Well, At Least I Identified The Problem

[sun seeker]

Sometimes two therapists in one day are too much. My own and the family therapist who is trying to get me to a point where I can stand the idea of sitting in the same room with my mother without triggering too badly. But that's the way it works so I deal with it. But today first one of them wanted examples of major losses in my life and what they feel like, and I was trying to describe the feeling of loss (usually of connections to others, but not always), which is so hard to put into words. An all-consuming fear, only I can't say what exactly the fear is of. When it's that bad I am afraid to leave the house, afraid to leave the room I'm in, afraid to move, afraid to uncurl from a fetal position, almost afraid to breathe. I'm not like that now but just trying to describe it took me pretty close for a while.

Then straight on to the other one, where I decided I wanted to work on what is getting in the way of getting clear on what I want to do for work. I've narrowed it down to two categories: fear and confusion. I wanted to work on fear. Through some exploring and feeling what my body was telling me (as usual, wanting to scream a high-pitched scream that feels like it would go on forever, and an infant's startle reflex) I realized it's the same thing. Abject terror, only I couldn't say of what. Panic, tunnel vision, dizziness, nausea. It's like drowning, trying to catch my breath and wave after wave keep washing over me. Then she gently asked me what I needed and that was the last straw. I couldn't handle that question at all. Wanted to curl into a ball and protect myself from the world. It's the same thing I was trying to describe to the other therapist. It's feeling that I don't have the right to exist. There's no in-between state here, any time anything reminds me of that feeling I go from 0 to 60 in half a second, from relatively calm to feeling like I'm fighting for my life. It can be something as simple as making a phone call that goes badly or receiving a bill that's more than I was expecting. Whether it's relational or financial or whatever, the core problem is this feeling that I don't have the right to exist.

I sort of came out of that well enough to get myself home, but my anxiety level is higher than it's been in some time and I'm very shaky and disoriented. And it turns out the second therapist is going to be away for the next two weeks.

I'm not asking for anything in particular. Just understanding I think. I'm having trouble thinking clearly. Hope this made sense.

 

[sun seeker]

p.s. Actually I did think of one thing I'm asking for. How do I release this feeling so it doesn't make me sick? I've been rocking back and forth a lot, which is what my body seems to want. And put on some calming music. But it hurts, it's like my whole being is distressed and I couldn't even say if it's physical pain. Pain bordering between emotional and physical? I don't know. Very weird.

 

[theotherside]

I had a breakdown panic attack flashback thing yesterday and i felt like i was going mad. Like compmetely could not handle the hurricane of emotion inside me. I managed to caln myself but for the rest of the day i felt i couldnt get good breath. Then today my body hurts soo bad from it being so tight with anxiety. I mean it feels like i worked out.
I have been rocking myself back and fourth too.
I dont really have advice because im in the same boat in a way. But i do understand :)

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry you're in a rough place too @theotherside. Rocking creates alpha waves apparently.

I came up with something to release the physical tension. I took a bath and while soaking, thought "okay, at least some of this begins before I was even born, so how about using the water as a place to release it?" So I did a lot of moaning and raging while pushing as hard as I could on the sides of the tub. It helped some, at least my shoulders are looser.

 

[theotherside]

No wonder i always want a bath :)

 

[Friday]

I sometimes let myself curl up into a shaking ball of muscle spasms, rage, and despair. I used to always do so. Didn't know how to do anything but ride it out, and they only ever lasted a few hours. Come to find, though, it's possible to override it by standing up.

Sounds simple. Is & isn't. Stand up. Standup straight. (If you can't, jumping jacks can usually force the motion, as it's impossible to do jumping jacks curled up. Really. You just fall on your face, and your body wants that less than being vertical). Take a deep breath, and walk. Your abs will still be spasming, and muscles shaking, and everything will feel very surreal... but you can use your gross motor core to override the other thing. It will try and kick back in every time you sit (or lay down, or anything which allows the curling motion... So after driving, I generally cheat and climb out like an old woman, and then use the door frame to help me stand, again).

Had a bad anxiety attack last 5 months instead of a few hours, and so actually needed to do things like pee, go grocery shopping, etc.

These days, while about half the time I decide to just to ahead and wallow or thrash, the other half? 9 times out of 10 "simply" by standing up and going on with my life I can ratchet the anxiety attack down to simply gut roiling head swimming anxiety. The 10th time is just like those 5 months. Yes, I'm having a panic attack, and no. I don't care. Which is pretty damn awesome. Still not as awesome as not having an attack to begin with, but awesome to have options.

 

[shimmerz]

Idk, it sounds like you are doing great self care and awareness stuff @sun seeker. And yes, 2 appts in a row is maybe too much ;). I used to do 5 in a week and almost lost my sanity. I believe it was my need to 'fix it' but found it counter productive because it was just too much work and not enough processing time. My body reactions were freaking me out, leaving me in constant fear of what my body was going to do next.

