Want Help: Living Near My Abuser, In The House Where My Trauma Happened, And Surrounded By Triggers.

[Mr. Anonymous]

Some context: I'm new to this site. I've lived with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), depression, PTSD, and ADHD for over 10 years.

Some personal context: I have a masters degree via a top-tier university from London, UK. I had been away from the primary sources of my PTSD for so long that I had forgotten just how debilitating my proximity to the sources could be for my health, well-being, and productivity. I am a millennial and have been in my current situation (under-employed, living in my parents home, unable to make headway) since Feb. of 2016. I have been through numerous therapeutic mechanisms and will most likely be starting some form of intensive out-patient day-therapy in the very near future (I work nights, part-time).

Now... my family is the source of my PTSD. I live in the house where my traumas happened. I'm surrounded by triggers, reminders, and people who make it present-day all over again as opposed to my past. I've called the national suicide hotline a lot in the last week. I call it from time to time but this past week has been especially bad. I no longer feel like myself. I spend more time having panic attacks or suffering from my symptoms than I do being productive (or truly being 'me').

I remember now that my well-being is only attainable away from this place but I feel overwhelmed/unable to accomplish the tasks needed to escape. It also feels like I won't actually get away, regardless of how much work I do, because of economic circumstance (no one seems willing to hire me, or interview me, even with my credentials). In other words, I feel pretty f*cking hopeless... and hopelessness is a huge f*cking problem for me because that's the catalyst for my suicidal ideation turning into actual notes or plans.

What has worked for other people? How do they overcome the hopelessness, the feeling of being trapped, the constant reminders and new experiences? Is anyone else living with, or near, their traumas/abuser(s)? How do you manage to be "your best self"?! I'm pretty f*cking desperate so any advice would be appreciated. Warm regards, best wishes, and ubuntu.

 

[Justmehere]

When I had to reside near abusers and trauma, I did everything I could to add something new to the environment that helps me remember it's today, I'm an adult, I can protect myself now, it's not the past.

I took up a new sport I had never done before, and decorated my room with things that were very here and now. I had a safety plan - a way to handle any dangers that come, even though I didn't really need it. It provides comfort.

I also used grounding and mindfulness skills as much as possible, preemptively.

DBT skills might help for the suicidal ideation.

How to get out of his living situation? One step at a time. Just like when you were getting your masters, you didn't do it all at once.

Pick one small step to take to work towards long term independence. Then when you have done it, you can tackle the next one.

By small step, it might mean taking off the pressure a bit to do it all. How about volunteering somewhere that utilizes your skill set and gets you away from family a little? If that's too hard, then maybe the goal can be to look up where you might be able to go and ask to volunteer. (Experience is a key step to get a better job these days.)

ADHD and depression put together kills my own productivity.... and then I get stuck in hopeless spirals at times too. One thing that helps me get out of it is to run. First thing. Get out the door and get physically active. There is a self motivation trick I learned from a neurology podcast that talked about Seinfeld's way of staying motivated. He got a big calander and on each day that he wrote, he put a big X on that day. As the days went on, his brain didn't want to break the chain of Xs and that was a bit of a kick to keep the habit going. I started doing this with a couple of things and it really oddly works for me to get myself to do a daily task. The key is to keep is simple. For example, for Seinfeld the witting didn't have to be good, it just had to happen. It's called the chain method.

If none of this is helpful feel free to disregard.

Hopelessness is hard, but don't believe the lie that it tells people that things won't get better. You already have some good plans and wise insight into your situation, and the courage to reach out. There is much reason for hope.

 

[Kate-T]

Hi there

Hopelessness is an awful place to be and I know too well that beautiful almost fantasy dream of suicidal to be at rest but the only thing stopping me at the time was " I thought "
My parents as I kept seeing there faces at my funeral and how could I do this to them and the people that care about me!!

