We Become What Our Parents Want Us To Be C-ptsd

[shimmerz]

And I am going to interject here....yes the voices of days past can be excruciating and relentless. But what of the things that were not voiced? The neglect that needed no words and that taught us we were unworthy from the get go? How do we realize these things when we can't recall the words as they were never spoken?

It took me 7 long years to put together that my body replaying a mini death was actually my body telling me that it was expected of me to die. 7 years? What are our bodies so blatantly telling us that we are not understanding the language of? I look at it now and say 'of course!'

Yesterday I was down all day because a glass shattered in the kitchen. First time I was down in days. I don't know what the glue is between glass shattering and my feeling I need to die - but hopefully will find it - but I feel that if I could just read the language a little better I can know the terms of engagement between my birth parents and numerous foster parents without having to know the story.

 

[RussH]

@shimmerz could it be possible that the neglect you suffered from your parents actually had no direct correlation with who you were, and are, as a person, and everything to do with their own failings and shortcomings.
In other words their neglect was not because you're not worthy of the attention, but because of their inability to give the care and attention that you needed, or deserved?
I honestly don't know, it is just a thought.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, absolutely that is true @RussH . I get that although my somatic responses over ride my executive functioning at this point. I feel like the part of me who feels like I deserve to live, eat, take care of myself etc is the part of me who is working through this and the other fragment - the one that still remembers what it is like to be hunted and stalked and trapped is the one that drives my body at this point.

It is in trying to cognitively see this and then emotionally releasing it (somehow) that I feel is the magic ticket here. I felt that about a week ago with my 'feeling the need to die' and that helped for a few days and now of course I seem to be thrown into something else that is in direct conflict with what my upper brain feels that I deserve for myself (aka better than what I was taught).

A great observation....thank you.

 

[RussH]

@shimmerz I think this is a case where it is not that you were undeserving, but rather they were undeserving of you.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, if only my central nervous system believed that....lol.

 

[Chava]

It took me 7 long years to put together that my body replaying a mini death was actually my body telling me that it was expected of me to die. 7 years? What are our bodies so blatantly telling us that we are not understanding the language of? I look at it now and say 'of course!'

This is sort of what it's about for me, in many ways. I think it's really, really hard to gain awareness or recognition of the stuff that isn't stored into adult-like verbal memory, and hard to even accept bits of implicit memory or other ways of knowing because we are so ingrained into our adult, analytical, logical, and verbal ways of explaining things. For me, this is how a somatic approach has been helpful...I had to get out of my head to get anywhere. I can analyze and work my cognitive brain to a highly articulated dead end.

That it might take years to understand this stuff is not bad! I think a lot of us think we are making our own choices when we don't realize we're actually in our own hamster wheel of sorts (and we think it might be good enough, or as good as it gets, because we're just used to it...instead of curious about these deeper connections and meanings). it's great you were able to make this connection. I have a lot of half-dead feelings that I'm not sure if they connect to that neglect/abandonment stuff or the medical stuff, because either/or is about basic survival for a little kid. I can't perfectly sort it out because of those memory and adult-brain issues that get in the way, but I'm getting better at feeling myself as trapped, deeply immobilized, or somehow gluing my past to my present...so finding ways to re-recognize my body and self in the present.

I hope you're doing better today @shimmerz

 

[shimmerz]

I think a lot of us think we are making our own choices when we don't realize we're actually in our own hamster wheel of sorts

This is such a great way to express this @Chava. Thank you. I myself can only see the 'death' part and how it relates but I am certain there is much more there for me. You mentioned that you had 'dead parts' and I wonder what you might mean by that if you are willing or able to expand upon that.

And yes, thank you, I am feeling much better today. Thanks so much for the good wishes.

 

[Chava]

I can't explain the half-dead feeling, but it's a good question. Just comes from a sort of disconnected place for me. I can't describe the feelings. But partly it feels scary to feel really good and alive sometimes, feels "normal" to have pain somewhere, to feel too tired, to feel like I'm exhausted and at the end of my rope, barely hanging on. I felt this for years with eating disorder behaviors, just sustaining this half-death feeling. You'd think I'd know better but this is really hard to get around. I'm trying. I feel like I'm living more and not slowly dying...eating well, allowing myself a life, but it feels like someone will find out and knock me down or remind me that life isn't for me, like I somehow snuck by or cheated some death game.

If I can figure out anything specific (it's pretty murky), my back is a separate or disowned part sometimes, or a version of myself that can't settle down. I don't even know if somatic dissociation is a thing, but it's like that sometimes. It lets me go about my day being pretty normal, low-key, consistent, etc...but there might be all kinds of hell in a group of muscles that nobody can see (some icky spasms today). I don't know if it's related to some physical abuse, early problems with my lungs or air escaping into my back, or just a general protective thing. If the pain is really bad I have a meltdown, but most days I'm used to some pain. When I have more compassion for myself I'm better at doing helpful things, like laying down and resting or stretching. But when it feels like a part I don't want to deal with, I ignore it and only sense ongoing mild pain coming from a sort of separated place. I don't totally get it, but the regional pain is maybe my new, improved half-dead place that doesn't involve my entire self. I'm trying to keep awareness and just stay present with most of myself. Little steps.

Glad you're feeling better today.

 

[ghotiff]

I can analyze and work my cognitive brain to a highly articulated dead end

This summarizes my concern with therapy. For now there is a lot to analyse but I can already sense that there are things that are too deep and non-verbal. Scary.

Thanks for the thread.

 

[shimmerz]

I liked to think of therapy as a way of learning coping mechanisms so that I could better deal with terrors, look at things that were happening in the now and see my skewed responses to them, learn strategies for hyper vigilance and so on. Talk as you say @ghotiff does not address the pre-verbal stuff. A woman counselor and also my shaman worked on my core belief systems. EFT was great for that as well.

She used to say to me that you can look at a forest and take down the saplings (which are usually the issues that are remembered (my father used to push me around for example) or you could look at that forest and focus on the huge trees, that when felled, would take out a whole ton of the saplings. This is what I found her work with belief systems to be really effective with.

 

[Chava]

but I can already sense that there are things that are too deep and non-verbal. Scary.

I can't sense my back as connected to the rest of myself, but today in therapy it felt like it was talking to my hands, and my hands could use a sort of spontaneous sign language to express a bit of the situation in my back. Sounds weird, for sure, but it's the most I've been able to communicate from that painful and disconnected place. My adult verbal language can't do that...that area of my brain is not connected to this stuff. My hunch is those areas weren't even "on line" during original trauma (whether pre-verbal, unconscious, intubated, or just bad trauma brain shutdown...but feels extremely mute, hard to talk even after I come back to "normal"). If I ever make sense of it in normal language, I assume it will be after the stuff and my reaction to it is mostly resolved.

 

[ghotiff]

My hunch is those areas weren't even "on line" during original trauma (whether pre-verbal, unconscious, intubated, or just bad trauma brain shutdown...but feels extremely mute

Yes. This is what it feels to me also. I have noticed in therapy how when things get too intense I will subconsciously slow down (or stop) my breathing. I only realize when my vision has gone dark. I think this is a form of self imposed disassociation and I think I was rarely fully present during the abuse. Another reason why my memories of it are of such isolated pieces.