Vulnerability

[Suzetig]

@shell the testing the waters thing is exactly what my T wants me to do with her, effectively teaching me how to manage close relationships.

@silkleaves Asking someone for help or support is so difficult for me that I constantly end up over stretched and under supported but, I'm there for others at the drop of a hat. There are people in my life who are trustworthy but that's because they don't "know" me fully, I think that's what scares me most, anyone knowing all of me, the bits I like, don't like, am proud of and ashamed of. I can't think of anyone who knows everything about me, including my husband, so leaving myself open to the potential of someone knowing the bits I barely acknowledge to myself is terrifying.

I will talk to her about hyper vigilance and my fears and see how we get on. It was so much easier when I just turned up and cried for an hour...

 

[silkleaves]

I am the same way @Suzetig, there isn't anyone on this earth who knows everything about me. Not even me considering how much I block out and don't think about! But really...letting anyone get to really know me is scary, because I'm afraid once they do, they won't want anything to do with me. I'll even hide parts of myself that aren't all that negative too though. I'm just locked up like Ft Knox here.

 

[Go Hungry]

Right there with you. I'm so bad about trusting people that I'm flat out scared of ones I haven't even met. I don't trust them in terms of relying on them for anything major, and that includes seeing the real me. I feel like if anyone sees who I am deep inside that they'll go running away. It wouldn't be the first time. At this point I've got so many disorders that I feel like I'm a walking endorsement of the pharmaceutical companies.

And worse, I don't trust myself. It seems like I'm always saying something inappropriate or weird, even when I'm not. Even just the fear of rejection keeps me from talking to people that I should have no problem talking too. It has cost me friends in the past. It can be so hard to even speak to people, people that I know can never hurt me, people who I could drop like a stone and never have to worry about ever even seeing them again. I'm afraid of even that tiny a commitment of action.

So yeah, it's all over the place. Distrust is about as common as water in the sea.

 

[Suzetig]

You're so right @Go Hungry, trust seems to be the first thing that goes when you're dealing with trauma and for me I think s the last thing I may get back again...

I had a really good session with my therapist this afternoon, a kind of "so where do we go from here" check in, we talked about my fear of being vulnerable, whether now is the best time for me to start this kind of work or whether I should take a break and maybe revisit when I feel less exposed. I've decided to go ahead and we'll start next week looking at "deeper" stuff - as ever I'm in control of what I bring, pacing etc which I always knew but worked myself into a state about. I do now feel much calmer and more able to think about what it is I need from therapy going forward now that I'm not in crisis so to speak.

I value having a fabby therapist, and I also value the support here - thanks.