Ok so the good news is this hopelessness has stopped fir a few months and I also suffer with ADHD as well as CPTSD bio polar type 2 and I'm dissociative, basically the brain hasn't developed properly and is damaged due to the impact of trauma, abuse substained.


Sorry to ramble about me, just like to be honest and I hope by doing that it puts yourself or others minds at some ease that's if anything you can take from this helps you :) and I hope it does..

I've worked on and off for years with these symptoms and at the worst kart they've nearly swallowed me whole but luckily I'm strong and I've found better ways of coping now..


Ok so I do lots of sport as this makes me feel super good inside and seems to release happy feelings throughout my mind and body etc..

I haven't always been able to keep to the program though and falter big time occasionally and then the slump hits me but I seem to have this energy that keeps pushing me on..

I lived near my abuser once and it did effect me for a while until one day that all just stopped and the feelings seemed to roller coaster elsewhere..

Talk to people and connect keep being strong as you sound strong and Intelligent and your will to overcome is apparent

Are you having any therapy at the moment and hope you have support from people around you?

Take care

Kate

 

[heyheyhey]

Hello,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it sounds so hard.

Feeling helpless and hopless and then having layers of anxiety and depression on top, really sucks - it's such a hard place to be in. I have GAD as well, and sometimes I can be symptom free from my PTSD (or near enough) but then that pops up and makes me miserable - you can feel like you never get a break when you are dealing with multiple disorders.

I'd just like to share what has helped me, as has been mentioned - grounding. One thing i love, love, love are my super comfy slippers - they are so soft and comfy and I put them on whenever i am feeling anxious and just feel the softness against my feet, i also have a secret stuffed bunny rabbit (I have always loved rabbits and when I was a child my stuff bunny rabbit was my biggest source of physical comfort, so when PTSD dropped a bomb on me, I bought one - i don't care if it's cheesy or should be something to be embarrassed about, but it's one of the best things I've ever bought in regards to comforting and grounding). Aside from this, I also use lavender oil and supplements (vitamin D and magnesium), as well as ear seeds that I put in when I am feeling anxious (it's a form of ear acupuncture that you can do yourself). Ear seeds, leads me onto acupuncture - you'll want to find someone who can work to calm your system down, they have done a fair amount of research into acupuncture (and Anthony himself recommends it on this site) and it's wonderful for calming down anxiety and other symptoms. It's one of the things that really, really calmed the storm when i felt like I was genuinely living in a nightmare - shit scared and running on two hours sleep a night!!

The two things that have helped me work through my symptoms and release them have been Somatic Experiencing Therapy and therapeutic writing. I'm really tired right now but have so much to say about how awesome SE therapy has been for me - it's just so gentle and healing and has really helped me heal a lot of my symptoms, or reduce the intensity of them a lot.

It's based on the study of animals in the wild and how they don't get traumatised: only humans and domesticated animals become traumatised - this happens to humans because apparently we can shut down the impulses that are needed to be acted on or completed in order to release trauma. So kind of like the flight or fight response needs to be completed, otherwise you have this intense biological drive to fight or flee just building up inside of you - which supposedly amounts to the chronic symptoms of trauma. You can find some research on it here: Is there any research on SE?. I'm not sure why it hasn't been research very extensively, a lot of people seem to find it really effective for healing trauma... you can actually do some exercises yourself - using this book - Dead Link Removed. The key is that you avoid any kind of emotional overwhelm, which I personally found took some time to figure out - because i was so used to the overwhelm!

I think it's great because it's all about going gently and slowly so that you don't overwhelm or retraumatise yourself - and it makes therapy a pleasure rather than something that makes me more symptomatic, even if just temporarily as i know most do. I think it's helpful, as if you have a calm nervous system then you can start working with the cognitive aspects of trauma - so you can fully work through them. You can only work through so much when you are retriggered and feeling frightened, as the rational sides of the brain are mostly shut down.

