Relationship Waiting

[amethist]

I am going to add my reply to you now aerolock.

We have seen many relationships go back and forth over the last few years, some make it through, some dont. But hanging on for too long just in case they come back, is not good for either side.

Some sufferers just cannot be in a relationship for many reasons, though they do try, but fail. Some because of their PTSD, some because the relationship is just not right.

Some supporters go through emotional hell trying their best to hang onto something that the sufferer just cannot give, others keep going backward and forwards for years until they finally give up, because they have nothing left to give, and I do mean years.

Maybe reading this story will help you understand why we say if it hurts that much, then for your own sanity, let them go.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-hardest-thing-i-have-had-to-do.9102/[/DLMURL]

I myself have supported my sufferer for 5 years, but it made it easier being married for 4 before his PTSD invaded our lives. So we had a solid foundation to start with, and have made it through the bad times together.

I just wish others could do the same.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Amethist...thank you so much for sharing Frankie's story with me...amazing! My story is not totally the same but so very similar...I love the way she worded everything too. The only difference between her story and mine is that the gap in time for my fiance to 'cool off' is only a few days instead of months like her experience, so I don't do much sitting around waiting, but I do alot of 'emotional' waiting...lol...hoping that on a mental level he will return to the sweet, calm man I feel in love with instead of a nervous, angry man who is ready to snap at a moments notice, or jumps when someone slams a car door. It makes my anxiety level go through the roof when his is through the roof...maybe contagious? :unsure:

 

[havingfaith]

Thank you for all the responses to my situation.
I appreciate all views and take what relates to me and I am trying to use it wisely.

Backing away and taking care of myself is first thing on my list of to do. I have been doing things that interest me and things I need to get done if he turns around and comes back.

I can say he has made a change in the past few days. Started to text me and I did not jump and respond I waited to reply and kept things short. I sent him Nicolette's post about "If you need me, I'm here.If you don't I'm still here" He sent a text about 15 min later telling me he blew up at a meeting. His job is his biggest stress. I sent him a reply to call me if he needed to vent I would listen. He did call and he vented and was so upset I had to tell him to stop and breathe. It was our first communication in 3 days and all about him. So I know he is still deep in his cave.

He has called and is making contact for 2 days now. We spoke last night and he explained to me how he was feeling. I listened and was supportive and gave no opinion and did not try to fix things. He sent a text to me today and called today with no prompting from me at all. He was upset that one of our raccoon babies did not come home last night. He called to ask me if she was back yet and had definite concern in his voice. He wants to go to his parents with me for dinner this weekend. I am not getting my hopes up.

I will wait for now and see how things work out. This is his second episode but it is the first one that I know why this is happening. He is not in therapy at this time and I don't dare to approach that topic right now. He wants me to help him with his resume for he is ready to change his job.

I do not know what to expect and that is causing me some anxiety. I just need to learn to stay still and not push things. Let him come to me. Be here and catch him if he falls.

It is very hard to listen to my friends tell me I am making a mistake. It is my mistake to make and I am doing this with an open mind in that if he won't get help and he continues to spiral out of control, I do have the option to leave. When he comes back and he can't show he loves me or can't let me totally back into his life I will have to reassess the relationship.
I have options here he didn't completely throw me away. He has said he loves me and has stopped saying I need to find someone else for I deserve better.

If you do not love yourself, you can't love anyone else. I have never thought about the depth of this saying until now.

 

[Newcomer210]

When i was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago my gf vanished on me, it took me quite some time to realize how being there meant more stress in her life. I forgave her.

A year later, April of this year some repressed feelings of abuse from my childhood rear their ugly head after my gf in her insecurity asked me if I was gay for watching and enjoying both "I Love You Philip Morris" and "Philadelphia". Fast forward two weeks, we argue some more, i resent her, I beg for her help to get me thru this as I had already been seeing a therapist for well over a year and she as well. We did couples counseling twice and she used what we learned together against me in arguments. I felt numb myself for awhile, she broke up with me and we did not speak or see each other for 6 weeks.

We decide to talk again, to take a chance and make this work. fast forward 8 weeks later and she goes from telling me she wants to see me more than 2 days a week and possibly moving in together in 3-6months...to saying she is not sure if she is in love and needs time alone.

She has taken approximately 6-7 of these breaks and most are 2 weeks long, except for the most recent. She used to tell me I deserved more in life, through therapy I have realized that. I told her this the night she wanted her "space", and she said that is all she ever wanted me to learn.

I want to move on, I of course am afraid of the uncertainty of what that means although in our 6 week distance I continued therapy, began working out, built on my friendships, while she stayed at home and admitted to not "making progress and little soul searching" in her words.

I might add that she is 26 and does not drive, no job prospects, and has a niece she cares for, a mother with dementia, a family that hates me and thinks I am the reason for all of the problems she has. They constantly remind her of this and because they are her financial support she does not want them to be upset at her. We both have aging parents and she fears losing their respect in their final years.

I have been supportive, but when I attempt to spend more time with her as she has requested she says that I want too much from her. I am finally at my wits end.

 

[BigBear]

Newcomer210,

I'd say that she needs a friend relationship. Someone she can trust to talk to and be there for her. I don't think that she needs to be working on getting married or in a long term sexual relationship. That could come later, but I don't think its in the cards now.

