We Don't Get Better Do We?

[just me here]

@just me here -- This post was a over year ago, has your life progressed to a better, same, or worse place then you were last year? I'm sorry if this opens a bad spot in your life; although, these posts don't seem crisis filled -- mainly sadness and longing. Have you found a way to conduct your days with more optimism?

In some ways, maybe. In other ways I am in about the same place I have been in forever. I changed my therapist to a person that is all about working with PTSD rather than my previous t's that either missed it or didn't know how to treat it but were willing to try, on my dime, without any outside help. I went to the source and my sessions are completely different.

My life is still a precarious crossing of a dangerous current, hoping that the next rock I jump to is stable or I am going to fall in and be swept away. And I have hit a few loose rocks recently, been wet and cold and not very happy about getting back underway on a journey I am still not convinced has an end.

My life would be considered crisis filled by most people I am afraid, but for me it is just more weather in a lifetime of bad weather. I have had to cut all ties with my parents who unfortunatly have moved to my county and expected us all to be closer and spend more time together. Since I started this thread they showed me their worst side and I had no choice but to tell them it was all over and i haven't seen or heard from them for 8 months now and I still notice things that are better without them in my life.

So, no I am still the same person in the same space, but I am getting better therapy more often and I have had too come to grips with many of the effects of my PTSD I didn't have a clear view of a year ago. I know more about PTSD, I have some successes, I have some failures. And I still think alot of this is rearranging deck chairs when we should be looking for icebergs, and I am still positive that life is just a series of icebergs, some I hit, some others hit, but we all get our turn and I am no better at acccepting my fate and distracting myself by aligning the deckchairs.

Looking back, I have 1 new thing I want to share. I had a psychologist tell me this, pretty much verbatim:

"you are not psychotic, we would know it if you were. When you feel an emotion, it is real and you should accept it for what it is and use your self control to steer clear of the innapropriate responses to the emotion and the things we teach you to help you determine the apropriate response. There are only 4 real emotions, they are SAD, GLAD, MAD, and SCARED. everything else is a combination of 2 or more of the real 4. Determine what the emotion you feel is and what the appropriate response is and stay on that course and improvement is inevitable".

I think I am mostly mad, and I am using the energy of the emotion to help drive the efforts to get rid of the things that are making me mad, like cutting ties with my parents for example. That causes sadness at the loss, but that drives my desire to fill the void with better relationships within my own family.

Better? like I said, some yes, some no. Still alive, thats alot.

 

[712xx]

Still alive, thats alot.

It sure is. :tup: As 'Hancock' (the movie) would say -- good job, good job.

 

[anthony]

That movie cracks me up...

 

[The Albatross]

So does "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" :whistling:

 

[Red Feather]

I literally just had this same conversation with my mother. I can chat with my mother but it is hard to talk to her. Geez. She wants me to be cured. She can't accept that PTSD will never go away. She says this is temporary. I'm like... sure Mom. :O_o: This whole thing is so new to me, I haven't really completely accepted that I have PTSD, let alone that I will have it all my life. But I barely even had a concept of "me" and of "who I really am" in the first place.... so starting brand new, even it means starting new with PTSD, means at least starting somewhere.

At least I exist... :rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think, along with Hashi's comments above, I'll choose 'Yes'. Instead of "Yes, but".
I do agree with what Hashi has said. And I'm open to 'surprises'. ( :eek: :) )

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it gets better, I think we get stronger and we heal after we face and deal with the aftermath. I think we always have it, there was a time that I thought I would get over it.

But I think it does get easier. The triggers are still there but alot of steam has been taken out of them. I am doing better than I was in 1985 when I first got diagnosed. I still have problems and have to find a way to face and deal with them. But I'm not as bad as I was. Great topic.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm trying to get better at staying in the present.

I suppose what I have dealt with (or what has been overcome/ is reconciled, for lack of any term), that I am different because of that. Not necessarily 'better', but a somewhat different person- different understanding, different values, different perspective.

 

[Jen93]

I always think of PTSD sort of like cancer. It can "go into remission" meaning that symptoms won't show up for a while, however there is always a chance of it coming back, and then it's harder to get rid of than the first time.

