Weakness Destroys Me.

[Rani G2]

I have been struggeling with selfworth issues for so many years. Imagining myself being weak makes me want to puke. I always felt the need to be strong, less emotional and more on the survival mode, fighting. I have a strange mindset when it comes to power. I dont want to be the one who backs off, I must feel that I have myself under control.

Crying infront of others is weakness, not being able to say the right thing is weakness, being emotionally needy is weakness.

I cant face the world these days. I feel weak.

Shankara

 

[The Albatross]

I think it is wise that you recognize that your heretofore way of being isn't working for you. Maladaptive coping is coping in the shorter term, then we have to find newer ways/more beneficial and realistic ways to cope.

 

[The Albatross]

Any chance you can rephrase "Weakness destroys me" to... weakness is destabilizing for me? There is a difference.

There can and does come a point when being emotionally needy is pretty much universal... we all have out breaking points. Maybe you're being called to bring that under scrutiny?

 

[Rani G2]

weakness is destabilizing for me?

Yes Albatross. It has a difference. Imagining myself as the one who is being oppressed is just unbearable, it is ofcourse trauma related. But, I still find it hard to see things differently.

If I meet people who are similar, those who like to be tough and aggressive I get triggered massively. Its as if I have to prove "them" i am on their level. I am no coward.

I feel extremely depressed. Thanks for reading.

 

[Rani G2]

Whats strong? Who is strong?

 

[The Albatross]

I was raised that crying is a sign of weakness, eye contact a challenge/threat, that in a rough/tough world I have to talk and walk bigger and more bad assed than those others... so I get it. But... big but, I would call into question the method that has gotten you so far... in my case it was not reasonable or reliable and it came with pitfalls.

 

[The Albatross]

Who is strong? Okay um how'd you go there from "weakness destroys me" please?

 

[Rani G2]

Albatross,

yes, there are pitfalls. When this facade of being strong falls, whats left? Its just a mask, its the ability to accept my emotions, whatever they may be which matters. Weak, strong thats labelling them.I get that. But, a part of me, takes over, it wants power. I dont know how to react to that side. Lets say, hard to see that.

 

[Rani G2]

Maladaptive coping is coping in the shorter term, then we have to find newer ways/more beneficial and realistic ways to cope

Well described!