quit Therapy before in 2000 because it was to difficult. It took me loosing everything I loved and until this year to admit that I needed help that I couldn't do this on my own anymore. So for me I think quiting was a mistake. I will learn some ore on Wednesday. Don't make any rash decisions. Take your time and try to think. I should listen to my self too.
have a good night I hope you sleep well
I can't really describe how I feel during most of my time with my T I guess the best word is over whelmed. I think that what is in my head must be ready to come out, as my T has a hard time to slow me down so that he could talk during discovery. There is a lot to go through and it seems when it comes it comes fast and hard sometimes it devastating. The amount of stuff that has come up that I haven't even thought about for decades. Stuff I remembered that didn't really bother me until all of a sudden things came out of no where.
To shut me down at night now I am using a cold gel pack over my eyes and relax in my recliner and everything slows down for me enough that I am able to get to bed and to sleep. Been doing this for a couple of weeks now. With the eye I forget to breath. I quit Therapy before in 2000 because it was to difficult. It took me loosing everything I loved and until this year to admit that I needed help that I couldn't do this on my own anymore. So for me I think quiting was a mistake. I will learn some ore on Wednesday. Don't make any rash decisions. Take your time and try to think. I should listen to my self too.
have a good night I hope you sleep well
UnicornSightings
Platinum Member
I have only done brainspotting but I think they are similar. You are being witnessed. It is a VERY scary and vulnerable thing and I think, for me, is a HUGE part of why it works. They are not silently amused by the hell you are going through. They are holding space for your experience. That is an absolute amazing and rare gift you will likely not find outside of therapy. It's weird since we aren't used to it but it's the best thing for us. Someone to not judge our experience, just empathize with it.
D
Deleted member 41765
I considered this at length before answering. I can definitely understand feeling vulnerable in this way, there are many occasions when I don't like to be looked at (SEEN). I have felt discomfort in EMDR sessions along these lines, but it has evolved to a feeling of grounding and connection. She has been able to initiate a stop just by observing the expression on my face, thus keep me from falling down into the "bad place", and not choosing to be there. Also, my T has given me choices. I use sound, with headphones (works better for me) and am often given the option to keep my eyes open, which I understand feels safer for some. EMDR sessions are hard work, the hardest in many ways that I've ever done. Stay strong. Hope this helps!
- Post starter
- #9
Thank you for the encouragement everyone I will see how things go this afternoon I'm just hoping I can somehow dig deep and find some feeling somewhere or he'll probably shut it down. I understand what you're saying that they're not judging and everything but it still doesn't make it any easier for me mentally anyways. When it's about the hard stuff I guess I will always feel vulnerable and I can't find the guts to tell him that. I don't know why I found the guts to tell him the worst of the worst if not verbally at least written maybe at some point I find the nerve to say this to I guess my reason for not wanting to say it is that it'll make me feel even worse when I do EMDR. The fact of him knowing that I feel so vulnerable in those moments.
I have experienced this as well. I actually just asked my T - what are you doing "over there" while I am freaking out. And he explained what he was doing/thinking about. That was really helpful to me. As we have gone on, it feels less like he is watching me, and more like he is in it with me. I do hope you can share with your T today.
Buddyholly09
New Here
What is the exact purpose of EMDR? I have a new therapist and he thinks this will help. I'm trying to grasp how tf reliving a deep suppressed bad memory can be beneficial to you? It sounds like from what all I've read everyone has nothing but bad experiences with it. I'm also nervous at the thought of it.
desiderata310
VIP Member
A. EMDR is just a tool. You don't HAVE to use it. you can insist on more information from your therapist before continuing.
You can also insist that you get to know and feel more comfortable and have more faith in your therapist before you start, IF you start EMDR.
B. I understand that EMDR is supposed to be able to help you essentially re-pack the trauma so that you aren't haunted by it.
My therapist wants to pull it back out with me to try 'resourcing'. Which is not about the trauma.
I would ask your therapist about doing that BEFORE going into doing it to deal with trauma. Also, I've heard about building a safe place or something like that before tackling trauma. It's all so that you have tools in your toolbox to deal with things. IMMEDIATELY AFTER EMDR, people generally feel like ass but it gets better.
There are others who can speak about it more in-depth than I can.
You can also insist that you get to know and feel more comfortable and have more faith in your therapist before you start, IF you start EMDR.
B. I understand that EMDR is supposed to be able to help you essentially re-pack the trauma so that you aren't haunted by it.
My therapist wants to pull it back out with me to try 'resourcing'. Which is not about the trauma.
I would ask your therapist about doing that BEFORE going into doing it to deal with trauma. Also, I've heard about building a safe place or something like that before tackling trauma. It's all so that you have tools in your toolbox to deal with things. IMMEDIATELY AFTER EMDR, people generally feel like ass but it gets better.
There are others who can speak about it more in-depth than I can.
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