I want to get this under control for my partner/caretaker

Friday

Moderator
They'll still have to be notified in a way though, that they can't come close, they have a very fragile ego, so I worry about any step I take at all.
Yep. The police notify them if they’re comsidered too violent to risk a civilian notification, a process server serves them if they aren’t. It’s not a go to court WITH them and prove a case in trial. Skyscraper security offices file 20+ restraining orders a day, which is how people they eject are arrested by police if they return. Because there is a court order barring them from being there. They get filed every morning, and are in effect by the afternoon. Batches of hundreds of these things go through in bulk. Every single day. Domestics are a little more complicated in that YOU usually have to appear, but the person you’re taking out an order against does not. They’re served later that day or the next.
If they catch me outside and approach me, it'll suck for my mental health, if they go on a rampage and talk shit it'll affect my social life and my mental health,
Catch you outside... call the police. They just broke the order & are under arrest.

Go on a rampage... call the police. They just broke the order & are under arrest.

Some orders also include any 3rd party stuff (like if they post anything online, or call/approach any of your friends/family). In which case? You call the police. As they just broke the order & are under arrest.

That’s the thing about protection orders, restraining orders, etc. They don’t stop anyone from doing anything. They make it an arrest-able offense, even if “all” they do is call, walk by you, get a table at the restaurant you’re at, post a comment online, ring your mom, etc. Because now, it’s not “all” they’re doing. They’re in violation of a court order. Anything criminal on top of thay (harassment, assault, etc.) is charged separately. Violating the terms of the court order? Arrested.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
It is confusing. I had the heavenly chance to work in a law firm where I could see plenty of "threatening aura documents" and this I think really trained me to get myself convinced when needed.

I went as following…
Look X, I’m really super sorry to bother you in your holidays but as you might already know your roommate, who happens to be my ex, really has a bad problem in mental health to the point of being violent. Against himself and against others. He’s threatened suicide so many times I can’t count, he left me a scar on my face, he broke my laptop’s screen, he broke my camera, he broke my thumb, and this is only a fraction of the picture. He’s in poor mental health and needs help, I understand you might want to try, but this case is severe to extreme. I’ve also got diagnosed PTSD from him. I know I can sound mad because I stayed with him over 2 years, and it was a hellish roller coaster that brought me down. I came to the point I have a restraining order.

I am really stressed now to discover he has a new girlfriend and for the reasons mentioned ahead, I do strongly believe she’s at risk with him. I am by no means any form of perfection and surely there are events he might invoke and try to blame me for his actions, the facts are, domestic violence does exist and you’re in front of a case of it. I am sorry to have to brief you on such a bleak point of existence. I do bear physical sequels from living with him. I understand that you and your friend have seen a very nice facet of his person, it is a facet I do know very well too and truly, he can be extremely gentle and attentive, until he is not, and this is what’s very confusing. In any case, it’s up to you to decide how far you want to go and how you want to form your relationships, but I’m just warning you that it might not only be difficult or slightly damaging, but plainly hazardous. This is a person who needs help from experienced professionals, not just nice counselours and peer support. At least, this is my experience of it, because believe I tried to make things as right and decently as I could. You don’t need to do anything about me, but if by any case you need someone to talk about this with you, you can call me or message me at any moment. By any moment I mean any moment.

With attention,

Corax

but rose tinted glasses is a powerful thing I tell ya
Oh yeah it is.

she's also a lot more independent, so I'm a little less worried, knowing she's not mentally ill like me and handles herself better.
That’s good. She might get spooked by a red flag.

His ex before me did send me messages though, but he brushed it off like "she's just f*cking insane"
Yep… He told me that one of his exes ghosted him like leaving without a sign while they were living together, I should have perceived something wasn’t going right. He described her as unstable and so and so. I bought it. Now I think it was precisely the most appropriate way to get the f*ck out of there and that she might have been far more resourceful than he thought she was.

