Wait... So Is That Wrong?

[desiderata310]

At my appointment today we were talking about a variety of things and I was talking at that moment, about the kids and how I feel responsible for what happened to me and how it effected them. He commented on how most of my life has been just turmoil and asked me when it had not been and I had to struggle to think of a period of time that wasn't just out and out chaos.

At one point, my therapist looked at me and asked me how I dealt with all of this all the time. How did I function? Was I just really good at compartmentalizing? WTF? Do other people just not deal with shit?

I explained as best I could that, yes, I compartmentalized and chose moments to be weak. Like, I couldn't afford to be weak and not ride my bike to work (I got hit by a car on Monday) but yesterday when I got in a pace line and got buzzed and freaked out, I chose to not ride: I pulled out of the pace line dropped out of the ride and went home. There was nothing hanging on it, so I chose to take care of myself and just go home. Or when my son said something hurtful, I just held it together till I could get away and let it out and cry.

Here lately it's just exhausting and I spend way too much brain energy on holding it all together and told him that as well.Told him that I felt like I was spending so much energy trying to keep it all together internally that if I could ever get to a place where I wasn't, I could probably take over the world.

All that said, I started wondering, doesn't EVERYONE compartmentalize? I mean people who don't have PTSD also compartmentalize as well, right? Is it something strange? I kinda felt like he was shocked (and felt this way before because of something he said) that I wasn't sitting in a corner of a padded room, that I can hold down a high stress job, that I haven't attempted suicide more, etc.

Is there something wrong with the way I deal with things? I know the rest of the world doesn't have panic attacks but in dealing with the rest of my life- isn't this a normal way of dealing with life? I kinda feel like a freak because of this.

I KINDA want to write to him and ask but honestly not sure that I, A want to know and B it would be appropriate. Somehow knowing what was wrong with me was only slightly comforting and now, I feel like a bit of a freak and feel like I need to hide this part of my life from everyone. (that part is not likely to change)

 

[WillyKat]

No, it's not wrong. We are the way we are to survive, to get from day to day, and to contribute to the world. You're not a freak, there's nothing wrong with you. You'll see it said on the forum often, that PTSD is a perfectly normal response to something awful. We respond the way our genes have evolved for us to respond.

With that in mind, your therapist is trying to figure you out and at the same time asking you to figure yourself out. All that is to find a better way to deal with it all than what our genes tell us.

 

[desiderata310]

I have known I compartmentalize for years. IE: I know that I "put things away" that I can't deal with at the moment. I have only begun to scratch the surface of what it has been like to be me all my life and when I tell him things, he responds by shock and horror and… I guess that should be validating in a way but it isn't.

In many ways, it makes me worry that he's going to not believe me (I've had to deal with that a good bit) and/or that I am just a really sick cookie. Either way, I feel.. awkward and uncomfortable and knowing there's more I have to tell him at some point is … just.. . man, it suck because I know I 'm going to hear him scribbling on that damn piece of paper and sucking through his teeth. *sigh*

 

[Hope4Now]

@desiderata310 you are not a freak. As @WillyKat said, we adapt to our circumstances by doing what we need to do to survive. It's not in our genes necessarily, more just in our brain circuitry. From what I'm learning about PTSD, the problem is that we need to learn new strategies once our dangerous circumstances become safe. When that happens, what was once adaptive, becomes maladaptive.

I think many people compartmentalize---PTSD or not. But with PTSD it's different because the container for our "compartments" is chaotically stuffed to overflowing. Many of us are able to do what you describe as "choosing" moments "to be weak" and holding it all together the rest of the time (Although calling it "weak" is unkind to yourself.) Some of us aren't always able to choose--things overwhelm us and take over (like a panic attack or a flashback). Either situation is exhausting. For us traumatized folks, therapy can help us dig out the stuff that is contributing to the exhaustion--stuff we've compartmentalized but never got around to processing. Stuff that continues to influence how we feel and think and behave in the present.

That said, I feel your upset with your therapist's comments and reactions...it would scare me/make me really uncomfortable (and likely make me redouble my efforts to be "strong" to make sure I don't completely fall apart). I want to be validated and believed, like you, but part of my identity is also being seen as healthy and strong no matter what...that is one of the things I'm actually working on in therapy--my extreme interpretations of weak and strong. Perhaps addressing the reactions you've shared here would be a useful conversation with your therapist?

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Nothing wrong with you. My therapist was "impressed" with my "resilience" and asked similar things of me...yours may want you to figure out what resources/abilities have allowed you to cope for so long, and maybe if anything has changed, and how you can adapt presently.

Sounds like you found something that works, maybe without realizing, and you should be proud of yourself, even if your way of dealing with things is different from the norm and still a mystery to you. If it works, keep it up. Good for you. I understand about the hiding thing, but remember people respect you for who you are whether they know about your past or not.

