Relationship Waiting

[Pebbles]

How long do episodes last? Do they just come out of it one day and everything is back to normal until the next episode or do they come out of it gradually?

 

[jean1960]

Pebbles,
In my experiences with BF there is no time frame sometimes they last a day, sometimes a month as for what causes them different triggers for everyone.
As for the disassociation and him pushing you away I can't advice you all I can say is this is not an easy life with PTSD for either the sufferer or the supporter. All we can do is do the best we can to love them and take those moments when they are not in an episode and treasure them.

My dad use to say to me as a kid remember and smile with the good times and learn from the not so good.

 

[Pebbles]

Thank you jean1960 for your reply. I have learned so much on this site. I am doing well and taking care of myself. I am thinking that his episodes may last a month or two. That is a long time and hard to keep a connection, but we have managed to keep connected for over a year. I know that he manages his PTSD and still goes to therapy. I believe his way of coping is to disassociate and that makes it easier to take. Would that be a coping skill or just his of managing?

 

[amethist]

It can depend how bad the episode is Pebbles.

It used to take my husband a couple of days to get back to where he was, that's if he did not have another one before the first was fully over.

Now, one day or night for the episode, then a couple to get over the tiredness that they cause.

So as long as he uses all the correct coping skills, he should be able to manage his episodes better. The more time that passes, the better he should become at handling them.

 

[Pebbles]

I just don't understand him much at all. I have been very patient and respectful of his wishes for a break. It was very hard for me for the first two weeks and I didn't handle it very well. The last two weeks I have pretty much completely left him alone.

We still text a good morning and good night text, but he completely expects me to answer the phone every time he calls. He rarely answers when I call him and that is because he is busy or so he says. He always answered or sent me a quick text before to say he was busy or whatever. He was always very considerate and respectful towards me. Now it just seems like I am a thorn in his side.

He is not compassionate of my feelings whatsoever and gets irritated with me very easily. I am a very emotional person and I love and miss him so much. I feel like he wants to be in control of everything including me. He is not kind or compassionate towards me now. I feel like he just expects me to be there waiting for him at every moment and when he doesn't answer the phone, that is ok, but when I don't answer the phone he gets mad like he doesn't believe the reason that I didn't answer.

I am confused as this feels more like emotional abuse than PTSD.

This break has been going on for a month. I know he was having a very hard time for a couple of weeks because his eyes were black from no sleep. Now, all he does is work and has no time for anything else, including me. I feel excluded from his life and I don't understand how he can be say that he loves me, but gives no worth to my feelings.

This just hurts.

 

[havingfaith]

I am in the "waiting" period. I see all the good in the man I love, yet I am so tired I can't see straight.

This is the second time in 8 months he has pushed me away. He went to his dr. the last time and to a therapist and he came around. I recently found out he stopped going and stopped meds due to no ins.

This time he ran to an old girlfriend and she is actively pursuing him at this time. I know I need to draw a boundary here and I did. She is on facebook and put up a picture of them with group of people. All responses were as though they were a couple? I called him out on it he ran and hid and got drunk. I went to his house a few days later and we talked. I stayed calm he pulled away more. A few days later he sent me a message telling me I had conversations with a guy who I knew before him. He is a guy he is a friend we are just that, he fixes my computer type stuff. I said ok he knows I am dating you. Do her friends know you are dating someone? he got all frustrated. I said look I will put it all in the past if you put your FB status as in a relationship. He sat down and thought and said .."is that an ultimatum?" I said no it is a decision you have to make. He has yet to do it. I believe he has seen her again. He is more distant than ever

He will say "I can't imagine living a day with out you" or text me "to say I don't think about you every day is an understatement" now I get nothing... ZERO ! I emailed him how I felt about things and he tore it apart and played the victim. I didn't let him be the victim told him I was speaking the truth and sometimes it hurts, and I was not mean or yelling or pointing fingers I just reminded him of things that obvious hit a nerve.

So I am sitting here not having seen him for a week. No voice contact in 2 days and no texting for a day.

I missed a sign last week. I sent him an email with funny pet pictures and he texted me he liked the one that said. "friends for life" . I had told him I can't be just best friends, for I can't with him I love him and want to be with him and knowing he was with other women would kill me inside.

Question

In this alone time they need.. do we keep trying to communicate? Do we leave them totally alone? Do we let them know we are here?