I'm just like, in my head, maybe I am the bad guy, maybe I hope I am, because If I'm the reason he did what he did, if he lost his temper because of me, maybe It wont be like that for her, like it was for me. I really don't want her to go through that.
Generally, violent patterns escalate over time. My ex had a Perfect Ex he left for weird reasons, perhaps she was too perfect or something, and basically that person was defusing conflict every time, was very well supported by her family, and rich. None of these things I have. I’m reactive, my family is a maze of torpedo psycho puzzles under the coat of normality, and I’m f*cking broke. I perhaps was the worst person ever and that together it escalated more, nevertheless HE’S the one DECIDING to use coercion and violence instead of another strategy. You can be the most apeshit crazy bitch and scream over his face at 90 dB, the right response is to leave and call the police, not to smack you on the ground and then kick you or whatever.

It’s very unlikely that she doesn’t get any taste of it. To abuse someone is very relieving, and actually some think even addictive. It’s a horrendous coping pattern that can end up terribly, and the more they do it, the more they get stuck in it and more prone to do it as their life advances. Not aaaalways. But almost always. Perhaps it will go differently and with different dynamics, but some element of abuse or violence is more than likely to remain and escalate again. Unfortunately, hundreds if not thousand of studies back this (I researched my sorrow uh).

No matter how annoying or bizarre you might be, reactions of others are their responsibility, not yours. Mine started to gilt me for things that were more and more absurd and anything eventually became a provocation for him. What a hell.

As you can see I really can't make up my mind, like I'm at war with myself trying to find out what is what. I'm just so confused >_<
Normal to feel confused. Many things rushing here. But you moving your stuff is first step so at least you have that. The best would for you to just handle this to someone you trust. And if he refuses or complicates or whatsoever, you’ll tell the cops that Mr. X is resisting to give my personal belongings back. Or even the other person explains it to the cops for you. I did that for a friend and all her stuff was in front of her door the day next.
 

Bubblegum

Learning
Yep. The police notify them if they’re comsidered too violent to risk a civilian notification, a process server serves them if they aren’t. It’s not a go to court WITH them and prove a case in trial. Skyscraper security offices file 20+ restraining orders a day, which is how people they eject are arrested by police if they return. Because there is a court order barring them from being there. They get filed every morning, and are in effect by the afternoon. Batches of hundreds of these things go through in bulk. Every single day. Domestics are a little more complicated in that YOU usually have to appear, but the person you’re taking out an order against does not. They’re served later that day or the next.

Catch you outside... call the police. They just broke the order & are under arrest.

Go on a rampage... call the police. They just broke the order & are under arrest.

Some orders also include any 3rd party stuff (like if they post anything online, or call/approach any of your friends/family). In which case? You call the police. As they just broke the order & are under arrest.

That’s the thing about protection orders, restraining orders, etc. They don’t stop anyone from doing anything. They make it an arrest-able offense, even if “all” they do is call, walk by you, get a table at the restaurant you’re at, post a comment online, ring your mom, etc. Because now, it’s not “all” they’re doing. They’re in violation of a court order. Anything criminal on top of thay (harassment, assault, etc.) is charged separately. Violating the terms of the court order? Arrested.

That is certainly nice, he's currently pressing my brother for money, I've been talking to my partner and we are going through with it. My ex have been writing all kinds of nasty stuff about me on his twitter according to a couple of friends of mine, they tried to call him out on it, but he was all "I'm the victim here" yadda yadda.

Hopefully it'll put an end to this nightmare so I can finally move on and heal from it.

I went as following…
That was very brave of you, it could have gone south so very easily, but having the restraining order already was pretty smart, I could have filed one when he was harassing me over the phone, or gone straight to the police with my bruises from that last "battle" but it's hard think that far ahead when you're in the smack middle of it.

"he can be extremely gentle and attentive, until he is not" oh boy I felt that. Either way I'm glad they got out early on, you did a great job.

That’s good. She might get spooked by a red flag.
They've been together for a year now, but we'll see how much longer it lasts.

