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Relationship Waiting
- Post starter Nicolette
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Don't try so hard, Aunt Flo. The only thing that makes sense is simple... they have PTSD and their behaviour does not match that of a 'solid' person.
My boyfriend warns me (after many months of communicating that it is vital for me to know) when he's having an anxiety heightened day and about to freak out. It's taken months to not perceive that as a threat, and widdle away what his triggers are. We've seemed to work out a rhythm to calm him down but sometimes more than not I think he is just putting on a really good face and he will eventually explode. Will I be in the aftermath of that? I guess it just depends on my timing of the moment. I'd prefer not to be, but it will affect me. There is no choice other than walk away completely to avoid it.
Having been through a divorce myself, I really have to agree with Nicolette. PTSD SUCKS! Pile on the rest of the normal day stresses such as divorce, you're looking at a very complicated road especially in the beginning. Beginning's shouldn't be that rough. Not to burst bubbles but including myself I have not met one single person who while they are going through their divorce are completely right in the head even if normally HEALTHY. That alone sometimes takes months to years to 'center' again.
This road is emotionally stressful and exhausting. The type of stuff that builds scars some couples never even get. I feel we have to ask ourselves new to these relationships... "By the time our sufferer gets back to this place of peace or 'centeredness' (if ever) how are we going to feel about them then?"
My exboyfriend didn't have PTSD but he was completely unhealthy and his 'moves' were very similar... We rushed into things and I spent two years sucked into his turmoil causing myself to get sick. I filed for bankruptcy (finally able to afford a lawyer) this last spring... 3 years after I finally got the umph to pack up and leave him with all I could fit in my car (which I still have to repair from his time driving it) and my puppy. I finally was able to let go of all the "hate" I had for him. I'm still sort of mad, but something about the bankruptcy gave me a window to ask forgiveness for me sticking it out as long as I did. I'm half responsible for the pain I felt and the situation I was in.
I don't want to feel that way about my boyfriend now.
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
The appropriate place for such a post is the Help Desk [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/help-desk.28/[/DLMURL] so please post there.
Also please write in full words and not abbreviations such as dlb, bcuz etc otherwise you may find yourself temporarily banned for not following PTSD forum guidelines. Please refer to [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/pages/ptsd-forum-rules/[/DLMURL].
I myself have corrected your posts by placing paragraph breaks for readability.
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- #90
anthony
Founder
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/pages/new-members/[/DLMURL]
Well, we went out on Wed and had a really nice night and said he wanted to make a future with me. The following night he had been drinking with his friends and called me up to say he loved me. The following night I had arranged to go out with the girls and got ready at his and he dropped me into town. He said he might see me out later, if not he would pick me up after. As it was, he came out and I was already drunk with the girls. He didn't seem to approve of this (he hadn't drunk much) and wanted to go, so we left.
On Saturday, we spent the day wandering around the shops hand in hand, and everything was going well, apart from various times during the day he would be bullyish, verbal and critical of things I said, which I didn't take personally, I just ignored the comments and tried to move on from them. When I went quiet, he would say 'whats up with you, what are you thinking' and I would say nothing but he wouldn't let it lie.
I stayed with him that night and everything seemed fine. The next morning he got up and said I needed to get showered and go home as he had things to do. He then proceeded to start hoovering, stripping the bed and sorting his washing. He said he was sorry he was asking me to leave but he had alot to do (I sensed he needed space). He then said that I wasn't to read anything into it and that we were ok. So I showered and left.
That night, I texted to say goodnight and I got a text back with a kiss.
The next day in the morning I texted and asked did he sleep well, to which he replied that no he hadn't, he had alot on his mind, so I left him alone all day and texted him later in the evening to see how his day was. He said it had been a shite day and that he was going to bed because he had alot on his mind. I know he had an appointment with the therapist the next day so guessed this was probably making him feel anxious. The next morning I said to him that I hope everything goes ok today.
Later on after his appointment with the therapist, he texted me to say 'I need to end this for my mental health, I will ring you later'. I texted back to say that we should talk, not text but he just hasn't replied.
I am heartbroken beyond belief. I have supported him and been on this rollercoaster with him, taken his criticisms of me, his verbal abuse and all other aspects of the PTSD including the controlling behaviour, but throughout I have never shown him how much it was hurting me. I would have my tears when I was away from him. I am now at a loss of what to do. Is this really the end, or is this another spontaneous outburst like I experienced most of Saturday? I really need some advice on how to cope with his distancing of me and how to pick myself up from this. All I keep doing is crying.
On Saturday, we spent the day wandering around the shops hand in hand, and everything was going well, apart from various times during the day he would be bullyish, verbal and critical of things I said, which I didn't take personally, I just ignored the comments and tried to move on from them. When I went quiet, he would say 'whats up with you, what are you thinking' and I would say nothing but he wouldn't let it lie.
I stayed with him that night and everything seemed fine. The next morning he got up and said I needed to get showered and go home as he had things to do. He then proceeded to start hoovering, stripping the bed and sorting his washing. He said he was sorry he was asking me to leave but he had alot to do (I sensed he needed space). He then said that I wasn't to read anything into it and that we were ok. So I showered and left.
That night, I texted to say goodnight and I got a text back with a kiss.
The next day in the morning I texted and asked did he sleep well, to which he replied that no he hadn't, he had alot on his mind, so I left him alone all day and texted him later in the evening to see how his day was. He said it had been a shite day and that he was going to bed because he had alot on his mind. I know he had an appointment with the therapist the next day so guessed this was probably making him feel anxious. The next morning I said to him that I hope everything goes ok today.
