General Well Hubby Has Really Stepped Up To The Mark Tonight.

[amethist]

I think it will be a while before he goes again.

Something like this happens, he cuts contact for a while, opens it up again, then the cycle starts again. luckily the gaps between it all happening are getting further apart.

I thought this time it would not happen. I was wrong, now I have to pick up the pieces.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry Amethist. :(

 

[Sailorgal]

Dear Amethist!!!! I hope you both were able to get a good night's sleep tonight despite the drama today. If they really wanted him to have access to the house, why don't they just give him a set of the keys? At any rate, I'm glad he arrived home safely and that you can finally work through this unnecessary stuff. Parents are parents - they should know better!!!! Hugs!

 

[anni]

Yes, but there's nothing 'wrong' with hoping, plus, at that moment it all was quite, quite 'real' for both of you. I don't know, of course might have the wrong end of the stick here but the whole series of events still seems to have shown both of you ( sans parents.... ) that he is making progress in his healing, you know? I'd have to think there are adult children withOUT PTSD who would hit the pub and come home with a snootfull after tangling with that inconceivable mess. I'm not saying his PTSD hasn't kicked back in with some disasterous results, just maybe you're not all rocketed 'back' to zero like it must feel at the moment.

I hope I'm not saying wrong-thing after wrong- thing, my nice friend, but also seems like another 'Universe' message, you know? The one where we keep getting handed the same scenario until we Get It? Poor guy, those parents. He is, with the visits getting fewer and further between, awful it's taken so much out of both of you. Exhausting.

Haven't been full of mud, on sending a Care Package from Yankeeland, for breakfast satisfaction for a few days. That might help start a couple days on a satisfied tummy note, will be getting on my delayed Christmas mailings this week. Hee- have a calender for my cousin in California, think I'd better get it off to her before the pages are completely obsolete.

 

[Venusian]

Amethist, I have been following this thread but I don't know much about your husbands situation so please ignore me if I get things really really wrong.

Isn't it great to know that your husband can really step up and do what he has to do in an emergency? He didn't fall apart until after everyone was home and safe. His parents may have done something very irresponsible by leaving their home open but they knew he was coming soon and to tell the truth, my parents would probably do the same. In the area I lived in many of the older generation had locks but never used them.

The stress of the past few days sounds like it was pretty big considering he didn't know what was wrong with his mother but he was there for them. The relief of knowing they were safe and home but did something that had the potential for something bad to happen is when he fell apart. Maybe that aspect of this situation and his PTSD is what he can start looking at? When he is ready to talk about it.

 

[amethist]

Thanks all.

There is a lot more to this family and their issues, and they always seem to drag my husband in at the worst point.

What was really annoying was that they knew he was going over, they could have phoned before they left to let him know. Plus they have been told in the past that he was going over and have just gone out, not doing what they did yesterday.

There are other family members who can help them out, who live closer.

I have never known a family so engrossed in their own issues and take no notice what so ever of anyone else's. They have been told time and time again, that they cannot just ring up and expect him to jump to attention when they want him to, those days are gone.

He is going back to where he was with them a few months ago, where as soon as they start, he leaves. Leaving them to call on the rest of the family, and there is enough of them.

It was the fact that they had all left his dad to cope on his own while they all fussed round the drama queen, that had him going over there in the first place. Had someone else been there, he would not have gone.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, Amethist, I hope you are doing something nice for yourself during all this. Coping with in-laws can be so exhausting! I noticed you said these incidents are getting further apart. That is awesome! My therapist says that that's one way we change behaviors until they just stop happening. I used to feel suicidal every day, then I started having more good days, and soon I won't feel suicidal at all! Good luck to you and your hubby!

 

[amethist]

I expected some kind of crash, just not the full blown :poop: type.

 

[Sailorgal]

I kind of agree with Anni that there's a natural level of anger there not including. That's what makes managing PTSD so difficult because the triggers are still there!

It's hard in these family situations. His family isn't the only drama filled one. Aside from boundaries, maybe some creative ways in dealing with them? For example, if they have a pattern if just taking off and not notifying him, he should stop being "on schedule" and perhaps call them when he's supposed to be there and see if they're home. That's too much energy to spend on drama. I feel for you Amethist!!!! A hug and some lavender potpurri for u!!!!

 

[anni]

Ah. They're THOSE types. Well hubby should take a flashlight ( torch, across the Pond ) with him next time, for a present. I thought of this in connection with the THOSE types in my family, and myself when I'm too self-absorbed. He can hand it to them with the information it's a little dark with their heads stuck up their own backsides, might be helpful.

Love the 'doing something nice for yourself' thing. But you know this, my sweet, frazzled, endlessly giving friend. Sometimes we really do just have to disengage, regroup, call our energy back and the memory of who WE are. These poisonous people would love to think their tenacles are so far-reaching, they've been able to affect you. Might be self-absorbed but also tend to be just plain mean. If you won't buy into their world, then by God, you're going to suffer. I could be wrong of course, do not know them but boy, they sound an awful lot like folks I could name.

Hugs, for real, and will be sending you much Peace and Light today. 3,000 miles and a wind-tossed ocean is nothing for The Light, could be the next room.

 

[intothelight]

I hope as I write this it doesn't come across as sounding cold, but it was more of a lesson that I learned as a PTSD sufferer.

I can change no one but myself. To expect the dynamics of dysfunctional relationships to change, just because I am, was nothing more than magical thinking. My first responsibility is to myself and to keeping myself healthy, and to continue to relate others means that I set appropriate boundaries and enforce them. I am responsible for my own decisions, reactions, and must engage in healthy exchanges and walk away when it is otherwise.

To take it a step further, my family should no longer bare the brunt of my bad decisions. I have the tools, the skills. and the insight to keep my PTSD symptoms under control. If I make a bad choice, it is my responsibility to be accountable for my own actions and learn from the experience. Not that there are things that will knock me sideways, or any other person in all honesty. But to put myself deliberately in a situation where I know the possible outcomes and to allow that to affect me and subsequently those around me, is not fair to me or to them.

The sad truth is as parents age, there are going to be times as adult children we have to deal with situations that will require our input, time, or choice to not be involved. But that doesn't mean that we have to play into the unhealthy dynamics of the prior relationship. We need to define our relationships from the point that we are in the present. If we were the rescuer or the peacemaker as a child, well that is no longer our role. Define who we are and stick with that. Hard, but it has to be done, because at some point we do become responsible for allowing things to continue or making the changes. It is our choice.

JMHO

 

[rightkindofme]

I do think men are different, some other thing kicks in when it comes to riding to the rescue. Tend to be good at, hee- nice to have them there, too.

Hey! I'm a White Knight and I'm a girl! I can always pull it together when someone else needs something--not so much for me.

Amethist--I hope your husband feels better soon. No contact with my family has been very good for me.