 

[desiderata310]

@hope for now I DO have panic attacks. (actually didn't know that I was having them till recently- that sounds really funny *snicker*) I There was just a part of me that wanted to look at him and say, "umm, you're the therapist last I checked. Shouldn't you understand this shit?" I have also gotten the "impressed with your resilience" stuff. For me though, it sounds like someone blowing smoke up my ass. If I were that good with dealing with shit, I wouldn't need therapy in the first place.

YEs, I do want to be seen as healthy. I go to great lengths to make sure that I don't appear weak, or vulnerable. I want to be seen as a bad ass and push myself to do things I probably shouldn't do. He at least gets that part and recognizes it.

The other thing he said that REALLY bothered me yesterday was "I really wish you would quit having bad days on therapy days" I didn't think I had a really "bad" day. I had just related to him some of the annoyances of my life that day. They had put me in a mildly bad mood and I was trying to recover what was left of the day and make it good. I'm kinda sorry I told him any of it.

All that said, I've got an email written to address this but I haven't sent it. Not sure if I should or not. meh.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

That is an odd thing to say, "quit having bad days on a therapy day" if he isn't helping you shouldn't have to keep showing up and paying him. Not sure what is going on, but you shouldn't regret confiding anything to a therapist. If you feel you have to hold things back, that probably isn't the best situation for your health.

The first therapist I tried clearly couldn't handle things, wasn't able to address them directly, and I felt I had to censor myself, and said, well, this isn't going to work. So I stopped, and tried again months later with someone else and she is very sincere and helpful, and can candle things. She explains her rationale for everything she says/does.

I don't know if this helps (and I could be wrong completely) but in general, trust your own instincts and take care of yourself. You are paying him for a service and if you aren't satisfied you have a right as a client to seek service elsewhere.

 

[desiderata310]

After reflecting on the "quit having bad days" thing, it may have been him making a joke. No, seriously, he's picked on my dry, sarcastic wit, likes it and sometimes feeds it to me in our sessions. I may have misunderstood his trying to be funny for a serious statement but I hate that I couldn't tell this time. I certainly don't want to stop that kind of back and forth but I almost feel like I need to ask.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I see. That kind of humor doesn't translate well in text! I worked for a sarcastic grad student whose teasing I mostly enjoyed, but catch me on a nervous day and I felt like i was being mocked. Definitely talk to him. Maybe it's you, maybe it's him, but tell him your concerns and give yourself space to be a little uncertain/confused, and give it a day or two before making any decisions to let your rational mind have a chance to sort out what I call "being silly" which I often do too.

 

[Hope4Now]

The other thing he said that REALLY bothered me yesterday was "I really wish you would quit having bad days on therapy days"

It takes a lot to get me angry, but I have to say that this comment (if it was serious) would have done more than "bother" me. It would have completely pissed me off. The whole point of therapy is to process what's happening on bad days as well as good ones. Even bad moments as well as good ones. And this comment is making the therapy about HIM rather than YOU. And it plays havoc with your identity which is probably deeply invested in pleasing others and living up to their expectations.

ARGH. You need to be able to go into use the appointment as a "chosen" moment to be "weak" (using your earlier phrasing). I do this. My therapist is the only person in my life with whom I feel slightly safe to show some of my vulnerability. I think I choose to do this because I know it is the only way I am going to move beyond all this &^%$ that I'm experiencing.

Even if he enjoys your wit, he should know better than to feed it to you in sessions, unless it is the topic of conversation for the session (e.g., why you make witty or sarcastic statements about yourself, or parts of your past or present life).

If it was a "joke" or a tossing back at you sarcastic wit, it is still dangerous territory for healing. The fact that you don't know his intent is testament to that. I think you do need to ask/address this with him.

 

[Hope4Now]

And another thing...(wow, this got me activated)...part of what traumatized people do is to minimize our hurt and confusion, to deny the feelings we have about things people said to us or how they treated us, to talk ourselves into thinking it's our fault and we've misinterpreted something.

Don't do this to yourself. The concerns and doubts and feelings you're raising here are all related and really important to discuss with your therapist as part of your therapy.
You're obviously a thoughtful smart person. If you discuss this stuff with him and still feel uncomfortable with the responses, then maybe it isn't a good match?

 

[scout86]

All that said, I started wondering, doesn't EVERYONE compartmentalize?

Great question! I really mean that. If you ask him and get an answer, please let us know what it is. This is something I would have assumed most people do, and I would have assumed that it's "good", but it turns out I'm wrong a lot when I make that kind of assumption. :)

If my therapist asked me something like "How do you deal with this stuff all the time?" I now realize he's probably asking because he wants me to think about the answer. He generally KNOWS the answer, or close to it. Turns out there's a lot of stuff I've never actually thought through and thinking it through is a definite plus. (Who knew?) Asking that kind of question directs my attention someplace he thinks it should go. Now, that's HIM, I don't know that everyone operates that way.