Later on after his appointment with the therapist, he texted me to say 'I need to end this for my mental health, I will ring you later'. I texted back to say that we should talk, not text but he just hasn't replied.
I am heartbroken beyond belief. I have supported him and been on this rollercoaster with him, taken his criticisms of me, his verbal abuse and all other aspects of the PTSD including the controlling behaviour, but throughout I have never shown him how much it was hurting me. I would have my tears when I was away from him. I am now at a loss of what to do. Is this really the end, or is this another spontaneous outburst like I experienced most of Saturday? I really need some advice on how to cope with his distancing of me and how to pick myself up from this. All I keep doing is crying.
amethist
VIP Member
Hi Aunt Flo
I can't remember if you have been asked this before, but here goes anyway.
If you took PTSD out of this relationship altogether, your boyfriend did not have it and was just a regular guy in the town, would you put up with all his yo-yo treatment of you. Would you honestly wait for him to decide if and when he was going to contact you, probably not. So why do it now, PTSD or not, his yo-yo treatment of you is still wrong.
Think very carefully about your answer, and take if from your head not your heart. You will find you have 2 different answers, the one which makes more sense, no matter how much you feel about him is the one to go with.
It may not be the one you want, but the one you need that is best.
I can't remember if you have been asked this before, but here goes anyway.
If you took PTSD out of this relationship altogether, your boyfriend did not have it and was just a regular guy in the town, would you put up with all his yo-yo treatment of you. Would you honestly wait for him to decide if and when he was going to contact you, probably not. So why do it now, PTSD or not, his yo-yo treatment of you is still wrong.
Think very carefully about your answer, and take if from your head not your heart. You will find you have 2 different answers, the one which makes more sense, no matter how much you feel about him is the one to go with.
It may not be the one you want, but the one you need that is best.
Am I being naive (I have been told before I am too soft) in that I am looking at everything he does as being PTSD and making excuses for him? I don't know. I vowed to love and support him and he didn't want me to walk away, yet he ends it by text. I said to he we should talk and not text as it was only fair for him to help me understand why he has come to the decision after everything he has said to me. I really don't understand his actions. Is it all PTSD? I'm so confused and can't get my head around my heart or head.
Aunt Flo... I've been EXACTLY here. I know it sucks... really bad. But that is what this thread was written for... "Waiting".
I can't remember or not if your guy is military but the only way our "boyfriends" can work on healing is compartmentalizing things. It is totally UNACCEPTABLE for relationship standards, but it is the best they know how to do right now with the tools they have. Are they encouraged by their therapists? Possibly... mine has told me I need to focus on myself. For them that means - NO SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS (the 'love' and stuff). I can almost guarantee if you go after him trying to get more of an explanation, you're just going to push him further.
I know it is harsh and difficult right now but you have to 'suck it up' so to speak and let it go. Work on yourself for a while. Don't necessarily "move on" but do so in taking care of you for a while. Do what feels right to you. This has nothing to do with you, aside from the fact that you are in his mind an added stress.
Everything you wrote, word for word, I have dealt with. Still deal with. I can't say it is a fairy tale story that I'm back with my boyfriend, but through the pain that I DIDN'T show him, I found myself and strength and eventually that's what he saw after he'd worked on himself a little bit. Together, we've been working out the steps to our dance with his PTSD, and the space, and the anger, etc.
Are my days perfect? No. Are his? Definitely not. Are we where I would eventually like us to be? Not even close. Do I think we'll be together in the future? I'm 50/50 on it... Why? because I'm still growing and he's still at the beginning of dealing with his PTSD.
We can't help them but by taking care of ourselves. We do them NO good and they don't want us when we are falling apart and feeling insecure because that is why they have asked for "alone time" in the first place - one less thing to worry about, one less thing to feel guilty about.
Maybe you can't make a decision right now between your head and heart because everything feels like MUSH. But unfortunately, you don't get a choice in this and I know it sucks extremely bad. The only choice you have is 'are you going to let this kill your spirit? and your niceness? the love you have for someone who is ready and deserving of it?' or 'are you going to technically love him from a distance? cry it out in a journal? run off your insecurities? take on a new challenge for yourself? become a bigger better you??'
It pays to learn to accept what just is... and go from there.
((((Aunt Flo))))
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- #95
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Correct - exactly!
I agree whole heartedly. I am sorry for your pain Aunt Flo but May1321 is asking what I believe to be all the right questions. Now it would be good for you to try and answer them honestly to yourself.
Thank you.
I can't understand how he can act so 'normal' joking around with his friends but shuts me out. That's one of the hardest parts to watch. I feel as though I meant/mean absolutely nothing to him. I told him yesterday that I will be strong and will love and support him, and give him as much space as he needs while he is sorting out other things that are going on. I can't tell him how heartbroken I am and how much I can't stop crying at the moment. I feel as though my life is falling apart. I don't know if he is feeling anything at all for me anymore - he only told me at the weekend that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman. Hopefully he will come back to me. I feel so alone as none of my friends understand PTSD
I can't understand how he can act so 'normal' joking around with his friends but shuts me out. That's one of the hardest parts to watch. I feel as though I meant/mean absolutely nothing to him. I told him yesterday that I will be strong and will love and support him, and give him as much space as he needs while he is sorting out other things that are going on. I can't tell him how heartbroken I am and how much I can't stop crying at the moment. I feel as though my life is falling apart. I don't know if he is feeling anything at all for me anymore - he only told me at the weekend that he has never loved anyone the way he loves me and I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman. Hopefully he will come back to me. I feel so alone as none of my friends understand PTSD
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