We Become What Our Parents Want Us To Be C-ptsd

[ms spock]

But what of the things that were not voiced? The neglect that needed no words and that taught us we were unworthy from the get go? How do we realize these things when we can't recall the words as they were never spoken?

I find this stuff challenging.

 

[shimmerz]

I recognize that some of my worst traumas (a life threatening operation at 4 days old and subsequent abuse that is not suitable to repeat due to their horrors) were put upon me before I had a recognition of my body at all. I notice with my grandchildren that they (even at 6 and 1 month of age respectively) are getting used to their bodies. This may seem obvious to most but when I watch them and overlay my experiences at that age I can now easily see why I am not at all in tune with my body. I was not given the proper time to 'get into' my body while the traumas were happening. It is fascinating to watch an infant who is able to have the time without interruption to do so.

Norman Doidge speaks extensively of brain mapping during these critical times. If my own little self was in survival mode at this critical time then when was my body given the time to 'map' during infancy? This, I believe is why I feel no pain, have little or no attachment to feeding needs, hot and cold, or discomfort in the body.

So yes, I can feel how that would feel 'dead' to me and I thank you all for bringing this up as it puts some very large pieces together for me.

At this point I intellectualize my feelings for instance of feeling hot or cold. I am never cold but I ask the question differently now to get to whether I should dress more warmly by asking myself - could I be warmer as opposed to the regular question that is oftentimes asked of me which is 'Aren't you cold?'. No. I am never cold. But could I be warmer? Now that seems to trigger in my brain that yes, perhaps a coat is a good idea. Eating, the same thing. people ask me all the time - aren't you hungry? Um, no, I am never hungry. But when they ask me when the last time I ate was and don't I think that my body may need some form of fuel - that speaks to me. It still feels ridiculous to eat when I am not hungry - but am trying to get over that.

Perhaps it is the lack of brain mapping that makes one feel 'dead' in that area. An inaccessibility to identify key human needs.

 

[shimmerz]

I can't sense my back as connected to the rest of myself, but today in therapy it felt like it was talking to my hands, and my hands could use a sort of spontaneous sign language to express a bit of the situation in my back.

My back is a enigma as well. I find my diaphragm literally stops and this leads to passing out issues. When you speak of your hands and sign language it makes perfect sense to me. I actually had a shaman journey me in this way and my hands 'spoke' during the entire journey. This sounds like it is really great work @Chava.

I think a ton of us try not to go to the 'it doesn't make sense place', but just because our bodies speak in ways that we have not be taught conventionally, it does not mean that it is meaningless or crazy.

@ghotiff, my vision starts to go as well. I notice if predominantly in the left eye. I know something ishappening when it starts to get foggy. This is really interesting and thank you for bringing it up because I had a feeling it had something to do with a 'cue' that there was something going on trauma wise and your words help me to validate that.

 

[ghotiff]

I knew of my vision "problems" way before I realised that it was related to my lack of oxygen. I can't yet get myself to consciously breathe in this mode but I am learning to notice it. Small steps.

In case it helps you....I know it's trauma because now o notice it more often sometimes i can tell myself to breathe ...but my body still refuses to do it. That's when I know it's a deliberate "thing" from my body.

 

[Chava]

@ghotiff ...I can't focus on my breathing much (it's actually gotten a lot easier though). All that mindfulness stuff about coming back to breath...panic attack! But I've had helpful and open-minded teachers direct me to focus on sounds or my body or posture, something else to keep me present. I just can't sit still. :eek: I also realized that I can't really "notice" my back if I'm simultaneously breathing at all. I don't know if breathing is distracting or if the mess in there is really related to breathing problems. Aside from my hands wanting to speak for my back, they also wanted to create a sort of oxygen mask. Feels safe. I was okay letting go of that but relaxing my jaw (sort of reminiscent of intubation)...that was hard to do, but worked out okay this last time.

I think the hard part is staying open to this sort of stuff without trying to assign meaning too quickly...but allow our bodies to either work through places where we have been stuck or experience something close but in a safer context with the abilities to respond differently (and thus "rewire" stuff...or something like that). My back is better today but cramping is a b+tch. I don't know what a pain-free day feels like anymore. But at least I'm not having a meltdown over it lately.

 

[shimmerz]

All that mindfulness stuff about coming back to breath...panic attack!

Thank you @Chava! I haven't met anyone who has mentioned this before. I am sitting here just processing all of the times that people disrespected me when I couldn't breathe - for just that reason. I knew if I breathed there was a huge number of flashbacks and panic attack coming. So I held it in. So validating. Thank you.

 

[ghotiff]

Yes for me too. I keep being encouraged to meditate (as it's now the trendy solution to everything) but even thinking about meditating affects me negatively.

So validating.

My T has asked me to every day listen in to my body and notice if I can feel and label something (eg tense/cold etc). Just doing that can be tricky but mostly it's okay.

 

[shimmerz]

@ghotiff - my shaman helped me quite a bit with this idea of listening to my body. i just couldn't identify. So instead of labelling it as 'something' I labelled it as different. For example, my eyes felt 'different' than usual. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but all I needed to know was that there was a difference. Not sure if it helps but it has opened things up for me.

BTW, meditation is not a good thing to do if it doesn't call to you. You can get lost in meditation or go places that we just are not ready for. Don't worry about what others are telling you is good for you. Follow your instincts. I have meditated and gotten myself into a whack of trouble. It has been guided - so someone was there thank god, but on your own. I don't suggest it if it doesn't call to you.

 

[ghotiff]

So instead of labelling it as 'something' I labelled it as different. For example

Thanks. In hindsight I don't think my T was pointing to labeling, but I was. "Different" would be much simpler and it has no positive or negative tags.

As always @shimmerz your insights are invaluable.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

They needed something to blame, so I became the problem.:(

Mine just blamed each other and used the kids as cannon fodder.

Did I turn out like my mother? No, I fought back, that was that last thing my mother expected or wanted - I turned out more like my father! :)

 

[Eleanor]

"Don't go down that road with me."

This. I need THIS now. With my H. I know his scripts. I recognize them right off. Maybe this is the "pattern interrupt" I can use, more to get me disengaged than him at this point but still....

I seem to have missed a bunch of posts in this thread originally. Interesting... Gappy...

 

[scout86]

@Eleanor , he came up with stuff like that all the time. I used to just look at him and think, "You can DO that? Holy cow, who knew?" LOL It changed my whole way of thinking, and all he was doing was being who he was. What else is kind of interesting is that that was the "pre-PTSD" version of him. After, he was noticeably different and he seemed to struggle with this kind of stuff.