We Become What Our Parents Want Us To Be C-ptsd

[shimmerz]

In speaking to my Shaman and women's counselor as well as a confirmation of my trauma doctor, and through observations of my own experiences it has become quite clear to me that many symptoms of trauma (many times presenting as body memories or somatic events are the result of our parent's expectations of us when we are developing.

If they did not want to hear us we need to be mute. If they don't want to see us we need to be invisible. If they need us to care for other children we need to become compulsive caregivers. If they don't feed us we need to re-enact by having eating disorders. If they want us dead we need to re-enact death (through catatonic behaviour which was the case for me). If they force us to fight then we have a need to fight others. With the immaturity of our 'systems' as these stresses are placed upon us, we adapt to these stressors in a very immature way and continue using these strategies into adulthood.

Under normal circumstances these forms of stress are mitigated by our parents. However, when our parents cannot or will not help us through this we ourselves through our nervous system become programmed to deal with 'stress' in the only way that we know how during this stage of development.

Of course this is all debatable but from my own experiences as of late I am absolutely understanding that underneath my symptoms there is an absolute reason that I am maladaptive in my behaviours and am learning to understand the emotions and the expectations that led to those emotions and how they affect me today. I would love to hear others thoughts on this.

I wonder if there are things that anyone can attach to that our parents 'expected us to be' that continue to be displayed as chronic symptoms for other PTSD sufferers?

 

[Eleanor]

I don't have PTSD - and I think you've put your finger on a general developmental thing. My parents had very few emotional coping/self-regulation skills, and so were vastly happier if I just never had any emotional problems. So I just... made it so. I got expert at "disappearing" negative affect. Which works great, until it doesn't.

Oh, and it has a tendency to screw up your relationships.

 

[ms spock]

It also screws up your ability to be present in your body and to actually respond to what is happening now rather then always reacting to what has happened.

 

[scout86]

@Eleanor you just described my mom and your words finally made sense of a person who's never made any sense to me! Thanks!!!!!!!! (And, now I see why it was important to learn that "disappearing negative affect" thing! :))

 

[risingsun]

I saw your post and this quote seemed very fitting: Be Careful What You Say to your Children as One Day it will Become their Inner Voice. Not sure on the author, but I read it somewhere recently.


But, what a profound quote it is.

Warmest, Rising Sun

 

[Justmehere]

They needed something to blame, so I became the problem. :(

 

[Chava]

Makes a lot of sense. I relate to most of that. Mute in some cases, invisible sometimes, totally ashamed of needing anything, felt most powerful being successfully anorexic. I was further ashamed that my needs just became more pronounced though. I was born with problems and hospitalized later on in childhood, and then a load as an adolescent, and felt really flawed for all of that. I've also felt I should go away, and I have (was a run away, but also moved far away). Feelings, boundaries, or having a self of my own wasn't always okay either. Music seemed to be a place where this was okay, where I could be alive, so I've really struggled since having to cut out my major performing gig because of chronic injury.

I read about your twin somewhere @shimmerz ....so painful, though I understand you can't probably access a normal story-like memory of that since those parts of your mind weren't developed, but it would make sense it's all there. I have the stuff I remember. But before that I wonder about the stress my mom was under, how I was the first baby she didn't give up for adoption but maybe kept out of a need to fill a normal social role, and how I probably reminded her of her own trauma or triggered her somehow. She had rages and thought I was disgusting. Sometimes she hated me, sometimes I just wasn't "there". Sometimes it's still like a power switch inside me goes off when I'm around her. I become like an empty shell.

I want to have better relationships, but I don't make much effort. I compulsively find more meaning and safety in projects and distractions and don't find this really in human relationships. I've had a few good friends come and go, but the closest I consistently get to feeling connected to humanity is relating to the art of dead composers, artists, and writers. I like my work the way I liked school, and get along with people well on a colleague level. The rest of my life has mostly been isolation and I don't know how to change it because it's like I'm just missing parts that would let me make consistent efforts in relationships. I'm stuck in this place of not knowing how much I accept or what I am supposed to try to change.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm stuck in this place of not knowing how much I accept or what I am supposed to try to change.

Damn this is so true. What great words but so very sad. I myself have found and come to terms (I think) that my communication style is different from others. It was so much effort to be 'normal' and now I don't bother trying although I did it for decades. It took too much out of me. So for now, I am just trying to have a good relationship with me.

 

[shimmerz]

They needed something to blame, so I became the problem.

Funny, I am still the problem. I am working on stopping being the scapegoat. Quantum shift as I realize now I have been scapegoated all of my life.

 

[Fadeaway]

This is so enlightening and gives me so much to think about.

 

[Chava]

Scapegoat here. Sucked.

 

[Fadeaway]

Scapegoat here. Sucked.

Still sucks, it does long term damage because you tend to take the blame even after you have stopped being blamed by others.