Ways to meet the need for safe touch?

[Esip]

I don't believe that safe touch exists.

You can't touch someone without hurting or sexually assaulting them?

 

[Ffyhfg]

You can't touch someone without hurting or sexually assaulting them?

Some questions make me want to scream.

This accusatory one falls in that category.

No touch feels safe to me.

 

[Odoco]

Some questions make me want to scream.

This accusatory one falls in that category.

No touch feels safe to me.

I agree, that question was uncalled for. I understood what you meant by your statement and I'm sorry someone asked such an accusatory question like that. We all are effected in our own ways by our traumas. For you, no touch feels safe. For me, I have always felt like I needed safe touch but there was very little touch I received that was safe. It's actually part of why I blame myself for being sexually abused as a child, my desire to be loved and feel special (including appropriate touch). Unfortunately, the only time I was "loved" or "special" was when I was being abused. It was all I existed for to them. That need to be loved and touched in a non-sexual way is still very strong for me, so I'd like to find healthy ways to meet those needs.

 

[Vufo]

It feels horrible to be accused of being a predator, especially by someone who is hiding behind an anonymous mask. Seriously, this is making me cry! I hope people think in the future before they say things like this. It is not nice to ask questions of other sufferers akin to "are you a rapist?" Or "are you a child molestor?" Or "do you assault everyone you meet?" Not cool.

 

[Odoco]

And thank you to everyone for the helpful suggestions. I've only had a massage once, at a place in a mall, and it was horrible. It was so painful and the guy didn't seem to care I was in pain and didn't stop (I asked him to several times) until I was screaming and crying in pain. I have been to scared to go to one since. I might go to someone else to try it again, but it would have to be a female and I'd have to know that she would stop anytime I ask her to.

I would not feel comfortable fulfilling any kind of need for touch through interacting with a child. I have children of my own and I hug them, comfort them when upset, swim with them, etc but I very consciously try to make sure I do not try to meet my need for safe touch through my kids or any other children for that matter. They can ask me for a hug anytime they want, but I would never want them to feel like they had to hug me, if that makes sense. It would just feel so wrong to me, I would be too much like my abusers, and I could not live with that. So that's not an option.

I am not in shape physically, so any kind of dance, sport, or other physical activity probably wouldn't work for me. I'd be too self-conscious.

I wish there were professional huggers :) Like someone you could go to and just be like "I need a hug" or "can you just hold me for a while so I can cry?" I think I would seriously pay for that right now (but it would have to be someone I trusted).

 

[Odoco]

It feels horrible to be accused of being a predator, especially by someone who is hiding behind an anonymous mask. Seriously, this is making me cry! I hope people think in the future before they say things like this. It is not nice to ask questions of other sufferers akin to "are you a rapist?" Or "are you a child molestor?" Or "do you assault everyone you meet?" Not cool.

Yes, that is horrible. Again, I am so sorry someone made such a horrible comment. Try to remember that it is a reflection of them not of you. I don't know why someone would think that was okay, it isn't. That is a very mean and cruel thing to say to anyone, especially a fellow sufferer. Having been sexually abused and raped myself, I would be very upset and hurt if someone accused me of such things.

 

[Fojomag]

Meet The Woman Who Cuddles With Strangers For $60 An Hour
It seems there really IS such a thing as a professional hugger. Who knew?

 

[Esip]

This accusatory one falls in that category.

It wasn't accusatory. I know safe touch exists, in part, because I can touch people safely.

I don't believe that safe touch exists.

Which would mean that, full stop, it doesn't exist.

It's called challenging the thought, people.

If you've gotten offended because of course you're not a predator!!! Then you've just successfully found one instance, and one person, where touch is safe.

Try and find some more.

 

[Jovos]

It wasn't accusatory. I know safe touch exists, in part, because I can touch people safely.



Which would mean that, fu...

I'm not going to argue with you.

Congrats, you win.

 

[Jovos]

It wasn't accusatory. I know safe touch exists, in part, because I can touch people safely.



Which would mean that, fu...

No, wait.

You don't get it.

Instead of thinking that no touch feels safe to me, you jump immediately into thinking I'm predatory. Instead of asking for clarification you just assume. This is NOT challenging my thoughts! I can be 1 MILLION percent NOT a predator but still feel that there is no safe touch. Please stop framing this as "challenging my thoughts" when it is you who cannot understand why someone would never feel safe with any kind of touch, even good touch. This is so triggery to me that I'm out. Just tired of people always blaming the other person and taking no responsibility for their own words. This is what my abusers did to me. Blamed me for not being tough enough!

 

[Cofiru]

@jovos - this is a tough subject for you and you are understandably feeling reactive around it.

Asking a question in order to point out a different way of looking at a problem - which is what happened here - is effective for some members on this forum.

You weren't accused of being a predator. But I understand how you got to that thought. I'm not pointing this out to tell you that you are wrong, or your feelings are wrong - more, just to remind you that not all advice you get here will be something you like, or respond to, or want. Take what's useful and leave the rest.

 

[Ija]

I NEVER said you were a predator. Ever. Other posters have jumped on that and assumed my motivation is some horrible cruel thing. When it isn't. It wasn't. First chance I had to explain what my actual motivation was, I did.

Instead of thinking that no touch feels safe to me, you jump immediately into thinking I'm predatory

No. Again. That wasn't what I was thinking.

Instead of asking for clarification you just assume

I DID ask for clarification. Everyone else has assumed I was accusing you. I was not. Again.

when it is you who cannot understand why someone would never feel safe with any kind of touch, even good touch.

More assumptions on your part, also wrong.

At a certain time in my life?

- I couldn't even bear to touch myself, because touch was that unsafe feeling. With loads of proof backing it up, because I was self harming like a motherf*cker. More proof because every single part of my body hurt, so even completely innocent touch or movement was underscored with don't do it! level pain. I'm not talking touch myself sexually. I'm talking even once I was long healed? I couldn't even bear accidentally brush my hand on my legs pulling up my trousers, or to rub my eyes when tired. I still have a habit of wiping my face on my shouler/sleeve or arm of the chair, and it's been ages since touch painful at every level. Everything about me was disgusting, revolting, painful, and wrong. I hated myself. I hurt myself. I didn't trust myself. I couldn't bear to even look at myself, much less touch myself.

- Touching other people? I was terrified of hurting them. My answer to my own question would have been: "Assaulting, yes. Sexually assaulting, no." I couldn't bear even the idea that I might hurt them.

- Other people touching me? No f*cking way.

It was a really hard & difficult thing to work through.

And it started with people challenging me, and me challenging myself. Drilling down to what exactly was true, what felt true but wasn't, and what was completely untrue. I could make a fist. I could cross my legs. I could press my lips together. Baby steps. Add more things. Piece by piece, and bit by bit. Until my own touch was safe. Until other people's touch was varying degrees of safe.

You -and others- have assumed a LOT about me, based off of a single question.

I explained myself once, & you chose to not only disbelieve me, but add onto your assumptions with more of them and run with them. That's not me.

Sure, I may be a terrible person who deserves to die screaming, but touch not feeling safe? Something I do actually understand, having lived it my own self. Clearly, though, my solutions and yours are different. No way for me to have known that, but still, I am profoundly sorry for trying to help.