We Vs I

[StellaBlue]

I was reading a couple of posts where it has come up about using "I" versus "we" and the one that was locked actually caused me to remember something that I hadn't remembered in years and years....and since the thread is locked, I am posting it here.

Many many years ago (probably over 25 years), way before I was actually diagnosed (but was definitely living the PTSD dream), I very much used the word "we" when I meant "I". In reading the locked thread, this memory was like a huge smack across the side of my head and I'm now trying to figure that out.

I wasn't (nor am I now) suffering from DID...and I wasn't really looking to show I had support behind me (as in, "we" believe this...my (friends? relatives? peeps?).

It was more as if, there was no "I". I actually had folks point out that I was using the word "we" (whose "we"?).

And I have certainly been exposed to enough private, couples and group therapy to understand the whole "use your I words" thing - this is different. (As a humorous example - in couples mediation, my ex called me a bitch and was told to use I statements - so it was changed to "I think she's a bitch")

Again - I think maybe during that time, I had no concept of an "I"

Not sure if this makes sense...just something I'm pondering right now.

I've been really trying lately to change my view on things that, in the past, were confusing, painful or even debilitating and approach them with a sense of curiosity....so that's how I'm looking at this one. Comments would definitely be welcome.

 

[The Albatross]

Basically it was safer for me for a very long time to use generalization than it was for me to use "I". If I said, "I" then I owned it and all that came with it and I wasn't ready for that then. It was a process, it took a good while. "I" can do that now, but frankly "I" think it's an unreasonable expectation to pound somebody cuz they aren't there yet or can't.

I meant me. I wasn't/couldn't be ready... for a while.

Doubled back to add... generalization wasn't correct or accurate... I just wasn't read to face up to some stuff yet.

 

[Friday]

"I" can do that now, but frankly "I" think it's an unreasonable expectation to pound somebody cuz they aren't there yet or can't.

It wasn't an expectation. It was an explanation, of why telling other people what they think/feel/do/&why doesn't work, with a helluva lot of allowances given, rather than, "f*ck you mate, you don't speak for me."

Almost everyone goofs grammar from time to time. Not writing for publication, here. I usually couldn't care less about grammar. I/we/they slip in, crop up, focus gets shifted mid convo, whatever. That's different from the prevailing attitude of post after post after post of speaking for me & everyone else, and it was either sit him down & explain as kindly as I could, or smack him in the nose.

I might should have just smacked him in the nose. Being nice always sorta seems to land me in hot water one way or another.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I may not be reading your thread correctly but there is a HUGE difference in reference your DID personalitues or even "parts" (like an inner child) as we which is still speaking for yourself then stating saying we in the context of the threads, saying "we" as a group of trauma victims and/or a group of PTSD sufferers as now you are speaking for that entire group.

 

[joeylittle]

I wasn't (nor am I now) suffering from DID...and I wasn't really looking to show I had support behind me (as in, "we" believe this...my (friends? relatives? peeps?).

It was more as if, there was no "I". I actually had folks point out that I was using the word "we" (whose "we"?).

Can you give a more detailed example? This is really interesting, and I respect you for unpacking it.

 

[StellaBlue]

I may not be reading your thread correctly but there is a HUGE difference in reference your DID personalitues or even "parts" (like an inner child) as we which is still speaking for yourself then stating saying we in the context of the threads, saying "we" as a group of trauma victims and/or a group of PTSD sufferers as now you are speaking for that entire group.

Understood - and the only reason I brought up that thread was, in reading it, it brought back these memories of how I used to both see myself and refer to myself. I have no desire to join in the other conversation...it was simply a catalyst to this conversation. I apologize if it came across as anything other than that.

Can you give a more detailed example? This is really interesting, and I respect you for unpacking it.

