Waking Dissociation/sleeping Flashbacks

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It's what it says on the label, basically. When I'm awake, I'm almost completely dissociated - a fellow PTSD sufferer talked to me about it recently and we called it our "Get the f*** out" faces, where we smile and joke to keep people away when we're in terror. Nothing feels real or solid and I have no interest in the things that usual ground me. (I can't even focus enough to watch movies and creative stuff - like my new illustration gig or writing, they're so beyond my grasp it's not even funny.)

And when I sleep, it's an all night showing of flashbacks. I don't remember most of it. I wake up multiple times a night, in a sweat, crying or yelling and thrashing around. I don't want to sleep anymore. I really don't. I feel more exhausted when I wake up and I almost universally end up in tears.

Big things - lost job, lost relationship - don't bother me. But things like being put on hold, waiting in line at the store, waiting for my train - they have me in tears and throwing things.

I've signed up with my local community health center. But they can't see me for almost three weeks. I don't know what to do in the mean time. I realise I'm slowly destroying my life and every day feels more pointless and empty, but I don't quite know how to fix it.

 

[Powder]

Maybe the big stuff does bother you but you are too dissociated from the pain and you're numbing it? That is one theory. Just a thought. The small stuff is where you are present enough to allow yourself to feel and process the emotions. Time will tell. If you are like me, you stuff things that really hurt and only process them later. It's like saving the pain until you feel safe enough to feel it, and I think it's a PTSD and Dissociative response.