It helps me to manage the anxiety so much better, there's like a release, a calmness, a balance. I have such a sense of resilience and inner strength, that was just obliterated by trauma and that i haven't felt in like over 10 years. It also connects to like an energetic sense and sense of spontaneity or passion, and spontaneity that have been missing in my life, and that i have no idea were damaged through trauma or were even things that trauma takes away from you - I thought the problem was in my mind, but I was actually shut off from my own energy. Sorry, don't want to ramble about me and my experience, but just wanted to share a little of what it is doing and how it impacts me: rather than just eradicate symptoms, it actually helps put me in touch with wonderful things that I had lost.

Then for depression, GAD and re-organising my less intense emotions around PTSD, I find therapeutic writing awesome. It helps me most with depression I think, and really gives me a strong sense of optimism and helps me feel happier and like I have a more balanced view of my trauma.

Keep us posted on how things are going :).

 

[Mr. Anonymous]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and detailed responses! I have made a list of your suggestions to review, possibly implement, and most certainly discuss with the mental health pros I am seeing. To answer the question "Am I seeing practitioners currently" the answer is thankfully yes. I am actually beginning with a new group tomorrow and I'm trying to maintain a sense of optimism about it (it's long stretches, multiple days a week, intense, hopefully very productive).

I do have a follow-up question for each of you (if you don't mind). Something specific jumped out at me in each response and I found myself really craving some extra insight. I'll list the questions in the same order as their corresponding posts, but if others want to chime in {either outside of the original posters, or to each others suggestions} please feel free! I love getting a wealth of knowledge on any question :bookworm::D

First Post: regarding the Seinfeld strategy (which I think is brilliant btw.), what did you do to overcome the temptation of avoidance? For example: I could see myself thinking "oh f*ck me I only managed 2-3 'X's this week... maybe I should just say 'f*ck it' (consciously or subconsciously) and avoid it so I don't feel guilty about my lack of 'X's". Did you pick an activity that you knew you could easily complete [or needed to]? Did you challenge yourself? Did you work up to something? What did you do to mentally motivate yourself to create a calendar covered in 'X's rather than avoid the issue? -- More generally: what strategies have you all used to overcome avoidance? I'm a sucker for retreating into binging on Netflix, or activities like video games, that take me to a fantastic 'other place' but that obviously means I lose a lot of "productive time" haha.

Second Post: What have you done to make yourself reach out to people? I often feel incredibly isolated and genuinely struggle with feeling comfortable with reaching out to my friends. I'm always nervous that without putting on a facade I'll just be that person who kills the mood or horrifies others by answering "how are you" honestly [because PTSD details can be pretty horrifying haha]. Did you have a system? How did you overcome the defeatist tendencies? Did you make agreements with certain friends for a greater level of honesty/intimacy or something?

Third Post: I've read a little bit about therapeutic writing but generally I'm pretty ignorant on the concept. Can you further expand on how this strategy helped you cope with, diminish, or address your symptoms. When I read that it gave you optimism I was actually very surprised since I can only speculate that my depressive writings would not provide me with a similar sensation haha. So how does it work? How has it worked for you? How have you used it in such a way that it has generated these re-organized thoughts or optimistic alterations?

Thanks again for all of the feedback and the camaraderie. I'm going to count this entire thread as a little victory :happy: :tup: ;) I hope you're all well and I look forward to reading your responses!

 

[heyheyhey]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and detailed responses! I have made a list of your suggestions...

Hello @Mr. Anonymous, it mostly helps me to put it into perspective, find the flaws in my thinking, gain command over and insight into my own story. Writing it out somehow leads you to perceive and form new connections and meanings for some reason, it's very helpful. That's not much to it, it's just recommended to write for 20-30 mins 3 times a week about intense emotions or thoughts that you are having. There's a lot of research into it, as an effective treatment for trauma. It was recommended in the book "The Body Keeps the Score", have you read it? It's a great book that covers a million different trauma treatments, I kind of use it as my little guide to finding the right therapies for me :).