Want To Barf

[Chava]

I don't know what's going on. I'm not sick but my back is really uncomfortable and I want to barf to get everything in there out (this makes no sense, I realize, but I've been working on some forceful exhales). Nothing about my sleep has changed by I wake up with a headache every day and my upper back is really cranky. It's constant trying to figure out how to just be comfortable. It was a joyless day. I've been taking really good care of myself but feels like god is stomping on me (if there is a god).

I'm going to do some resistance work and pilates. My little ball posture, wanting to hurl, is not helping me.

Seems like I'm just feeling impatient to "fix" all this fast since I might not be able to afford therapy after we switch insurance companies. I'm bodily over-whelmed, joyless, and what to barf up everything I haven't been able to release yet....like just get it out of here now! f*ck

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I've been out of therapy for a year and I'm still okay, so don't worry before the facts :)
There are lots of things you can do and it actually sounds like you are already doing them. I get the wanting to hurl sensation a lot too. When I feel like that I do some beginner yoga or some kundalini meditation...

Maybe you can do some neck yoga for the headache. It helped me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava. You've been on my mind over the long weekend. Have you ever looked into getting tested for gluten intolerance? You could try not eating grains and see what happens.

 

[Hope4Now]

I so get the wanting to barf it all out feeling. I have a compulsion to rid my body of all the physical and emotional pain and chaos. Sometimes movement helps, sometimes music. Mostly just sleep
When I can get it. System is so exhausted. Am sending you healing and positive energy.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

You sound like me! I have a bad upper back and neck and headaches too, and my stomach is upset in the morning. Upper back muscle tension from stress causes my headaches. Keep in mind my lower spine is fused with rods, so that amplifies things. Physical therapy, chiropractor, and somatic experiencing trauma therapy help with mind/body stuff for me. I'm still working on it.

For your bed, look into a memory foam mattress topper, I got one for $99 if you can afford it it's worth if your mattress isn't good and cheaper than a new mattress, or put plywood under the mattress. And try sleeping with a pillow under your knees on your back, or between your knees on your side. This helps with spinal alignment, I sometimes need this years after my surgery but that's how they had me sleep when I was recovering. Also, for a few minutes during the day, try laying on a neck pillow or a nerf football under your neck on the floor with a pillow under your legs. This can give some relief. Painkillers can mess up my stomach, so I prefer a menthol gel on the sore muscles (feels like icy hot without the hot part just the icy part).

Also, my trauma therapist mentioned that the upset stomach thing can have to do with drops in blood sugar. Eating a little snack before bed, and guzzling a glass of water first thing in the morning with another small snack, can help your stomach make it through the night. The snack needs to be yogurt, fruit, nuts, granola, something with protein/sugar. My stomach has been better since I started the snack thing, though it is still hard to eat full meals sometimes.

When your back hurts, my chiropractor says the best exercise is walking and biking. Low impact. Or elliptical trainer without the arm things. Don't lift weights! I find that LOTS of walking is best. Walk somewhere you like to go, especially outside, so you help your back and also your mental state. Bring someone with you if walking alone is scary where you live.

Not everything I said may be relevant I just wanted to spill out everything I've done that works. Hopefully some of this can help you. Anyways you have my understanding and sympathy.

 

[Chava]

Thanks everyone. I had to barf but I slept well...okay I took 2 sleeping pills, but I woke up on my side in some position that didn't make my head worse. I'm not going to reinforce the double sleeping pill thing or barfing thing. I just have to acknowledge and under current of stress, without thinking about it much, just doing my regular stuff and things that help de-stress (just went for a good walk). @Hope4Now I get that reaction to just throw up and empty myself of all uncomfortable feelings or stress, not very often (used to be pretty regular, so glad for some improvement there). I was never bulimic in the normal sense but sometimes chugged water and chain smoked a few cigs just to make myself throw up...I feel like I shouldn't talk about this in much detail...or at least note that it's a version of self-injury that had a calming effect on me.

@KwanYingirl I don't have gluten troubles, but I eat very little processed foods and have made a better effort to cut the remaining possibly inflammatory foods out of my diet recently (whole grains instead of white bread ever) and eat more anti-inflammatory foods. And less sugar. It does help with the headache stuff, I think especially cutting out sugar. But in spite of eating super clean the headache and upper back ache has persisted. Probably bad hormone adjustment and stress. I'm trying really hard to take good care of myself because I know it makes everything easier, but it also feels like giving up my stronger past coping skills (starving, chain smoking, not sleeping) before always knowing how to replace them. So I'm stressed without really acknowledging it. I think some of the pain connects to that. And there is probably some right balance....I really can't have a meltdown, but I also can't have nothing but pain.

Anyway, today is better but I feel joyless and that's draining.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My medical background plus leaning toward more Eastern theories of wellness, your difficulties intrigue me. Don't get me wrong, I have empathy for you and have cared for many people who struggle with these chronic migrations of pain throughout the structure and function of the body. Anytime I hear a woman's on hormones, the hair on my arms stands up. Do you know if you are taking bio identical hormones? Can you find out? Switching to a bio identical compound can relieve side effects so that their purpose can actually do what is needed in the system. Just a thought. I send you wishes of improved mood and wellness. Are you out in East Bumf#*k? When I developed chemical intolerance Western medicine had zilch to help me. Acupuncture and nutraceuticals and Chinese herbs got me back to life. I still go down when exposed to fumes for a few days. I chug whole leaf aloe and it stops the allergic response. If the body ain't happy, ain't nothing happy. Hang in there.

