Sideways
Moderator
My T walked out of an appointment 2 weeks ago. I was in the middle of trying to explain to him why a particular string of emails he'd sent me was so hurtful, and he announced that he was sick of my constant criticism and up and left.
I was being critical at the time. The emails I was talking about had each brought me to tears. And it was the second time in 3 months that I'd received a string of emails from him that were that hurtful, so I thought I'd raise it with him.
Prior to that? I'd spent about a month trying to reassure him that the new trauma team at the inpatient facility where I did a 3 week course thought he was great, that the work we did together was great, and I was lucky to have someone so supportive as my T. Somewhere in there he'd been feeling criticised. I know that it was only a few months back where he told me (by email) that I didn't need another psychotherapist, I just needed to work harder, and even though he doesn't have an egotistical bone in his body, I can't help wondering if his nose is a bit out of joint that I do now have a new psychotherapist (that specialises in trauma). My idea was that the two of them would be working with me from different angles on the same sorts of issues...I'd be working harder...good thing..?
But he obviously feels like the criticism from me has been overwhelming. Not my intention, but that's how he feels.
I feel so vulnerable moving forward. I should apologise for making him feel that way. But how I feel seems largely irrelevant. And between the 2 of us, I'm the one with complex ptsd and shocking memory and borderline traits. If I was mediating between him and me, I'd be far more inclined to believe him and his version.
So I'm left questioning - could I have been that critical for so long without realising? As the emotionally and mentally unstable person in the room, how am I ever supposed to have my side of the story accepted when I'm countering the version of my therapist? And if he decides not to see me again, it's his version that goes in writing to the rest of my treatment team, and even if they hear me out, I wouldn't take my word over his given my mental state, so why would they?
With all my issues on board, do I just accept that it's me that was doing something wrong, even though I had no idea I was doing it? How do I have confidence that my version is legitimate when a perfectly sane person says otherwise? And how could I possibly expect others to side with my version, given how many issues I've got on board?
My ptsd makes everything I say, all of my behaviour, suspect. If someone takes issue, especially a therapist, how am I ever supposed to be believed??
I was being critical at the time. The emails I was talking about had each brought me to tears. And it was the second time in 3 months that I'd received a string of emails from him that were that hurtful, so I thought I'd raise it with him.
Prior to that? I'd spent about a month trying to reassure him that the new trauma team at the inpatient facility where I did a 3 week course thought he was great, that the work we did together was great, and I was lucky to have someone so supportive as my T. Somewhere in there he'd been feeling criticised. I know that it was only a few months back where he told me (by email) that I didn't need another psychotherapist, I just needed to work harder, and even though he doesn't have an egotistical bone in his body, I can't help wondering if his nose is a bit out of joint that I do now have a new psychotherapist (that specialises in trauma). My idea was that the two of them would be working with me from different angles on the same sorts of issues...I'd be working harder...good thing..?
But he obviously feels like the criticism from me has been overwhelming. Not my intention, but that's how he feels.
I feel so vulnerable moving forward. I should apologise for making him feel that way. But how I feel seems largely irrelevant. And between the 2 of us, I'm the one with complex ptsd and shocking memory and borderline traits. If I was mediating between him and me, I'd be far more inclined to believe him and his version.
So I'm left questioning - could I have been that critical for so long without realising? As the emotionally and mentally unstable person in the room, how am I ever supposed to have my side of the story accepted when I'm countering the version of my therapist? And if he decides not to see me again, it's his version that goes in writing to the rest of my treatment team, and even if they hear me out, I wouldn't take my word over his given my mental state, so why would they?
With all my issues on board, do I just accept that it's me that was doing something wrong, even though I had no idea I was doing it? How do I have confidence that my version is legitimate when a perfectly sane person says otherwise? And how could I possibly expect others to side with my version, given how many issues I've got on board?
My ptsd makes everything I say, all of my behaviour, suspect. If someone takes issue, especially a therapist, how am I ever supposed to be believed??