For quite a long time, I was very uncomfortable using the terms I or me. It was a lot easier when I was married, because I could use "we" all the time and folks would just assume I was referring to myself and my husband. But I knew that wasn't really it. It's been a really long time and I'm having a hard time remembering how or why I did it - I just remember the feeling of having to do it - to the point where, if I had to use first person singular pronouns, I would become very uncomfortable or go mute.

I remember later (after I got over this strange thing) reading that the Japanese don't typically use first person singular pronouns. I didn't associate it this with my previous behavior, but remember thinking "how cool is that?".

Anyway - just another strange puzzle piece.

 

[shimmerz]

It was more as if, there was no "I". I actually had folks point out that I was using the word "we" (whose "we"?).

Maybe it is late, but I don't actually get the flow of this thread. To me, the OP is asking 'am I using WE instead of I' because I don't get who I is at the time that I am speaking. I may be right off base.

My short answer is yes, quite possibly. I don't use the term we but instead 'she' for myself. I catch myself less and less but for a period of time I was referring to a 'she' which meant 'me' quite often.

Now, when I feel that need I post in my diary as Anonymous so that I can look back and see that I was in a dissociated 'part' of myself when I posted.

I may be totally off the mark here, and if so, I apologize.

 

[Sideways]

I have DID on board, and I know that one of my parts likes to use "we" instead of "I", and I think it's a way of distancing herself from what's going on, my thoughts/feelings/behaviour.

I think possibly it could be the same even without DID. Instead of saying "I'm going to apply for that awesome job", saying "we're going to apply for that awesome job" makes it less personal and, in a way, less frightening/confronting.

But I think that in some contexts, like the threads that inspired this one, it can come across with somewhat of the opposite impact, given the context. When you say to a room full of listeners "We feel angry because..." it's like the person is telling you how you should feel/think. The impression for the listener can become "You're telling me how I tick...?"

Then there's the third option, that I'm guilty of sometimes. I address someone who's posted with "We feel threatened easily when...". In that context, it's an alternative to "You", like "You feel threatened easily when..." I use that when I'm reflecting back to someone what they seem to be saying. But "we" is my way of saying "you and I feel threatened easily when..:", as I way of saying I get it, and I'm like that too.

Universally speaking about yourself in the second or third person generally though? Maybe that's a safety thing, like not having to own what you're saying completely..?

 

[Ellabella44]

@Ragdoll Circus sorry your " DID on board" reminded me of our baby on board car caution signs :rolfl:

In therapy if I feel we, then I use it. safe place.

Outside of therapy if I catch it or the person i am talking to does, I try to shrug and say eh one of those brain fart days and go on.

its confusing, the consept of an I, when the feeling is more of being a fragmented we.
in public, "I" has to be whoever is speaking. what part is speaking.

It hurts my head thinking about this. But it has to be thought of and discussed to learn more and explore ways to try to at least seem more "normal".

 

[joeylittle]

I was very uncomfortable using the terms I or me. It was a lot easier when I was married, because I could use "we" all the time and folks would just assume I was referring to myself and my husband.

That makes sense to me.

It makes me think that you, perhaps, might feel overly exposed or somehow like you are at risk when you think of yourself as an 'I'. But that's just a guess.

 

[Sandstone]

I've found myself thinking "we" instead of "I", but don't think I've ever used it aloud. I'm not sure if it is reflecting plurality, or if is repeating words I've heard in the past. It seems to link to a parental comment "we can't have that" from when I was distressed.

That seems to be very different from your experience though. I think you are saying that your experience of self was fuzzy and indistinct?

 

[Kailani]

I refer t myself as we a lot and it drives me nuts! Always trying to cover for it! I think because the dissociation is or depersonalization is so real to me I feel like I a we. actually have a I call him " character" in my brain like a friend on the telephone. Wasn't a friend initially, enemy first. Got it from the verse that says suffering produces character. Character can go away for years when I'm not too stressed but when stressed; here comes character. It's really dissociation and some refer to it as depersonalization. Not sure but grounding helps. EMDR helps but still have a hard time kicking the we out of conversation.