This thread is sad. We can have hope that we "will stay in remission" (manage our flashbacks/triggers/thoughts) for a while though. I hope that is what happens to many of us. I hope that we find some peace and relief from our symptoms, flashbacks and nightmares. Even if only for a day or two. I also hope that we can be content and except our lives, not for the people we were before the trauma, but for who we are now.

You are all amazing people. It takes a lot to survive what happened to any of you. We may not get better, but on a good day we may have a sense of relief. ( Which is well deserved in my opinion!)

Keep your chin up all of you. We are survivors and never forget that. :)

Jen

 

[Tinyflame]

Jen, you are very sweet.

I don't, or can't, think of myself as a survivor (although I've heard it described as the people left standing after the smoke clears, so in that way 'yes').
But, after 30 years with this, I realize I have only one shot in the go around. That is, life isn't a dress rehearsal, there's just 'now', that's all.
It's made me a different person, but that's ok.

Although I have made choices that have had a profound effect on my life, I still am 'here' and hope my future or present choices help and don't harm.

You bring up a good analogy with the cancer- have had several relatives with it, some have had it for years (not in remission, even), and they're living life to the fullest. One relative of mine (who's been through 16 years and the wringer), said she wouldn't trade the cancer if she had a choice, for all the wonderful love, people and perspective it's brought into her life. I know what she means. Even when I don't 'get it', that much I understand

Things can get better, and they will.
You are a precious person, and look at all the people you already help, or encourage by posting here, or understand, or are kinder to because of who you are. :)
((((Hugs))))

 

[Philippa]

It's great to look back on this thread, as I haven't in a while.

I have noticed definite improvements in the last few years, compared to the way I was when I was first diagnosed...definitely, I am better than I was. I cope with stress much better as well, though I will still go all hulk if pushed, but I'm better at controlling my temper than I used to be.

My parents never really even got that I had PTSD, even though they were in the psychs office the day she told them that I had CPTSD. (which I didn't believe, and still don't...it's much more akin to just plain old PTSD...but I'm not the psychiatrist of course.)

SO it took me about 4 or five years to even begin to admit that I might have it...let alone accept that I did. I still doubt at times, even after all this time and having related to so many of you and the symptoms described here...I still doubt it.

I know where I came from though, and i know that I have made real progress, with a capital P. I used to be so unable to absorb anything people said to me, and my memory was absolutely shocking.

I would have impulses to throw myself against the shower wall and bang my head against the wall of my bedroom, and would have to sit still and literally wait for the impulse to pass. I don't get that anymore, and I haven't in many years.

I do training exercises to improve memory and focus, and am at school now training to be an art therapist. I work two jobs, which I can't believe I can manage, but they are both super cruisy with hardly any stress involved...in fact none at all apart from the occasional threat of being spoken to rudely by a stranger on the phone at the call centre.

I have made a real effort to live a life as free from stressful environments and atmospheres, that it has helped a lot, and I have made a real effort to take care of myself in practical ways...take martial arts classes, eat whole foods and buy nice things for myself...go to dance classes and art classes, and expand myself, and it has all helped. EFT, accupuncture, crystals, meditation, medication, changing friends, cutting ties with family who are unhealthy for me despite struggling with the sadness of it.

I'm much better than I used to be...much lighter, and sometimes I even wonder if I ever had it...but I remember all the struggling as well, and all the times when I could not pick myself up, literally, spending hours collapsed on the floor a total wreck and mess.

I think we do improve, and we do get better. It just takes time and effort.

My father always made out like I was "just existing" and that somehow this was inferior to "really living"...but I never felt that existing was any worse or better than living. I feel like I have really lived a lot more than many people have, and I've survived many things that many people might not have.

I need to get more in the habit of telling myself that I am still here, because I have grossly underestimated just what an achievement that really is.

 

[heidi]

I feel like I'm better then I was a year ago. I'm terrible now, but the intensity is not as strong as it was before. It was worse the years when I didn't understand what was happening. So knowledge must have helped me somewhat. I wish clinicians would be more up front about the fact that we have to learn to live with this. I have developed a bit of a bad attitude about methods for counseling this out of a person.