Want My Independence Back!

[Saint Nik]

Does anyone else suffer the dependency issue of their partner/carer?

I was always an independent woman and did things by myself! For the past year since my PTSD episodes were getting worse, he had to give up work. I felt shame he has to look after me. I feel like this toddler around him at times, always having to be around him and feel quite frightened if he leaves the house for any length of time!

I worry it puts pressure on him. It can make me feel quite pathetic and insecure! Does anyone else feel like this? If so, how do you manage it? My partner is brilliant btw, he allows me to be me and says that it's not my fault and he knows what I have been through has made me this way. I know I am very lucky, but I still can't stop this shame and this icky feeling of being dependent on someone, to the point I now have this overwhelming fear something might happen to him too. . .it's getting beyond the joke!

:shy:

P.S and I hate bedtime too. . . because when he goes to sleep I am alone with these f*cking physical sensations, horrible emotions and horrific thoughts that race in my head so much!!!

I want to be independent again, where I need my partner in a more healthier manner, rather than this nervy wreck I have now become :unsure:

 

[hodge]

I suffer from this, too, Saint Nik. I was always very independent, lived alone in the Detroit area no less. But that was before PTSD hit. It didn't hit until I was safe with my husband out here on the prairie, and now I hate to be alone, too. I consider it a victory if I can get through an evening of him volunteering somewhere without drinking. And I've done it, yaay.

Actually, I look forward to bedtime because that's when I can just keep a hand or a couple of fingers on him and feel better. I know I am so blessed to be with him. He sounds very much like your partner. He's told me he feels like he's been trained for this . . . his mother had MS and his father was very much a caretaker. I never felt I wanted or needed a caretaker, but he does that for me quite often.

But back to your stuff. Are you in therapy? On any meds? Both can help quite a bit.

I know how you feel. I wish I could be independent again and work like I used to. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards as of yet. I work hard at therapy and my mindfulness/relaxation exercises, but I'm still usually quite nervous.

 

[Lifalif]

I am the same and I have the same fear of losing him and then I am left alone unable to be on my own and I often feel like I´m his child not his wife.

I hate this role so much but I am stuck in it.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Ah Saint Nik, I can definitely relate. My husband does all the shopping, errands, appointments for my kids, bill paying, etc. I hate being reliant on him. He is such a wonderful man and does a great job taking care of us. I don't like being home at night without him. I wish I was less reliant on him. I get terrified thinking about if he would get hurt or sick or worse.

 

[Saint Nik]

@Unraveling1 It's a nightmare, isn't it? He never complains the way I am. Maybe it's because I was never so dependent on him before. He said it's nice to know that I now show him I need him, and can be vulnerable around him.

I hope one day I can prove to myself, that I can become that self-reliant and self-sufficient person again!:shy:

Are you in therapy? On any meds?

I have a phobia of medication, this will tell you everything you need to know https://www.myptsd.com/threads/honesty-the-best-policy.55022/ about my phobia of any kind of medication! And yes, I have been in therapy, group sessions, counselling and have completed them all.

 

[illusionist]

Yes I've been there years ago....felt so helpless...believed I couldn't change...riddled with fear of being left on my own....all these feelings feeding the vicious circle. Once I broke the vicious circle I was able to work on the reasons behind the feelings. My partner at the time was enabling me to stay the way I was....basically to feed his need to feel loved and needed. Neither of us were healthy. He was a lovely man but not what I needed.....Oh yes I wanted that way of life, at the time ( yet hated myself for it) , but it really, really wasn't what I needed to help me grow into a healthy state of mind. I worked on myself, he grew distant because he was no longer receiving his fix....then we parted.

 

[Saint Nik]

I often feel like I´m his child not his wife.

I know exactly what you mean. I know this feeling ever so well! It's horrible, feels like shame at times. I am a fully grown adult and the only thing (luckily-thank God!) he doesn't have to do for me is wipe my ass after a toilet!!!

I don't know if I am taking this harder because I was once a very independent person. Jeez, I was that independent that I mainly did everything by myself! But, now? It's torture. . .it really is!

Has anyone taken steps to get back their independence? If so, how did you manage it? How long did it take to recover?

 

[Saint Nik]

My partner at the time was enabling me to stay the way I was....basically to feed his need to feel loved and needed.

What was it that made you realize this? What a revelation!!

 

[illusionist]

I realised he was over the top when he did things for me.....I never had to ask, he was always one step ahead. He was more than happy to make life easier for me....so in a way I became lazy, stopped trying.....if he wants to do it for me..great!!....that means he loves me! He must love me very much!...so this fed the feelings..I loved the feeling of being loved..idolized!..so I became addicted to that mode of thinking. His love for me really did appear to deepen when I became this needy person.....his need to do things for me really did get worse....and my feelings deepened as he was proving that he really did love me!!

No! ...love is when someone helps you to become a person in your own right.....who walks along side you, not holding you up....they encourage you to be healthy and whole...Yes they may catch you when you stumble but encourage you to get back up.

When we met I was totally independent and then the Ptsd struck hard...so I fell into being dependant on him, without realising, I fell into being emotionally, physically, and financially dependant on him.....Oh how disgusted I was with myself that I had allowed myself to become the person I was.