Wanting To Feel Loved

[Hope4Now]

I hear you, JEK. The longing is always there for me even though I'm surrounded by family and friends and there's no shortage of hugs. It's really "holding" that we're looking for. The safe stuff that our parents were supposed to give us and that might have allowed our brains to develop differently. We can't replace the lack of that, but the science seems to be showing we can meet the need in other ways. I loved what you said, @Leigh925 because I'm having a similar experience. There's an element of "holding" when a therapist and client are attuned. It feels really good and maybe will let me consider the possibility that I'm worthy of being loved just as I am, and that love can be safe. Bessel van der Kolk's new book, The Body Keeps the Score, actually acknowledges the importance of comforting and safe physical touch to healing people stuck in trauma. He's one of the only mainstream writers on trauma that addresses this head-on and provides the neurological basis for it. He also talks about many other ways to help fill that need for safety. It's worth a read.

 

[Leigh925]

@hope for now I loved the Body Keeps the Score. My therapist actually recommended it because he very much practices along those lines.

If you liked that book I am sure you would really appreciate "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller.

In The Body Keeps the Score the author refers to Dr. Hellers work on healing trauma through regulating the nervous system as well as typical therapeutic approaches.

For me it was fascinating because the trauma I have from neglect is much stronger for me than the trauma I experienced from being sexually molested or raped.

I craved safe human touch.

There is a specific chapter about a woman named Emma who was quite dissociative like me and it details her two years of therapy using NeuroAffective touch. It was a powerful read for me.

There are many who have had the same traumas as me that couldn't tolerate this kind of therapy because they have such an aversion to touch but I craved it and have used massage in conjunction with my therapy and saw a drastic improvement when I added it.

Anyway...if you lean in that direction it helps you understand yourself and also made me feel less crazy for longing so much for that.

Both are available on kindle and definitely worth the read.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve I hope you are feeling some better today! I noticed I especially feel this way at bedtime....when most kids would be getting tucked in. It is definitely not the same as having someone do it for you but I have been trying to tuck myself in with a hot cocoa and a bedtime story and my bear!