Yep… He told me that one of his exes ghosted him like leaving without a sign while they were living together, I should have perceived something wasn’t going right. He described her as unstable and so and so. I bought it. Now I think it was precisely the most appropriate way to get the f*ck out of there and that she might have been far more resourceful than he thought she was.
They do pick their victims it seems like, and when it doesn't go as planned they're suddenly the victim? Yikes

nevertheless HE’S the one DECIDING to use coercion and violence instead of another strategy. You can be the most apeshit crazy bitch and scream over his face at 90 dB, the right response is to leave and call the police, not to smack you on the ground and then kick you or whatever.
That's a fair and logical statement, I'll repeat that to myself whenever I deal with that self doubt again.

It’s very unlikely that she doesn’t get any taste of it. To abuse someone is very relieving, and actually some think even addictive.
Yeah it does get worse the longer you stay, more frequent. I wonder if it's self esteem issues from their part that's their drive?

(I researched my sorrow uh).
I did too.

No matter how annoying or bizarre you might be, reactions of others are their responsibility, not yours. Mine started to gilt me for things that were more and more absurd and anything eventually became a provocation for him. What a hell.
Oh yeah the "I can't find anything to give you shit for right now, so I'll make up some excuses"

I wonder how far in they live in that little world of theirs. Imagine being so sure of being a victim when they hurt everyone around them, it's absurd to say the least.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
That is certainly nice, he's currently pressing my brother for money, I've been talking to my partner and we are going through with it. My ex have been writing all kinds of nasty stuff about me on his twitter according to a couple of friends of mine, they tried to call him out on it, but he was all "I'm the victim here" yadda yadda.

Hopefully it'll put an end to this nightmare so I can finally move on and heal from it.


That was very brave of you, it could have gone south so very easily, but having the restraining order already was pretty smart, I could have filed one when he was harassing me over the phone, or gone straight to the police with my bruises from that last "battle" but it's hard think that far ahead when you're in the smack middle of it.

"he can be extremely gentle and attentive, until he is not" oh boy I felt that. Either way I'm glad they got out early on, you did a great job.


They've been together for a year now, but we'll see how much longer it lasts.


They do pick their victims it seems like, and when it doesn't go as planned they're suddenly the victim? Yikes


That's a fair and logical statement, I'll repeat that to myself whenever I deal with that self doubt again.


Yeah it does get worse the longer you stay, more frequent. I wonder if it's self esteem issues from their part that's their drive?


I did too.


Oh yeah the "I can't find anything to give you shit for right now, so I'll make up some excuses"

I wonder how far in they live in that little world of theirs. Imagine being so sure of being a victim when they hurt everyone around them, it's absurd to say the least.
I don’t know for yours, but for mine it was a blend of cptsd/bpd (diagnosed), longtime violent experiences as a kid + simultaneously having been raised with a sense of entitlement over women AND great expectations. If you look at closely enough, there are reasons for everything. The self esteem clash happened because feeling f*cked up, needing the care/attention of someone else while wanting to be fiercely independent and in control, having poor self image it also divulges into jealous paranoia with terrible dysregulated states, then assigning the pain of emotional states to you rather than the collection of the other reasons, therefore turning aggressive, which conveniently provides an exit to the discomfort and mental clash. And his method was to turn aggressive only towards one person and covering it up for the rest—so there was a consciousness of the wrongness of the thing but the reward of exploding or snapping is bigger than resisting it manifestly. Then from time to time, generally after a crisis that would lower the levels of anxiety, he had a window where he was determined to improve and felt horrible, and in these windows I believe he was sincere, that’s the most f*cked up part. As the situation advanced and he was more and more massively wrong, he ended up oscillating between rage and guilt, and not just between growing discomfort and release. So it got untenable really fast. Honestly it’s one of the definitions of hell, most of which he’s designed for himself. I don’t know if it’s a consolation, but I know for sure his internal world isn’t a good place to be. That’s how he can tell himself he’s a victim. Calling for compassion, but destroying it all around.

Knowing this hasn’t been useful in the relationship though.

For the police it wasn’t even me at first. Paramedics called it and the police corps decided to charge on the base of their statement. Then I also made one. And I have to say, it’s the police officer that talked me through for 2 days convincing me it was the right thing to make a statement. I think that guy had some ideas about psychology.

At the end I learned a few things about the human mind during all this mess. I guess you too. But it’s the hard method though. And being completely reactive and scared by everything after doesn’t let you express your findings very well.
 
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