I think we are over personally. I believe he interpreted what I said as I don't want to be with him.

I do want to be with him when he is not stressed for he is a wonderful man. He was better last week and stress at work hit again and he bottomed out again. We actually argued that night for the first time in 6 mon. he texted me after I left. Find someone else you deserve better...this is his favorite line uses it all the time now. Then when I was in traffic and could not text I called and he did answer. I told him. I love you I do not want someone else. He said I love you too. He has commitment fear so I took this as a good sign?

I am angry I will admit to you here. I didn't to him. The fact that he took out another woman friend or no friend and doesn't make time for us to go out. That might just be what is my deal breaker here.

So do I stay quiet? Or try to make contact?

Ang

 

[amethist]

I would leave him alone for a while havingfaith, let him do the running after you for a change.

But, because he took another women out and there is a photo on Facebook of them more or less together, I would think long and hard about what you want.

PTSD or not taking out another women would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Nic. Not sure if you are a sufferer or a carer? We don't know what others have been through, and if you read enough posts from carers you will see a common theme...which is a subconcious game of reach-&-withdrawl that the sufferer plays on their mate. So it is not usually a matter of somebody simply saying they don't want to be in a relationship and the carer being stupid enough to hang on to eternity for no reason. If it was that easy, then most would move on! But the sufferer very often changes how they feel as often as the wind blows...loving passionately one day/week/month/yr and then suddenly changing to say they don't want to commit, but then as soon as the carer heads out the door the sufferer comes running back expressing undying love. Very common theme. Ptsd is equally as hard to deal with for the carer as the sufferer hence both deserve respect and patience. :geek: . I'm a carer of my fiance of 3.5 yrs who has combat ptsd so I have feated quite a bit.

Maybe your post was directed toward the girls who get 'used' by guys with ptsd, because there are those too. I have some compassion for them also because the guy is usually playing a certain game (lying!) to get sex from them, then they withdraw after the sex, then when they want sex again they screw with someone's mind again, etc, etc. My suggestion is to never move too fast if you are in the beginning of any relationship and ASK if they have ptsd or any other anxiety disorder before entering the relationship on any level. This could save you from alot of heartache down the road, regardless of if they love you or not. :tup:

 

[aerolock1969]

Havingfaith, I understand how you feel. I don't know what to tell you other than this will likely go on forever...the 'reach & withdrawl' game they play. My fiancee of 3.5 yrs still acts like a yo yo which is maddening to a rational person. We have lived, loved, broken up, back together, fight, back together. He tells me he doesn't deserve me, bla bla, but whenever I finally ignore him and 'move on' he smothers me in attention and love. Then when all is better and I'm back with him, he wreaks havoc again. If you want my advice on if you should be quiet/stay away at this time, the answer is YES. He will DEFINITELY be in contact with you if you leave him alone. BUT, ask yourself if you want to be on this emotional rollercoaster forever, because this cycle is likely to continue. I hope this helps. ;)

 

[amethist]

Hi aerolock

If By "Nic" you mean Nicolette who started this thread she is a long time supporter, who is also married to her sufferer.

They have been together for a number of years now and they are the administrators of this forum. So I think she knows what she is talking about.

Just giving you a heads up. :tup:

Amethist.

 

[aerolock1969]

Hi Amethist, yes I know. Thanks :)

 

[aerolock1969]

My story:

I recently decided to volunteer my time for the carers (after a 3.5 yr painful stretch with my fiance who has combat ptsd).

Like many of us, I have first hand experience of what it feels like to love & live with someone with uncontrolled ptsd. I think there is a difference between controlled vs uncontrolled.

During the past 3.5 yrs, I didn't know who to turn to or talk to about PTSD because I was very naive to it and family/friends didn't understand and just said 'leave the jerk'. That advise didn't help me much. We hear alot of that as carers, but it's really not that easy. It's an emotional struggle to leave someone who loves you and have built a life together.

I'm greatful for this forum as it helps to read all the stories and realize I'm not alone. Many carer stories are similar in that their sufferer goes thru phases of needing 'space'. I think this is why carers post so much about it, because it's confusing to a rational mind...the reach-&-withdrawl of them loving us & wanting us around, to pushing us away without warning, to loving us again.

It's hard and my heart goes out to both carers and sufferers of ptsd. :tup: