Waves Of Emotions

[ashdawn8287]

I haven't wrote lately. I love writing as much as a hate it. It's a bittersweet relationship, but it does help. I guess I haven't had much to say.

I try not to be defective. I try to be whole. It really is a bunch of teeny tiny steps that takes forever. I keep fighting my thoughts so when am I going to be able to really show that? When am I going to have one day that my mind doesn't fly to the most outrageous conclusions known to human? It's like one little reminder or trigger has me spiraling and tripping down the stairs landing in the worst case scenrio just to find out that I shouldn't have walked by the stairs to begin with. Then when all is said and done I am humiliated. I have been more aware of this more than ever but I am still trying to find a balance. I have strong reactions to things I shouldn't. One trigger sets of a catastrophic wave of a emotions and it takes me awhile to get back on track. I am better at not projecting it into the world and at my close people, but it's still in me and doesn't really know where to go. I guess that is part of finding myself and that balance word that I have never been good at.

It's like an up and down roller coaster battle everyday. Some days are better than others. Staying on a semi routine has helped. I have to constantly reassure myself and find a way to snap back and ground myself so I don't go there. I'm not really sure where there is, but I space out like a zombie and my thoughts just scatter through my mind. A million things at once. It's like trying to convince myself to not think so I focus on my senses. I have gotten into the habit of spacing out so much that it's hard to break.

My days are a lot less stressful. I have managed to do small tasks every day and just incorporated working out today. I no longer feel like my life is overwhelming. I know it's not much but a lot of energy gets sucked out of me because of the PTSD. I look back on a year ago and I see myself now more than ever. And it's not so bad.

I'm still not where I want to be, but I am growing and can feel it and I am not taking any steps backwards. I may fall down for a day or so but you bet your sweet ass I will get right back up. I always do. It might take me longer to get to where I want to be, but I think I will enjoy the journey.

I have been trying to be myself and just doing it rather than thinking it through. I've been a lot siller than I have been in a long time. I'm starting to see what works for me by trail and error I guess you could say. I'm still uncomfortable in public the majority of the time, but it is something I plan to work on soon. I think I am going to buy a couple books about talking and being in public and really give it a try. I am still at home a lot doing little routine things and I think it is time to start moving out into the world slowly, I need to really face that fear because it is holding me back. I am thinking about seeing if I can't join an organization of some sort.

My greatest strength and weakness is that I care too much. I have to find a good place to put all that care and stop letting little things get to me.

I have no idea where I am going or where I will end up. But I am taking back control of my life. One teeny tiny step at a time. Although I still think I am going crazy half the time and I still get symptoms I am trying my best. I do have set backs, I am not perfect, nobody is.

Can anyone else relate?

 

[snappy_turtle]

Can anyone else relate?

Heck yes, I can relate! The waves of emotion also get exhausting for our close ones to observe. My problem is that I do all of these things but I verbalize it to my supporter and I forget that sometimes he gets tired of having to hear about it or be riding these waves with me; especially since he is such a grounded person all the time. He says he gets confused with my waves often. Heck, I do, too!!

 

[franciemarnie]

I just love this post. I soooooo relate.

I especially like how you wrote an honest appraisal- the ups as well as the downs. The growth, small though it may seem sometimes but in the long run, looking back - so much has been accomplished, so much is better than it was - if I am honest.

Sometimes I get impatient, but it's the nature of the beast we are dealing with. We heal as fast as we heal and no faster. It has its own timing. Course it doesn't ever go as fast as I like, but if I continue to do the next right thing, a year from now I will look back and see how far I've come.

Yay us!!!!

 

[dms]

Hello Ashdawn!

 

[learnin2liveagain]

Yes, I relate!! Down to the family doesn't understand the changes in me. How I am now... not being able to do those things that I would have done before. It's a constant struggle to make it through the day... at times I feel impossible! I've tried moving out into the world again only to end up in the ER with a major panic attack which symptoms were more of a heart attack! I have looked back to see how I have progressed ... only to see that it wasn't as far as I had planned. I just wonder if the magic day will ever arrive where I can just pick up where I was and move on threw this madness.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I hate the whole family thing. Everyone keeps saying, "you're not the same." Well yeah family I have been through hell and I am healing. Nobody gets it. I honestly stay away from that noise and surround myself with the people who get the whole healing thing.

Its hard with my fiancée though. He had a picture perfect childhood and can't relate but the worst part is he thinks his fight with his brother when he was 8 equals the stuff I've been through. It frustrates me.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Hello DMS!