Just my opinion,

Bear

 

[Newcomer210]

I have been her friend and I have put it out there, no have contact in a non-romantic manner. In the past I would have woken up for work, checked my Facebook and Twitter to find that she has erased me altogether from her life with no explanation.

This time we talked about the separation, not because she wanted too, but I had to set boundaries. She has agreed to keep FB and all of our other social media connections alive, but has blocked her relationship status.

In common form from other members here, she has "gone on" with her life and is going out etc. But it of course does not include me in it nor does she open up to us going out just as friends.

 

[drago]

Nicolette, great ideas, but some cases are different and have different realities...read my thread... My Wife Has PTSD And.....

Maybe others here have or are experiencing the same thing...but each person make's their own world around someone else. Hope is all we would have to restore that which made our life complete. True, at some point, we have to let go and face the facts and move on. I have spent the last month out of work, working with lawyers in two states, and hoping that she will get some memories of what it was to work on it, and praying so that my son is ok. I haven't seen him in more than a month. I have read a lot about the subject, and someone in that state can become careless with the child, no matter how much she loves him. That is scary.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Newcomer:) ,

"...she is 26 and does not drive, no job prospects, a mother with dementia, a family that hates me and thinks I am the reason for all of the problems she has".

This would be more than enough for me, wow. These are all major issues, especially her family hating you. The fact that she is 26 and doesn't drive or have any jobs lined up makes me wonder if she's not lazy both in her day-to-day life as well as in a relationship?

Does your gf have ptsd and you are the carer in the relationship? I wasn't clear about that.

 

[Newcomer210]

My gf is the sufferer, but I think I picked up some traits from her that I am not very proud of. My anxiety and guilt/shame is through the roof.

Today, after weeks of ups and downs and after the "pull away" I posted on here about almost a month to the day...I realized that I can no longer sustain this relationship. I lost the last ounce of trust I ever had it would work and at 21 months I have a very positive future ahead of me that I cannot ignore anymore. I cried today after we spoke, but minutes later I realized it was out of fear and anxiety.

I literally stopped in my tracks once I realized that it was no longer my heart or soul that was hurting. After 1.5 years of me going to therapy to help my ADHD and also in "fixing" who I was, because every breakup was my fault in her eyes, I finally realized my self worth and my progress and my ability to know when enough is enough.

My mom is about to undergo a double heart valve replacement and having someone who cannot even pick up the phone to give a minute of support or encouragement is ridiculous.


This forum helped me realize I was not alone, I could identify with hundreds of stories here that I did not post very much because it all made sense and looked familiar. I was in awe and in comfort here. As soon as she found out that I was on these boards, I think the guilt riddles her. We spoke a few times about the similarities, but by then she attempted to "make things right", but it was too late. Even when she left me abruptly and with no real warning for six weeks earlier this year, I kept the faith, came back a "new man" (I had been in therapy after all) she had me "work" to get her back, then cut me to shreds for weeks, was abusive to my emotions, and needed "space". After that point, I was never the same. The rug had been pulled out once too many times.

 

[Newcomer210]

And today one of her family members tells me she was raped 5 years ago in college...does my situation get any better? I am compassionate, but I still am walking away.

 

[RedBalloon]

Newcomer210, I wish you the best in walking away. It's good that you were able to come to a final decision. It takes strength to complete any breakup. It's not your job & final duty in life to care for her. You tried your best to love her, but you couldn't cope with your needs not being met.

You will find love again in the future. I promise.

 

[Newcomer210]

Yeah, I know. While I compromised and made significant changes(which made me happy in other aspects of my life), it was apparent that when I started to set boundaries that "blame" was communicated by default. What I mean is that, she took it as blame and took offense, but I set boundaries to protect myself and this relationship. At the end of the day, she was afraid to change for herself and the challenges that would present. I realize now, that the day she said, "walk away forever and don't look back", in reference to taking some space that my immediate response was, "if you ask me to walk away now, i am not coming back, because walking away in this fashion will only make you believe this is an 'ok' way of dealing with things".

From that day on, things had changed within me and more importantly within her. She knew that I was no longer going to be able to sustain my happiness with these abrupt outbursts without at least talking about the causes and feelings behind them. I would no longer allow her to leave the relationship at will, without discussing what we could agree to as far as adequate amount of time and what means of communication during the period were ok or not.

I took the "checking in" every 3 days method and not deleting each other from Facebook or other social media as she had in the past. She did it, and a week later "came back", but what did not come back after that time of reflection was any conversation about finding a solution nor was there a "right time" for me to bring the topic up without there being a conflict.

I would express my deep concerns about what feelings I felt being in that situation again and what effect it had on our relationship. I also clearly stated I am not 100%, but that I would forgive in the process as well as not take it out on her. I did that, but two weeks later when I am faced with the news that my mom will require open heart surgery, my "support" vanished and she wanted "space" again.

What an experience. What a rollercoaster. This time though I am aware of mistakes I made, but I am not taking all the responsibility for the relationship ended as I had before. In the past "breakups" we had, I would take full blame and responsibility and it was very easy for her to "move on", but I really think she had some guilt about it and just could not admit that the dilemma was 50/50.