One thing I've noticed is that a lot of people don't understand the clinical definitions of depression, apathy, lethargic, etc.
Take lethargic (just to pull as an example something that isn't close to home). In babies and children... The clinical definition is rag doll. You pick them up and their arms and legs and head are completely floppy. They cannot move on their own, sometimes not even facial expression or finger twitches. Awake (usually), and all but completely paralyzed. Not that they're only walking around the playground instead of running like they usually do, or want to stay in bed asleep. It's terrifying for a parent to have a truly lethargic child, and usually enrages them when the clinician notes 'lethargic' (I've had to witness a number of violent exchanges over just this example). Because in the parent's mind, before they come across true lethargy & grok it? It means walking instead of running, being a little run down, maybe coming down with a cold and wanting to be in bed, but can be prodded up to get dressed, brush their teeth, etc. Not OMG! What's wrong with my child?!? They're completely floppy & unable to lift their head, hold my hand as they lay here, or answer me!
True lethargy is rare in normal-people-lives. They may never come across it for real, or maybe once or twice. In a doctor's life? Dozens of times a week do they have floppy rag doll (lethargic) children brought in. It doesn't scare them though, it informs them.
So I suspect you may be running across a 3 pronged issue
- Your own view of depression & sadness prior to feeling this way
- Your friends/family view of depression & sadness
- Clinical awareness of true depression & sadness
Yep. Depression can feel exactly as you describe. It can also feel better, and much, much worse. And I'm sure your therapist understands what you're describing (mild to moderate depression), as long as they're not complete morons. Your friends? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on their own experience with depression. (Like with parents & True Lethargy vs moving slow kinda maybe sick "lethargy").
Does the mild to moderate descriptor tick you off? If so... Good. Being able to feel anything is a good sign. Wanting to stay in bed and cry all day, and still able to drag yourself to therapy or the doctors... doesn't mean you aren't depressed. It does, however, place you on a scale of mild-moderate-severe.
Mild to moderate depression is hard freaking enough. You really don't want to wake up living on the street &/or in a hospital in 18months, because you slept through 6 months of bills, were evicted, and simply didn't care enough to do anything more than move a few blocks and go to sleep against a wall. Haven't bathed in months, have been raped a ton and whatever who cares cause you sure don't you don't care about anything, eat when someone puts food in front of you, and have basically lost the entire past year when you start to come out of the severe depression into moderate depression. (Where a lot of people simply kill themselves, because now they have the energy to do so).
Just because it can be much worse, doesn't mean if it were worse your doc & therapist would be freaking out. They see the whole spectrum, on a fairly regular basis. Again, like lethargy, it informs them... Rather than scaring them. What it means, being placed on the scale at mild to moderate? That you aren't committed against your will. That you have a say in your medication & treatment. That there is a whole lotta hope that with hard work you will be able to continue to take care of yourself and get better. Even attempted suicides (moderate to severe) are only remanded for a few days, unless they're determined to be severely depressed (incapable of caring for themselves & a risk to everyone around them for an indefinite period of time).
Mild to moderate depression is serious. It puts you at risk for suicide, job loss, child engagement or neglect -if you're a parent-, a broken home or divorce -if you're married/partnered-, and a whole lot of other not fun stuff. It needs to be treated. But you're still capable of participating in your treatment. And still capable of living on your own. Good things, yes. In a bleak place.