As far as body reactions, I have learned to really focus on my breathing and try to stretch out. I actually had friends who would force me out of fetal and encourage me to breathe at the same time. It wasn't easy but now I find when I have body reactions I stretch. I am not so fetal prone. Breathe out the bad, breathe in the good they say. So in the bath breathe in how that feels and while in fetal try to stretch out (even a millimeter) and breathe out the bad.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@sun seeker – i'm sorry you're in this awful place. I wanted to say I can empathize with you. I don't have any real great advice for dealing with the intense anxiety, but I did want to ask you one question. Were you able to identify/tell your therapist what you needed at that moment? This is something I am really struggling with. I hear that it was the last straw for you, and I have certainly been there. One thing I have been able to identify through EMDR is that when I tell people what I need, and work up the courage to ask for it, the anxiety lessons a little, and I can relax somewhat. I wish you the best on your healing journey.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Why do you want to be in the same room as your mother?

Your brain is screaming "DANGER" and for a good reason! I sometimes wonder why people want to override the REAL alerts that our bodies send out.

Freaking out because your mom abused you as a child? NORMAL! Freaking out in public around everyone because a stranger hurt you? NOT normal!

My mom abused me (verbally/emotionally) as she was an alcoholic, narcissistic, etc. There is no "softening" this trigger. My brain says she is a legitimate source of danger, and the truth is, YES she is! In this sense my brain is functioning "normally" albeit in an exaggerated state. I will not work on lessening this trigger because it is rational in its ability to keep me safe. Anything less and I put myself in danger because I think I can handle her. Nope, I can't!

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks everyone. I got to sleep but then woke up from a nightmare when my cat kept incessantly scratching in her litter box. Thanks kitty. Only now I'm half asleep and would like to be all the way asleep.

Yes, straightening out, shaking, I'm doing all that. I guess this is the part of therapy where things get worse before they get better. I never related to that before because it mostly involved talking about my problems but didn't seem to go anywhere. So this is good... um... maybe?

Family therapy with my mother? Well, it was her idea, and I really want to salvage what I can. I do think her intentions are good. Also there are some practical things I need to sort out with her and need the support of a third person to talk to her about them. But I don't know how much she is capable of and I don't know how to get to where I can be in the same room and stay strong. When I think of doing it I feel like throwing up. At the same time, she's willing and doing her best. Confusing, makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

@HollyBeans27, no, the problem is I don't even know what I need well enough to say it. It's something about having someone care that much when I'm vulnerable. It terrifies me, I'm not sure why.

Edited to add: Why do I have this kind of luck though, that just when things start moving my therapist has to go away for two weeks??:wtf:

 

[ekane]

This situation is highly inappropriate! Why are you doing any thing with your mother at all right now when your PTSD triggers are as they are??? Who the heck made you do this? No decent professional would support would having a person with raging PTSD be forced to be around their abusers. They will always say that it is best to do therapy only focusing on yourself!!! Tons of therapy alone.... Then maybe reconsider if you want to deal with your mom in separate family therapy... A long time from now.

The whole essence of PTSD from child abuse comes from always being but second and never being put first. Being a child whose needs were never valued, never heard, never given their due moments. This is why you can't heal by giving your mom more selfish attention in therapy while you need to focus only on rebuilding yourself! This is completely unacceptable. This is highly toxic and damaging on all fronts!

This is NOT the time to do work with her. This is the time do work on YOU and your feelings. Your triggers. Your PTSD.

 

[sun seeker]

Whoah there. I'm reeling.

Okay, one thing at a time.

No one is forcing me. I said yes after a year of cutting off all communication with my mother except by letter, when it became apparent that it wasn't working. I do have a lot of trepidation, but I'm pushing myself for a bunch of reasons:
1. There are practical things I need to sort out with my mother that I hope to be able to sort out with a therapist present, that were impossible left to my own devices. I need to be able to talk to her. There are practical things I need from her that would hugely destress the rest of my life.
2. My mother is aging and I see possible signs of beginning dementia. If I don't hurry, I'll have lost my chance. There may not be any later.
3. My family has a pattern of disconnecting instead of solving problems, in one case to the point of cutting off all communication for going on 17 years. Thinking of doing the same is more depressing to me than thinking of communicating is triggering. I know I can't do it on my own, which is why I am enlisting help.
4. I've identified a few key conditions under which I would agree to talk to my mother and communicated them clearly to the therapist, who has been passing them on. I won't agree to meet with her until I am certain she understands and accepts.
5. While my mother is highly triggering for me, she isn't the only cause of my PTSD, and I do see her making an effort to understand and change. She wasn't an abusive monster. She neglected me, didn't really act like a parent, let me watch her rages without apology, and made me responsible at a young age for her emotional wellbeing, yes. But she didn't beat me or anything like that. She's immature, has terrible boundaries and doesn't know how to show compassion, but she isn't a terrible person. My PTSD came from many sources, of which she is only one. The feeling of not deserving to exist that I've identified stems from something she had no control over.

Does that look any different? In a nutshell, if I had the option of taking a year or however long just to work on myself and then consider meeting with her, I'd take it, but I don't have that.