Waiting To Decay

[Jimmy1]

Sarg,
First I want to say I have the upmost respect for you and all Nam vets. I can't imagine what you guys came home to. I had been begging the VA for a one on one counselor for years and just last month they granted my wish. However the whole exposure therapy thing scares the shit out of me. She's already induced a depressive episode. I'm glad I found this place though. It's the first time I've opened up to other vets and not felt ashamed.

Hey buddy, welcome to the forum.

The exposure thing scares the shit out of everyone, actually going to a psych is bad enough for most vets, they don't want someone going through their already mixed up head, but it's a necessary evil.

The thing that is going to freak you out the most is that it's going to get worse before it get's better. The beast has mixed up your thoughts so bad and she has to place them is some sort of order. It's always going to be a work in progress, and I hate to burst your bubble but I have started to tell people like it is, but you may not have all the work done before you die, that is how long it takes. You see, you may be able to count the traumas on your fingers and toes, but deep down twisted among all your memories 'might' be others that you don't even know are affecting you.

Anyway, I will echo the forum and say you are not alone, even though it feels that way. We alienate our family, our loved ones and our mates, we even alienate our battle buddies if they don't happen to have PTSD as we don't believe they will understand. Everyone on here though does and nobody is worse than anybody else.

Cheers for the festive season. Keep your head down and chin up mate.

Jimmy

 

[Aprooster74]

I am a goof American from Texas. So, let me be blunt and upfront. The Aussie's are telling me there weapons are better! The Brit's are waiting for me to go first! and I am the wacky one arguing with the Aussie's and leading the way for the Brit's (with a BIG BIG smile hee-hee). Nothing derogatory, just Soldiers being Soldiers (or may-haps it is American humor????)
OIF2VET, you are safe here. I can vouch for that.

You may not get the replies that you are looking for, as far as 'sugar coated' or 'standard issue response." Why? I have found that this site is not (in my personal experience) a place to hear what we always hear in the civilian world. It is a place where people will comment and reply based on one single truth. 'We can relate to your experience, but never share it.' We all faced the same scenario, however how we perceived it will always differ. Even if you talk to the battle buddy that was right there with you. The perception will have differences.

This place is 'Common Ground.' It has kept me grounded hopefully it can do the same for you.

The Combat Theater does not matter. The reality of a soldier never changes. Equipment does, but the truth of our purpose and meaning does not.

Patrick

 

[OIF2Vet]

I'm glad things aren't surgar coated here like it is everywhere else. Sometimes I want to slap the damn optimism off my counselor's face. Like she really thinks I'm gonna be able to go to Disneyland and not smash everyone's face in lol.. been like this for 10 years. The beast, the roller coaster of doom. The liquid lead running through my veins. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I was. Just gotta learn new ways to make life half way livable. Luckily I made it through Christmas without incident. yay!

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Sometimes I come here because nothing else works. This morning I'm here because nothing else works. And, this ain't my first rodeo bucheroos.

I'm completely off bupropion (welbutron) after several months at 450 mg per day. That's almost enough to make a buffalo think he was a humming bird. But, the shit worked, and helped me see where I needed to be, helping me get my bearings and set some goals. So, the withdrawals are simply part of the package.

Here's where I'm going with this. Even after dealing with this crap since 1967 there are still times when there's nothing for me to do but hang on until I can begin to get a grip. And, here's my secret weapon in the battle with post traumatic stress (it's not a disorder). It will always pass. Demons and Dragons get tired, and go to sleep. If I can just wait til the son-of-a-bitch sleeps I can make some progress.

So, I'll say it again my Brother. When you're as low as you can get, that's not the end. IT'S THE BEGINNING. Hang on. Post here often. AND, NEVER, NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BELIEVE YOU CAN'T FIND A BETTER PLACE. THEY'LL ALWAYS BE THERE.

SD
'

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Hi OIF2Vet welcome to the farm. :) I am one of the old rotten Nam vets, not decayed as yet.....:eek: You have found the best place you could have found. I sometimes think of this place as the Karma Sutra of PTSD.;) Just so you know we are all the same and yet different. You may want to read the 'Introductions' page, you will find you are not alone. That is a good start, to learn you are not the only one in dealing with the Beast. (as we call it) Take you time, read the forums and watch the videos. If you have questions, please ask them.......You will get a no BS answer(s)........Lastly, what works for me, may not work for you. So you try and find what works for you, this will take some time....Learn about PTSD, take your time and take small steps........

J R

 

[dutchiedelta]

I sometimes think of this place as the Karma Sutra of PTSD.

ODG, is that a type or did you mean to write Karma on purpose. It made me laugh out loud anyway :)
It seems such an appropriate name after all.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

ODG, is that a type or did you mean to write Karma on purpose. It made me laugh out loud anyway :)It seems such an appropriate name after all.

Lets just say I was given a copy of the Kama Sutra years ago........As you said, it just seemed appropriate.....:):):)

J R

 

[Jimmy1]

I'm glad things aren't surgar coated here like it is everywhere else. Sometimes I want to slap the damn optimism off my counselor's face. Like she really thinks I'm gonna be able to go to Disneyland and not smash everyone's face in lol.. been like this for 10 years. The beast, the roller coaster of doom. The liquid lead running through my veins. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I was. Just gotta learn new ways to make life half way livable. Luckily I made it through Christmas without incident. yay!

Wouldn't it suck if they were not optimistic or positive? We would leave there and go top ourselves.

 

[OIF2Vet]

Haha. True @Jimmy. @OldDoorGunner lmao Karma Sutra!

 

[combatgoldfish]

I dated Karma. Word of advise, never do that.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome OIF2Vet, you're in the right place - take a knee!

Anyway that's my rant. Sorry it's so long. I just haven't shared these feelings to this extent to anyone before.
thank you for listening and hopefully maybe understanding. I feel extremely alone at the moment.

Most of the usual suspects have already weighed in already - thats a good thing (saves these old fingers for another rant).

No need to thank anyone here at this forum - you remind each of us the same loneliness we all felt at one time. Loneliness is the key to the "Beasts" realm and he's willing to allow access freely. There are many guys and gals here of your era and a few Nam antiquities(like myself) - loneliness does not care when you fought, where you fought or with whom.

Like that ol' *Motel 6* commercial say's "We'll keep a light on for ya" we're here 24/7/52. You are NOT alone anymore!

Ba

 

[Sludge]

I'm glad things aren't surgar coated here like it is everywhere else. Sometimes I want to slap the damn optimism off my counselor's face. Like she really thinks I'm gonna be able to go to Disneyland and not smash everyone's face in lol.. been like this for 10 years. The beast, the roller coaster of doom. The liquid lead running through my veins. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be the person I was. Just gotta learn new ways to make life half way livable. Luckily I made it through Christmas without incident. yay!

If anything, we coat everything in shit around here. NOt bullshit, just the reality that we are. I guess what I am trying to say is, we got handed THAT end of the stick. What The Beast didn't count on was groups like this one, that all hold on together and make it difficult to re-dip that stick.

Good to hear you survived Xmas. Wish I had.(came close though!)

I'll give you my secret to dealing with the BEast: Don't fight it, use it. Can't sleep? Don't sweat it- get some shit done! Paranoid and super alert? find something to do that requires those skills! Sad? frak it, go ahead and cry. The endorphins are good for you. Embarrased? Join the club. Everyone is embarrassed.

Be honest to the point of being blunt, particularly to yourself.

Most importantly use all that extra energy and emotion as a weapon and delve into researching it. Use Google Scholar and type in Military PTSD or Combat PTSD. We are different from the civilian varieties.

What they call symptoms, we call training.