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl
I QUIT all artificial hormones, including the implanted f*ckers!!! In a way, I am very glad I tried, was patient several months before switching to something else, always going through more hell. So now I know none of them are an option...I tried everything possibly safe. Oddly went to the ER too many times in my months on that shit. Next option is laparoscopy and I know we've chatted about that. I'm not ruling it out. The only thing we know via ultrasound is the hormone situation is way off. The only thing a laparoscopy would tell me is what outside my uterus might be causing that, if anything. But the hormone hell coincided with having to recover from anorexia (many many years underweight), so I'm pretty sure it's an endocrine issue...my body just should have adjusted and never did. But even when I was starved all the time I sensed an energy I couldn't handle, so subdued myself via restriction. Starving was doing something for me, but of course it had its own negative side effects. :grumpy:

Anyway, that's also when the pain stuff started. Before then, I felt nothing. NOTHING. Happily disembodied!! It's like I started having some normal human body cues, like hunger, and all the internal information went bat shit. I've been semi-flooded since...either panic, pain, or feeling depressed (people who say "just eat" have no f#cking clue). I feel like I am slowly coming out of the mood stuff, but the hormone part isn't good because cramping pain sends me into meltdowns and aggravates the other body pains.

I know you've also mentioned acupuncture and I did look that up again too...I'm warming up to it, I swear, slowly. Lately I've been trying a nutritional over-haul (less sugar, more hormone-friendly and anti-inflammatory whole foods), and trying to get in more gentle exercise. I really want something alternative to work so I don't have to be knocked out and filled with gas. I'm really nervous about the therapy-insurance thing too. My therapist mentioned something about underlying hormone disruptions from trauma throwing things off possible....I tried to learn about how estrogen is produced by adrenaline (that's probably not right...it's so confusing to me) and asked my doctor if I should see an endocrinologist, but she referred me to ob/gyn instead. And that has sucked. I hid in the bathroom for half an hour after my last appointment because I'm SO SICK OF IT. I've heard that acupuncture can help with cramp pain but can it also somehow help with deeper system/hormone imbalance somehow? Sorry I'm such a snail...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Acupuncture can help anything. It worked wonders for me. I also belong to a support group for medical personnel poisoned by gluteraldehyde and holy shit do we suffer from the forever effects of that. The vast majority of us couldn't get off the couch until we started Acupuncture. There's another modality called NAET. Sorry don't know too much about it. Still others use homeopathy.

You sound like us. Multi system dysfunction. Knowing our endocrine glands were haywire but never getting anywhere with Western Medicine. Integrating Eastern healing with meditation helped even the worse of us.

If you're getting back talk from your body remembering your trauma and screaming to be heard, well, I can just say give it a try. A thousand years of success counts for something. It does take time to get energy fields reopened, it quite literally saved my life. I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and have you free from pain. My massage therapist is a CSA survivor and can't tolerate getting massage (ironic!). She has back pain, pelvic pain, food sensitivities and she swears by acupuncture for relief from it. In the meantime you have been doing some somatic work right? How's that coming along?

 

[Chava]

Good to know @KwanYingirl ...will definitely try acupuncture before laparoscopy. Even if there is something in there offsetting hormones (I just doubt it), I feel like I need a tiny bit more stability, resilience, time away from pain to go through with it without wanting to set myself on fire. I know it's an easy procedure but I'm too hyper-sensitive. My therapist can't even lightly touch my back. My body is just tired and on edge. BUT now that I'm out of the fake hormone circus, the non-stop-every-day cramping has subsided and I'm lowering my pain killer dose and tolerating some different stretching for my back. I feel like therapy would be more useful if I weren't on pain meds. But also I can't go every week because of the scheduling and now feel a little hesitant about insurance and financial uncertainties.

I had a lot of subtle shaking in my back and whole torso region (like a little earthquake) at my last session, and it helps to just feel supported in laying down and noticing what's going on, without having to fix it necessarily or having anyone messing with me. I've been able to do a little better stretching (requires laying down and allowing myself to just slow down for a bit). It seems too simple, but I've had a hard time laying down and resting those muscles properly because when I lay down I feel like I'm levitating or the muscles are pulling me off the ground...the tension almost becomes worse. So there is no way to "let go." That's sort of what I'm working on. Lots of warm tingly feelings in my back and arms when it works a little bit, so probably bits of stuck energy releasing. Last time I had a good massage (I really left feeling very good) I woke up at about 3am and wanted to DESTROY myself. I would hope the unblocking would be more subtle in acupuncture, right? Releasing tiny bits feels good, but too much seems to induce panic and total depersonalization.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Right Acupuncture is a gentle process that takes time. I did have a mini breakdown during one of my treatments and I was really trembling. She put me on my back and placed a needle at my third eye. It was instant relief. Oriental medicine definitely gets the mind body connection. If I could afford it, I'd get a treatment every month.

 

[Chava]

I think it's actually pretty cheap where I'm at, but it's that "community" thing. Should I send her separate note about trauma (no details really and I'm not super worried but I do need gentle, gradual pain relief because I belief my pain is containing stuff for me), pain and hormone stuff as heads up?

Third eye is great. I can place a couple fingers over the bridge of my nose, sort of touching my eyes, and one on the third eye point, and sort of settle a boiling panic attack if I can recognize it at the right time.